Handy Dandy Skirt Length Tznius Ruler

Oy.

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Filling the Soul's Need for Excitement and Avoiding "Empty Yiddishkeit"

I wrote yesterday about how being brought up with negative associations with Yiddishkeit can lead to children/teenagers/young adults going off the derech, leaving the path of halachic observance.

But the truth is, one must ask himself what kind of Yiddishkeit was there in his home to begin with? Was there really that much for the child to leave? Or was it all a mile wide and an inch deep?

Faranak Margolese, in her book Off the Derech, addressed the problems of "empty Yiddishkeit" in chapter 11. She talked about some people never grow up with all kinds of bad or horrible experiences in their families or with Yiddishkeit. They left observance, but it did not follow divorce, abuse, yelling parents, condemning principles, Morahs or Rebbeim. They had a relatively happy, normal time growing up. So what was the problem? Why did they leave observance behind?

It is "empty Yiddishkeit," or as Mrs. Margolese calls it, "neutral" Judaism. It is clear that leaving observance often is the result of having a Yiddishkeit that is void of spirituality, passion, or love of G-d. My rebbe always quotes Tzav V'Ziruz #9 (from the Piaczena Rebbe, Rav Klonymous Kalmish Shapira) in this regard for an absolutely fundamental point that one must understand in order to successfully raise one's self and one's children (adaptive translation):

The soul craves excitement and sensation. This does not only apply to joyful feelings alone. Rather, it merely loves "feeling." It even desires sadness and crying. People love to watch horrifyig scenes, and to hear scary stories, even to the point of causing one's self to cry, just in order to feel something. This is an absolute requirement of the soul, like any of a person's other natural needs.

Therefore, only one who fulfills this requirement with Avodas Hashem and with exciting Torah and tefillah will guard his soul. But if someone does the work of serving Hashem without feeling, then the soul will gratify its need for excitement with other, cheaper things, even through aveiros, just in order to fulfill its fundamental need for excitement. Or, if it is unable to achieve excitement through anything at all, it will become diseased, as it would if any of its other physical needs were not met.

I think of this teaching often and I think I need to re-read it even more frequently. It is fundamental to understand its principle not only for the way I bring up my children, but also for how I live my life as a Jew personally.

If I do not bring up my children in such a way that mitzvos, learning, chessed, davening, Seudos, Shabbos, brachos, etc. are exciting, then the question will not be whether they will simply continue living without that excitement or not. Rather, they WILL achieve excitement. The only question is: Through what?

If my kids see me getting excited and jumping up and down at a baseball game, but falling asleep whenever I pick up a sefer to learn, where will they learn they can fulfill their soul's need for excitement? If they see my wife's eyes light up when new furniture is delivered or when buying a new dress, but if they never see her saying Tehillim or speaking words of Emunah with great feeling, then where will they learn that exicement can be found?

If one looks at his (or her) own feelings and finds that avodas Hashem/Yiddishkeit is not one's main source of joy/pleasure/excitement in life, then *this is a major problem,* both for one's own situation and for how one's children will grow up. It should be a wake-up call to start taking whatever steps fit the predilictions of one's own soul to start reorienting one's hopes and dreams about what will give him fulfillment and excitement in life.

Once a person at least gets on the right track by moving in the right direction in avoiding empty Yiddishkeit, and moving toward a fulfilling Yiddiksheit, then he will take a major step in avoiding that particular cause that could lead to one's children going off the derech.

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How Can We Prevent Our Kids From Dropping the Tablets Because "They're Too Heavy"?

Since Thursday, I have been chewing over the quote that Chana, from the Curious Jew blog, brought from Off the Derech, by Faranak Margolese.

This was a letter that a recently rebellious son left for his father after they had started to reconcile with one another:

Dear Father,

We are both blind. You don't always see how much I have done for you and I don't always see how much you taught me. But you think that I took the Tablets and I just threw them to the ground. That's not what happened. They were too heavy and they simply dropped from my hands.

First, I have to say that I definitely have to recommend Off the Derech to every parent, future parent, teacher, or future teacher. As I have written before, I think that no one can afford to take for granted that any given child will always stay "on the derech" and therefore one helpful strategy that should permeate parenting is keeping in mind some of the factors that are commonly associated with kids going off the derech, and then planning out one's life and parenting so as to avoid those mistakes.

