Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A Hopeful Message for Those without Children - Guest Post by Yosef Hakohen

This post is very much in line with a number of shiurim given by my Rebbe. I definitely recommend listening to this shiur, which is so fundamental to a Jew's understanding of his purpose in life. -D.Y.
The Fruits of Zion’s Barren Trees
Dear Friends,

The Torah is described as, “a tree of life to those who hold fast to it” (Proverbs 3:18). In addition, the 613 mitzvos of the Torah can be viewed as “branches” on this tree (Sefer Chareidim, chap. 61). The first of the 613 mitzvos which is recorded in the Torah is the following mitzvah to increase life: “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis l:28). Regarding this mitzvah, Maimonides writes: “By this injunction, we are commanded to be fruitful and multiply for the perpetuation of the species” (Book of Mitzvos, 212).

This mitzvah is of special significance to our people, since the Torah is considered to be the heritage of all Israel – a heritage which is to be passed on to one’s children. According to our tradition, a child is not only a gift of life; a child is also a messenger of life – one who will transmit the life-giving teachings of Torah to future generations. This transmission is not just for our sake; it is also for the sake of the world, as in the messianic age, “Torah will go forth from Zion” (Isaiah 2:3), and, “The earth will be filled with the knowledge of Hashem” (Isaiah 11:9). Those of our people who, despite their best efforts to properly fulfill this sacred mitzvah, are unable to have children, may feel that they are not full members of the Family of Israel and that they are not contributing to the fulfillment of Israel’s mission. Many centuries ago, the Prophet Isaiah addressed this concern when he proclaimed the following message of Hashem, the Compassionate and Life-Giving One, to those without children:

“Let not the barren one say, ‘Behold I am a dry tree.’ For thus said Hashem to the barren ones who observe My Sabbaths, choose what I desire, and hold fast to My Covenant: In My house and within My walls, I will give them a place of honor and renown, which is better than sons and daughters; eternal renown will I give them, which will never be terminated.” (Isaiah 56:3-5)

People without children are not to consider themselves to be dry trees, if they keep the Sabbaths of Hashem, do what Hashem desires, and hold fast to our Covenant with Hashem, which is the Torah (Exodus 24:7,8). In this spirit, the Midrash cites the following teaching of Rabbi Judah Ben Shalom, the Levite:

When a person departs from the world without children, he is troubled and weeps. The Holy One, Blessed Be He, says to him: “Why do you weep? Is it because you did not leave fruits in this world? You have left fruits which are more valuable than children!” The person then asks: “Master of the Universe, what fruits have I left?” And the Holy One, Blessed Be He, answers: “The fruits of Torah – the Tree of Life, as it is written (Proverbs 11:30): ‘The fruit of the righteous one is a tree of life.’ ” (Midrash Tanchuma, Noah 2)

“The fruit of the righteous one is a tree of life.” – Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch, in his commentary on these words, writes:

“For the righteous person, everything he does is a tree of life. Out of his every deed grows something beneficial and life-giving to his surroundings.” (Cited in “From the Wisdom of Mishle,” page 69)

The fruitful deeds mentioned in the above Divine promise to the barren ones are the keeping of the Sabbaths of Hashem, doing what Hashem desires, and holding fast to the Torah, our covenant with Hashem. I would like to suggest the following reasons why these three examples are mentioned:

1. The keeping of the Sabbaths is a central mitzvah which represents all the mitzvos of the Torah regarding our relationship with Hashem. This is because the keeping of the Sabbaths serve as a reminder that Hashem is the Creator of the earth and all life on earth, including us (Genesis 2:1-3). Hashem therefore proclaimed in the fourth of the Ten Commandments: “Keep the Sabbath Day to sanctify it” (Deuteronomy 5:12).

The commentator, Radak (Rabbi David Kimchi), cites the following interpretation of “My Sabbaths” in the name of his father (Rabbi Yosef Kimchi): This phrase refers to both the Sabbath which commemorates the creation – the sacred seventh day, and the Sabbatical Year – the sacred seventh year when we do not work the land.

The Sabbath of the week reminds us that Hashem is the Creator of the earth, and the Sabbatical Year reminds us that Hashem is also the Owner of the earth. The Talmud therefore teaches that through the mitzvah of the Sabbatical Year, Hashem is telling Israel:

“Sow for six years and let go of the land in the seventh year, in order that you know that the land is Mine” (Sanhedrin 39a).