That being said, I would like to darshen this young man's words a little bit. If observance ("The Tablets") really were too heavy to carry, then everyone would go off the derech. The problem is not that they are too heavy. The problem is when they are made to seem too heavy, or that to a specific child/young person, they seem too heavy.

As I said the comment section of my recent post on why people to away to hotels for Pesach, any amount of avodah seems burdensome when it is merely seen as drudgery. When parents and teachers create a Yiddishkeit that is full of negative associations, guilt, pressure and judging, then halachic observance will feel "too heavy" and may slip out of the hands of the next generation.

Our job as Jews is to live a Yiddishkeit and teach a Yiddishkeit to our kids that is positive, full of love, and is designed al pi darko, specifically for each person so that no one feels like they are a square peg being shoved in a round hole. That way, we can avoid bringing up our children in an environment of "negative Yiddishkeit."

Negative Yiddishkeit is one major problem when raising our children and ourselves. Empty Yiddishkeit is another major problem that I want to write a little bit about tomorrow. I would say that negative Yiddishkeit is a larger problem in the "frummer" parts of the frum community and that empty Yiddishkeit is the larger problem in the more modern or less frum parts of the frum community. Although I think that much of the time, both problems exist in both communities.

More tomorrow...

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Modern Re-Creation of This Ice-Skating Rink Baal Shem Tov Story

I just read this story about hateful symbols being carved in an ice-skating rink in upstate New York. It's an amazing re-creation of this story from the Baal Shem Tov, that my rebbe often tells over.

The Baal Shem Tov would periodically bring his students along with him in his wagon on various spiritual missions. They would all climb into the wagon and the "driver" Alexi would face backward, toward the Chassidim, and hashgocha protis would take the horses wherever they were supposed to go.

On one occasion, the horses took them near a frozen lake, that was a known recreation place for the non-Jewish children in the area. The Chassidim knew that whenever the children played there they always carved "tzlamim," crosses in the ice. Not wanting their rebbe, the Baal Shem Tov, to be subjected to such a sight, they asked Alexi to lead the horses further around the lake. But the Baal Shem Tov insisted that he wanted to go to see the lake. Reluctantly, the Chassidim relented.

As they got closer, the Baal Shem Tov saw the impure symbols that the children were carving in the ice and he expressed great exhilaration and happiness at the sight. As usual in such stories, the Chassidim couldn't understand the Besht's reaction. After they left, he explained:

There is a tremendous lesson in what we just saw. The Torah is compared to water. We learn from what happened at this lake that when one's Torah becomes
frozen and cold that it does not merely remain in a plain, frozen state.
Rather, it is immediately replaced by Tuma, impurity.

Just as nature abhors a vacuum, ruchnius, spirituality also abhors a vacuum. As soon as there is a vacuum of kedusha, holiness, the emptiness will be filled with Tuma, impurity. Reb Klonymous Kalman Shapiro, the holy Aish Kodesh, wrote in Chovas Hatalmidim that the soul of a Jew craves excitement. If we raise our children and ourselves to find that excitement in Torah, davening, niggunim, Chassidus, Hisbodedus, chesed, kiriv, or other aspects of avodas Hashem, then the soul's need for excitement will be fulfilled through holiness.

However, if we are bored by mitzvos, davening, learning, etc., then our neshoma is empty and without excitement. Such a situation cannot last. The soul will achieve its excitement somehow. If it is not through kedusha, Torah and mitzvos, then it will be through the pleasures, desires and distractions of olam hazeh, this world.

May Hashem grant us the wisdom to fill our need for excitement with Torah, tefillah, and kedusha, and not with the illicit distractions of this world.

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of Chabad of Southern Ohio)

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Rabbi Haber on Not Scapegoating Why Kids Go Off the Derech

Rabbi Yaakov Haber posted a very very very important article on why kids go off the derech and whether some of the things that are often blamed for this are really to blame or if they are just scapegoated. He talks about getting to the real issue. What he writes is very much in line with what I wrote in this post, which is greatly influenced by things I've heard frommy rebbe. It should be noted that the article is a transcript of an interview he did for Horizon Magazine. Here are some key quotes from his post and a link to the full article.

Horizons: I just recently came across another warning against the dangers of the internet to the spiritual wellbeing of our children. Maybe we can begin our discussion by asking how much is the internet to blame for “kids at risk”? Or is that merely scapegoating?

Rabbi Haber: The internet has proven to be capable of a great amount of damage to Jews of all ages. However, it is important to remember that the internet is a reality. There will come a time in the not-so-distant future when it will be impossible to pay a bill, bank, make a phone call or even turn on a light in your house without using the Internet. Instead of forbidding the Internet and non-kosher cell phones, it would seem to be more prudent to teach students how to interact with the Internet responsibly. If we were to forbid everything that we can use the wrong way we must include cars, mp3 players, and for that matter---women! We have to be very careful with internet technology---but forbidding it is not the answer in the long term.

When a teenager leaves us for a more exciting lifestyle, we have to ask ourselves why they are not finding that excitement in our homes and communities. In his remarkable sefer, Tzav V’Ziruz, the Piacezner Rebbe teaches an important lesson in education: Nature abhors a vacuum. The sustenance of the neshama is regesh (emotion). The neshama wants to be filled with a regesh of kedushah. If it doesn’t find kedusha, it will search for any form of regesh, even violent or disgusting regesh. We have to fill our children’s neshamos with healthy Torah regesh. Then the urge to look elsewhere will disappear.

...

H: Sounds like the system is designed to spread the malady.

RH: You know, I would say that it’s not “kids at risk, it’s “Klal Yisrael at risk.” I have worked with hundreds of so-called “kids at risk.” Most of the time these young people are the cream of the crop. Adel, sweet, caring individuals. The kind that, if you say “Well, I have to be going into the city now,” they’ll immediately offer to give you a ride. And it’s often because they are not aggressive or bullying by nature that they are swayed by bad influences, make bad decisions. But they are good kids.

You have to ask yourself : What would happen if they would not fall through the cracks? They have tremendous potential and a role to fill in the Jewish people. There are so many different mandates: tefilah, chesed, writers, administration, etcetera. In an eltist system, these are all b’dieved. But is that really the emes? No one should be an extra. Everyone should feel needed and important---because they are. This is how Yaakov Avinu spoke and blessed all of his children before he left this world: “Each man according to his blessing did he bless them.”

So, if we allow them to fall thorugh the gaps, Klal Yisrael loses. So it’s not just a matter of saving this kid or that kid; but of saving Klal Yisrael. As I said, we have to decide if we can afford to lose them.

Read the full article...

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of savinglivesandstampingoutdisease.com)

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Rav Moshe Weinberger Shiur on How to Give Over Yiddishkeit

With thanks to Nati and Dr. Ron Samet for sharing this shiur with me... Rav Weinberger gave a shiur at a kollel in Eretz Yisroel this past Wednesday. It was on the topic of how to give over Yiddishkeit to one's children, students, and to other Jews.

He talked about the two main aspects of educating a Jew. He spoke about the aspect of giving over the information about the Torah on one hand and about giving over the Giver of the Torah on the other hand. We must teach people the body of Judaism, but we can only do so when we're also giving over the neshoma, the soul of Yiddishkeit, which is how to create a connection with Hashem.

He illustrates this point with a classic story called "The Lost Horse" from Rav Simcha Bunim of Pshischa. I told over this story and posted a video of RAv Weinberger telling over this story in THIS POST.

During the shiur he tells over a TRULY HILARIOUS story at the beginning of the shiur as well.

Please CLICK HERE to listen to the shiur in in mp3 format by either left clicking to listen right away or right clicking and selecting "Save Target As" to download the shiur.

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of Yeshivas Derech Hamelech)

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Yeshiva for Boys That Don't Fit Into Regular Yeshivos - Video

Courtesy of Fritzi Zethofer

-Dixie Yid

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The Compulsion to Do an Aveira Must Be Treated Like an Addiction

In her second post about my and Rabbi Maryles' posts about some of the factors which are related to Jews going off the derech, Frumhouse wrote that the key to increasing the chances of Baalei Teshuva staying on the Derech is maintence in all areas of life. In the course of her comments, she wrote:

As an example, an ex-smoker might feel momentary relief in a cigarette during a stressful moment, but the pain of addiction and fear of cancer will be a quick reminder of why they quit in the first place. The drag of a cigarette can never be as sweet as those first puffs taken in ignorance of the consequences. Additionally, there will also be the sting of personal failure ingested with each inhale. Similarly, imagine the frustrations of a chronic dieter who struggles to lose weight, reaches a modicum of success, only to give up the difficult fight and pack the pounds back on. These analogies illustrate why I believe that BTs who go off the derech are never truly satisfied with their choice to revert back to their former lives. I realize that I am likening becoming frum to overcoming an addiction. However, I believe that this diagnosis is correct for many of us.