2. Doing what Hashem desires represents all the mitzvos of the Torah regarding our relationship with other human beings and with other creatures. These are mitzvos which cause us to emulate the compassionate and life-giving ways of Hashem in these relationships, as it is written:

“Thus said Hashem: Let not the wise one glorify himself in his wisdom, nor the strong one glorify himself in his strength, nor the rich one glorify himself in his riches. For only with this may one glorify himself – contemplating and knowing Me, that I am Hashem Who does loving-kindness, justice, and righteousness on earth, for in these is My desire, spoke Hashem.” (Jeremiah 9:22, 23)

Hashem does loving-kindness, justice, and righteousness on earth, for in these is Hashem’s desire. Hashem makes us aware of this desire, for this knowledge of Hashem’s attributes is to inspire us to go in the Divine ways and act with loving-kindness, justice and righteousness to others. (Commentary of Radak)

3. “And hold fast to My Covenant” – This means that we are to recognize that the responsibility to fulfill all the mitzvos of the Torah is our Covenant with Hashem; thus, we are to hold fast to this Covenant and fulfill our mission with great dedication, regardless of the challenges and difficulties that may arise in our lives. This Covenant is with all Israel, and holding fast to this Covenant enables us to do our share in the fulfillment of Israel’s mission.

The barren ones who strive to serve Hashem in this manner will be given a place of honor and renown in Zion, as Hashem proclaimed:

In My house and within My walls, I will give them a place of honor and renown, which is better than sons and daughters; eternal renown will I give them.

“In My house” – This is a reference to the Holy Temple. (Targum Yonasan and Radak)

Why does Hashem emphasize that the barren ones will have honor and renown within the Holy Temple in Zion? I would like to suggest that an answer can be found in the ancient teaching cited by Maimonides which reveals that the human being was created at the site of the future Holy Temple (Mishneh Torah, Beis Habechirah 2:2). The barren ones may feel that since they were unable to have children, they have not fulfilled the life-giving purpose of the human being within creation. Hashem therefore proclaims that they will be honored in the very place where the human being was created, for through their life-giving deeds, they are indeed fulfilling the purpose of the human being within the creation.

I would like to suggest another reason why the barren ones will have honor and renown within the Holy Temple. According to the following prophecy, Torah is to go forth to the world from the Temple in Zion:

“Many peoples will go and say, ‘Come, let us go up to the Mountain of Hashem, to the Temple of the God of Jacob, and He will teach us of His ways and we will walk in His paths,’ for from Zion will go forth Torah and the word of Hashem from Jerusalem.” (Isaiah 2:3)

The barren ones may feel that they are unable to properly contribute to the fulfillment of this mission, since they cannot transmit the Torah to future generations by having children. Hashem is therefore revealing to the barren ones that they too are contributing to the fulfillment of this mission through their devotion to other mitzvos and through holding fast to the Covenant of Torah. They will therefore be given “eternal renown” in the very place from where Torah will go forth to the world.

Have a Good and Sweet Shabbos,
Yosef Ben Shlomo Hakohen (See below)

Related Teachings:

1. “The main offspring of the righteous are their good deeds.” (Commentary of Rashi on Genesis 6:9)

2. The Talmud states that if someone teaches his friend’s child Torah, “It's as if he gave birth to him” (Sanhedrin 19b).

3. The Talmud also states (Sanhedrin 99b):

“Whoever teaches his friend’s child Torah, it’s as if he made him, as it is written (concerning the disciples of Avraham and Sarah): ‘the souls they made in Haran’ (Genesis 12:5).”

In Haran, Avraham and Sarah served as teachers and guides to the spiritually-searching men and women of their generation. The commentator, Rashi, in his explanation of the words, “the souls they made,” states that they brought people “under the wings of the Shechinah (Divine Presence).” Their teachings gave new life to these searching souls, and from the perspective of the Torah, these are “the souls they made in Haran.”

People who cannot give birth to physical children can therefore strengthen our people and our mission through giving birth to spiritual children.