Although she seems somewhat appologetic for comparing doing aveiros to addition, I think this is a very accurate analogy. Addiction is not only about alcohol and narcotics. It is about not being able to resist any kind of compulsion and not being mevatel one's self, nullifying one's self, to G-d. For instance, Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski has a Twelve Step Program for those with low self esteem. Groups also exist for Gamblers, Debtors, Clutterers and Workaholics.

When a person finds comfort in things that he knows are harmful to himself and others, he shares the same root problem that alcoholics and other addicts face. Doing aveiros in thought, word or deed fall into this category as well.

We could start other "Anonymous" groups to address these problems as well. We could have:

• Shul Talkers Anonymous
• Lashon Hara Speakers Anonymous
• Bitul Torah Anonymous
• Shmiras Ha'Einayim Anonymous

Let's say a person can't stop himself from talking in Shul, even though he knows that it's wrong and that he's passing up on the opportunity for davening to Hashem as well as the fact that he's distracting others. Or let's say that whenever a person's on the train, on the street or on the computer, he can't seem to stop himself from gazing at things that he is forbidden to look at. In either case, or a multitude of others, no matter how many times he tries to stop doing it, and no matter how much he knows that these things are destroying himself spiritually, he just can't seem to stop doing it.

As a summary, the twelve step programs take the following approach to this situation:

* admitting that one cannot control one's addiction or
compulsion
* recognizing a greater power that can give strength
* examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member)
* making amends for these errors
* learning to live a new life with a new code
of behavior
*helping others that suffer from the same addictions or compulsions.

The first step is admitting that you don't control what you're doing wrong. There's no way to progress if you still see yourself as in the driver's seat, and that you "can stop doing it whenever you want to." The idea is recognizing that without turning to Hashem for help, you also cannot progress. As the Gemara in Kiddusin 30b says, "ואמר ר"ש בן לוי ... ואלמלא הקב"ה עוזרו אין יכול לו," "Reb Shimon ben Levi says that without Hashem's help [in conquering the evil inclination/Yetzer Hara], one cannot conquor it."

Whatever it is that a person can't stop himself from doing, he should view himself as being just as bad off as someone with an addiction. As long as one doesn't recognize the seriousness of his faults, he won't be able to even take the first step in correcting it. After that, one must turn to Hashem as their source of help and constantly recognize his faults and work to correct them.

May Hashem help us recognize our faults and turn to Hashem to help us correct them!

-Dixie Yid

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Rejection Leads to Going Off the Derech

In the 5th aliya in Parshas Vayeira, Hashem assures Avraham that Sorah's counsel that he should expel Yishmael and Hagar from their home is correct. Then, Breishis 21:14 says that "וַתֵּלֶךְ וַתֵּתַע, בְּמִדְבַּר בְּאֵר שָׁבַע." "She [Hagar] went and wandered in the desert of Be'er Sheva." Rashi is bothered by the order of the pasuk which says that Hagar "went" and then "wandered." Rashi comments, quoting Pirkei D'Rebbi Eliezer, that she wandered back to the idolotry of her family.

It occured to me that despite the fact that in this particular instance, the rejection she experienced was warrented, Rashi is also saying that the natural result of being rejected by people is turning away from Hashem as well.

When a child is expelled from Yeshiva for less than l'shem shomayim reasons, or when a child is driven out of his or her own home, or when a boy or girl feels rejected as not being good enough by the parents one expects unconditional love from, even if they are never "kicked" out of their home, that kind of rejection leads one in the direction of wandering away from Hashem as well.

If we would know by a clear nevuah from Hashem that the consequences of such a rejection are warrented, as Avraham did, then it would be worth the cost. But none of us are getting such Nevuahs. We don't have to approve of the bad things that our children or our students do, but we must not reject or expell them as people. Otherwise they may go the route of Hagar, and turn not only from their families, but from Hashem as well, rachmana l'tzlan.

We have been writing a lot about what causes people to go off the Derech and I think Rashi's insight here is quite on point.

(B"H, though, Hagar [Rashi Breishis 25:1] and Yishmael [Rashi Breishis 25:9] both did Teshuva!)

-Dixie Yid

P.S. See Shirat Devorah's related post, which also links to this one for a great story with Reb Zusha and Reb Elimelech and the story that led to their birth.

(Picture courtesy of elearning2)

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The Proper Place for Criticisms of Jewish Communities

I received the following guest Post from Yosef Hakohen regarding my link to Rabbi Horowitz's article on why frum Jews sometimes go off the Derech:

I have had teachers from both the Chareidei and Modern Orthodox (Religious Zionist) worlds, and I have lived in both worlds. I do not think that the reason Rabbi Horowitz cited is the main cause for people going off the derech, as the Modern Orthodox world also has a serious problem with people going off the derech, and you can't say that it is because their schools do not emphasize English-language skills.

I have spent most of my life trying to build bridges between different groups of Jews. I am therefore troubled by one type of reaction to Rabbi Horowitz's article: someone from the Modern Orthodox world who uses Rabbi Horowitz's comments as an excuse to snidely "put-down" the Chareidi world, which includes Chassidic, Lithuanian Yeshiva, Hirschian, and Sephardic communities. (Yes, the majority of the Hirschian community in Washington Heights has been affiliated with Agudath Israel of America, the leading Chareidi organization.)

One reason for the "put-downs" or "bashing" of Chareidim by some Modern Orthodox Jews is because some Modern Orthodox Jews feel very threatened by the growth and increasing strength of the Chareidi communities. In addition, some are upset that their own children have become Chareidi.

Many of us, however, have greatly benefited from the great teachers within the Chareidi world; moreover, we have greatly benefited from the deep spirituality and warm hospitality of many Chareidim. We should therefore be careful not to fall into the trap of belittling Chareidim.

Thoughtful discussion and criticism within one's own community, like Rabbi Horowitz's article, can be constructive, but it can be destructive when those from another community sieze upon his comments in order to promote their own negative views and stereotypes of the Chareidi world.

Shalom Al Yisrael,
Yosef Ben Shlomo Hakohen

I totally agree with Yosef's point. It reminds me of the rich man and the poor man. The rich man always quotes the ma'amar chazal that says that it is better for a man to work a menial job than to beg for money from others, to criticize the poor man for collecting. And the poor man always quotes the ma'amar that one must support poor people to the level that they were accustomed to, even if that was a very wealthy lifestyle, and how much the more so someone like him who was just trying to get by. The rabbi commented that they both had it wrong. The ma'amar about the poor man's conduct was directed at the poor man. And the ma'amar about the rich man's conduct was directed at the rich man. But that they both had it reversed and were both hearing the messages directed at the other. It helped them deflect from looking at and examining their own actions. The same thing certainly applies to those modern orthodox or others who constantly criticize chareidim rather than their own communities. It is atzas yetzer hara.

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of lifehack.org)

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Rabbi Horowitz on Why Some Go Off the Derech

A few of us have been renewing our writing recently about the factors that contribute to frum people going off the derech ("OTD"). See, e.g.:

* Rabbi Harry Maryles: Elisha ben Avuya
* Dixie Yid: Where to Focus When Adults Go Off the Derech
* Frumhouse: Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Fall
* Frumhouse: The Key is Maintenance

Please read Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz's article on this topic.

Some have already commented on it:

* Brooklyn Wolf: Wolfish Musings
* Rabbi Harry Maryles: The One Two Punch
* Update: Yosef Hakohen: The Proper Place for Criticisms of Jewish Communitities

He asserts the what-should-be-obvious point that if we do not teach our children to be proficient in reading, writing and speaking the language of the country we live in, we are crippling their ability to do their hishtadlus in parnasa, to work in a bekovadikeh way, an honorable way. Ein somchin al haneis, we do not rely on miracles. Where there are problems with parnasa, there are usually also problems with shalom bayis and self-esteem. And where these problems exist, even more problems arise that can cause the children in these families to be moved in the direction of going OTD.