Hazon – Our Universal Vision
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Thursday, February 5, 2009

How Baking Challah Can Bring A Bring a Woman to High Levels

Yesterday, on my post Where do Women "Fit" Into Avodas Hashem Anyway?, Leah Shaindel commented that she was told by the Koidinover Rebbe that a woman can reach very high levels through making Challah, but that she didn't know the explanation. I passed her question on to Rabbi Micha Golshevsky, who I thought might know the answer. Here was his response to the question:

[E]verything depends on what we think. A woman who remembers that she is doing a mitzvah of Chesed when taking care of the house or kids, fulfills the mitzvah of v'ahavtah l'rayacha kamocha. She has many other ways to directly elevate her house.

For example she can focus on fulfiling the mitzvah of chinuch while she spends time with her kids. She should also remember that every instant she is fulfilling the many mitzvos of tznius, being careful how she speaks, etc etc.
(Spirit of the Law, 72:6)

A universal custom among the Jewish people involves baking challah in honor of Shabbos... Even if bread baked by a Jew is available, each household should bake so that the woman of the house can take challah from the dough, etc.

Rav Nosson explains one of the deeper reasons behind lighting candles and taking challah in honor of Shabbos, as well as why the performance of these mitzvos is the woman's perogative.

Rebbe Nachman explained the verse, "Hashem is close to all who call...to Him in truth," in a novel way. No matter where you have fallen, if you will just call to the Creator in truth on your own level, He will surely reveal Himself to you since He is close to any who call in truth. Even if all you can do is say, "please help me," this will also reveal the portals that lead out of spiritual darkness to the illuminationof true connection.

Shabbos candles represent the light of truth that cuts through the deepest darkness and illuminates the path back to holiness, since Shabbos represents the next world which is the ultimate truth. Speaking even one word in truth illuminates the most mundane situation and brings closeness to Hashem, much as Shabbos imbues the mundane with sanctity.

The truth was easily discernible before Adam and Chava ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. When they ate, "the light of the world was extinguished." This means that before they ate, they existed in a more enlightened state and could easily tell the difference between right and wrong. After they ate, evil went from being external and noticeable to internal and difficult to discern.

Their intention when eating was to intensify their challenges so that they could ultimately afford Hashem more pleasure when they toiled to choose good over evil. Their mistake was that they should have done what Hashem said regardless of what they understood to be more beneficial spiritually. Hashem had said not to eat from the fruit; they should not have eaten.

Challah is set aside for a kohein, a direct male descendant of Aharon who is referred to as the "man of truth" in the verse. The kohein is the paradigm of the tzaddik who has more connection to the truth than the average person. By giving him the challah, he demonstrates how we can connect even our bread to the ultimate Source, the absolute truth of all creation.

Forging a connection with a kohein galvanizes a person to redouble his efforts in his quest for truth and holiness.

Nowadays the challah is not given to a kohein, but it is burned. The very fact that we separate a small amount of dough and yearn to give it to a kohein and attain the lofty connection this brings connects us to the higher aspect of striving for truth. It has the required effect as though we had given the challah to a kohein.
Women as a whole were affected by Chava's sin to a great extent. (This is in accordance with the relevant verses as well as Midrashic, Talmudic, and Kabbalistic teachings on them. The subject is a very broad one that will be addressed later on in the series.) The rectification of this is that women work to restore the truth to the world by lighting Shabbos candles and increasing their levels of truth by giving challah. This explains a little of why we separate challah before Shabbos and why women have the especial perogative to fulfill the mitzvah.

May Hashem fill us with the truth and the light of Shabbos!

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Friday, January 16, 2009

Today's News: And I shall Harden Pharoah's Heart...


In this week's Parsha, it says, "וַאֲנִי אֲחַזֵּק אֶת-לִבּוֹ" And I shall harden [Pharoah's] heart... (Shmos 4:21)

Hamerkaz: Hamas Political Chief Rejects Cease-Fire

And why did Hashem harden Pharoah's heart? "וְהִרְבֵּיתִי אֶת-אֹתֹתַי וְאֶת-מוֹפְתַי, בְּאֶרֶץ מִצְרָיִם..." "[So that I may] multiply my signs and wonders in the land of Egypt" (or in this case, bordering Gaza). (Shmos 7:3)

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of Hamercaz)

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Are ALL Psychiatric Issues Related to a Lack of Emunah/Midos Work?


Frumhouse has a great followup on my post yesterday, where I illustrated why, for those kids that need it (and aren't prescribed it just to make it easier for the parents/teachers), ADHD Medication can be a real lifesaver. She points out another angle to explain the opposition to treating ADHD with medication, even when it helps. She says that one problem that often exists in the frum community is that we stigmatize any mental health issue, to a point where we make it worse for the people who suffer from these things by blaming them, despite the non-volitional nature of the conditions that are involved. It's well worth reading!

Frumhouse: Prescription for Psychiatric Issues: Increased Emunah?

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of NYTimes - It's not really related to the topic of mental health, except that I was writing about how we raise kids, and this is a picture of kids - But such cute kids!)

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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

ADHD Medication as Emotional, Psychological & Spiritual Lifesaver


In response to my post on spotting AD/HD from Sunday, a blogger I very much respect and some of his commenters wrote many words in opposition to the treatment of ADHD with medication. While some of them will at least acknowledge that some cases do exist where ADHD medication is warranted and beneficial, the whole discussion brought home to me the general issue that there are many people who completely deny the existence of ADHD, or at least the idea that it should ever be treated with medication.

Those who rail in opposition to ADHD medication fixate on the legitimate problem that exists when psychotropic drugs like Concerta, Ritalin and Aderall, which are used to treat the symptoms of ADHD, are used merely for classroom management, to make adults' lives easier. Just like we don't perform surgery on one person to relieve another person's pain, it is wrong to medicate one person (the child) because of the unpleasantness that child's behavior is causing in the adults around him or her.

Furthermore, they focus on the legitimate problem of drug companies financial gifts to some of the doctors who prescribe these drugs. Just as a lawyer is not supposed to receive financial benefit from a third party to influence the attorneys services to his client, according to legal ethics rules, so too it should be considered unethical for doctors to do so, though I know this is the accepted practice.

That being said, myopically focusing on these problems causes people's opposition to not only misdiagnosis of ADHD or overprescription of medication, but also to be against recognition of the reality facing those kids with ADHD in general. They claim that the whole thing is made up by drug companies. Or that it is just the kids choices, and if they would only learn a little self-control, they would be able to pay more attention in school... v'chulei v'chulei v'chulei.

Point:

Let me paint you a picture of a child with severe ADHD without medical treatment. This young boy (could be a girl too), from the age of 3, can't sit down in circle time. When they play games, he can't focus on more than the first step of the rules in the game, and forgets everything else. It is therefore no fun for the other children to play with him, since he messes up every game he participates in. He can't focus on the subtle cues given off by other people. So he talks to people, touches them, or relates to them in ways that they don't like without even realizing he's doing it. So other kids don't like to play with him and exclude him for their games. This is the beginning of his social problems, which just continue in similar ways as he grows older.

Academically, he doesn't suffer too much at age 3 and 4 since not much solid learning is done at that age and he has plenty of time to play during the school day. His problems get a little worse at age 5 when he starts learning the aleph beis. While the other kids are practicing and watching the Morah teach the letters, he can't sit still so he makes circles around the room, or is continuously sat back down or punished for not staying in his seat. In either case, he barely learns a quarter of the letters the other kids are learning because he can't focus or sit still long enough to learn them. He's very bright. He has a very insightful mind that thinks more freely, creatively and analytically than most kids his age. But since he can't read the aleph beis and that's the curriculum that year, his insightful and inquisitive nature doesn't get much expression.

Now let's go to first grade. They start building on the kids knowledge of the letters and begin to learn to read words with nekudos and start doing handwriting drills to learn to write. As the kids kriah (reading) and (kesiva) writing progresses, he spends the time either circling the classroom, in time-out for not sitting as he was told, or fidgeting/doodling/daydreaming in his seat. Needless to say, without even knowing all of the letters from the previous year, he certainly can't learn to read.

His teachers call his parents and speak to them at parent/teacher conferences frequently about his inability to function in the classroom, so his parents are getting really worried about him. They send him to get evaluated. The district evaluates him for a learning disability. They take him to the opthamologist to see if he is nearsighted. His parents work with him on getting his homework done every night. They try every form of star chart, weekly prize system and behavior modification technique that they can find. They take him to a therapist to work with him on his inability to do well in school or get along with other kids.