It would be quite worthwhile to see his article. (LINK)

-Dixie Yid

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The Maintenence Theory of How to Stay On the Derech

Little Frumhouse on the Praire wrote a follow-up post, responding to my post on why people go off the derech. Now, she has honed her presentation of that theory.

CLICK HERE to read her new post on the subject. Although I think that Rabbi Maryles and I were mainly discussing why FFBs (those who were raised frum) sometimes go off the derech, Frumhouse is primarily discussing an equally important point, i.e. why Baalei Teshuva sometimes revert back to their old ways.

-Dixie Yid

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Where to Focus When Adults Go Off the Derech

I read Rabbi Harry Maryles' post at Emes V'Emunah yesterday about adults who go off the derech. K'darko bakodesh, Rabbi Maryles focuses on the valid problems within the frum community as reasons for this happening, when it does. However, when we have negative experiences with other frum Jews, we, as individuals, must look to ourselves, rather than at others when "deciding" to keep or abandon frumkeit.

I have noticed a common personality trait in the majority of the few adults that I have known who have become "less frum." That trait is negativity. And it shows its self long before it manifests its self in lower levels of observance. Some people have a personality whereby they seem to have a reverse-Azamra personality. They seem to see the negativity and the cynical side in anything and anyone.

I first met one friend of mine, who is slowly sliding in that direction, by the washing station on the way into davening one time on Shabbos. In his very first words to me, he commented to me that he thought the Shul was transgressing lifnei iver, causing people to sin, by having a washing station faucet that could give both hot and cold water, even on Shabbos. He's a nice guy but ever since that time, I have consistently noticed this trait in him showing its self again and again.

I think when someone always sees the negative side of things, they are much more turned off than others would be when they experience actual or perceived slights coming from other frum people. Over time, this leads to a greater cynicism toward Yiddishkeit its self. Since, in such people's minds, Yiddishkeit has produced the negativity that they always see in others, Yiddishkeit must be defective too.

While we should recognize and correct our own negative traits that hurt other people, we should not lose focus on the internal midos of those people who are prone to go "off the derech." Just as we do our community a disservice if we ignore our own faults that drive people away, we do also those people a disservice as well if we validate their false belief that their decision to leave the path is only due to "other people's problems," but not due to their own internal faults.

IY"H, we should see the time soon where we are zocheh to all correct our faults and when we only make a Kiddush Hashem to ourselves and to others, b'vias Goel Tzedek bimeheira veyameinu.

UPDATE: See also, Little Frumhouse on the Praire's very poignant response to Rabbi Maryles' and my posts on this subject.

-Dixie Yid

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What Causes Kids to Go Off the Derech - Interesting Op Ed

In this opinion piece in the Jerusalem Post newspaper, forwarded to me by my wife's uncle, focuses on the pressing problem of too many frum kids going "off the derech," leaving the path of observance.

R' Boteach's main theory as to why so many kids go "off the derech" is the absentee parenting that he says is very prevelent in frum homes. He focuses mostly on Chabad Shluchim, but the same can be said about most frum homes in major metropolitan areas. Parents (especially fathers) are out of the house most nights of the week giving or attending shiurim, attending Smachos, learning or working late. Even on Shabbos, he points out that children don't sit with their parents in Shul, but rather go to youth groups instead.

My rebbe has also commented that it is deterimental to our homes that parents are busy going to simchas, parlor meetings, shiurim, etc. every night and aren't ever home with their children at night.

It is a difficult problem. Men must often work late even just to get by financially in major metro areas, which are expensive to live in. They are also obligated to learn Torah, and therefore can't spend all their evenings at home with the family as this would be bitul Torah. There are many challenges and it's difficult to know the right balance.

Right now, the only way we can balance this problem in my family is that although I am almost never home until after the kids go to sleep at night due to law school (and when I graduate, that will probably continue due to law firm hours), I am able to come home after learning in the mornings to spend 45 minutes or so with the kids helping them get ready for school, before I head out to daven Shacharis.

Any other ideas on how to balance family with communal/personal goals/responsibilities so as to avoid neglecting our families and Ch"VSh creating our own "kids at risk?"

-Dixie Yid

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