It's now near the end of first grade. He feels dumb and stupid every day in school because he can see that the other kids know how to read and write and he can't. He's embarrassed feels guilty about not being able to do the things the other kids can do. So instead of just sitting there like a failure, not being able to do what he's supposed to do, he runs around, he talks back to the teacher so he can get sent in the hall, away from the assignments he'd have to do in the room. He throws airplanes and makes jokes during class to make the other kids laugh. At least then they're laughing at how funny he is, and not laughing at him because his handwriting is an illegible scrawl or because he can't read the lines in the Sidur that the other kids can read during kriah.

Things go on like this through the lower grades. Every year's skills build on the skills of the year before and he just can't sit still or focus long enough to learn more than a fraction of the information the other kids can learn, despite his intellectual brightness. He soon learns that if he can't succeed in school and get good grades, there really is nothing for him to feel proud about.

As he gets older into junior high, it continues. His parents, teachers, Morahs, Rebbeim, Gemaras, Chumashim and Sidurim and frummie goodie-two-shoes kids make him feel befuddled become the source of his resentment. These things and people always remind him that he can't do what any normal boy can do. They remind him every day that he is stupid and dumb and can't do anything right or learn anything. Therefore, he runs away from davening, learning, Rebbeim & the "good kids" every time he gets the chance.

Maybe he goes off the derech completely in high school or afterwards because everything associated with Yiddishkeit in his life is also associated with rejection, failure, stupidity and frustration. He knows he's smart but the kind of thinking he knows how to do isn't valued, noticed or appreciated by anyone apparently. It could be that he stays "on the derech," but in form only, and not in substance. When he grows up, he gets a job that allows him to be boisterous, use his keen intellect, or move around alot. He certainly doesn't continue learning, unless he can go to a yeshiva or kollel where he can spend all of his time shmuezing, and not learning those dizzying words of the Gemara.

Counterpoint:

Now let's take that same kid in first or second grade. Except this time, his parents are advised by a couple of therapists that they might want to look into whether he would benefit from an ADHD medication. They look into it. After a couple of recommendations from a Psychologist and a try some ADHD medications. The first one turns him into a zombie with no personality and no appetite. That one goes out the door really fast. The second one they try works. There are no major side effects and they make sure he eats before taking it so that his loss of appetite won't cause him to eat too little. After a week on the new medication, they can see the results already.

In class when everyone sits in their seats learning something, all of a sudden he realizes that he has the ability to sit, listen and concentrate on what the teacher is saying too. He can actually sit and practice the in-school and the homework assignments. They become tolerable and he starts getting "checks" and "check pluses" on his papers. Hey, this feels kind of good. He keeps at it and within six months, he's caught up to his grade level.

This keeps up and as he gets older, in middle school, they start learning Gemara and literature in the English department. Since he can get past the basic language skills on an average level (not the top of the class, just average, though that's okay!), he can actually get into the discussions about the Gemara since he understands what it's talking about. He can actually ask better and more insightful kashas on the Gemara than the other kids, since he can get past the technical skills. He begins using that flying/whizzing mind of his for real analytical problems. The Rebbe is very impressed. He has frequent experiences of legitimate successes every day. He feels good about yeshiva, the Rebbeim, the Gemara, etc.

His life isn't any more perfect than any normal kid, but at least he feels like a normal kid. And one day, when he's out of high school and he can make his own choices about what kind of school he goes to and what he does outside yeshiva/college. He does things that fit his energetic/hyperactive/creative/analytical/outgoing nature. He no longer needs the medication because he's not a kid anymore. He still has ADHD, but he doesn't have to sit in a seat for 8 hours of class and 3 hours of homework every night anymore. He can do creative and exciting things with his life that he chooses and which fit his nature and personality.

Conclusion:

Let me just tell you a story from a Child Psychologist friend of ours. She was working with a little boy who had ADHD. She saw him every week, the parents worked with him and eventually his parents decided to put him on ADHD medication. After about a week on the medication, our friend asked the little boy, "Do you feel any different now that you're on the medicine?" He answered her frankly that, "No, I don't feel any different. But boy, this medicine sure is helping my Mom and Teacher!!! They used to be so mean to me and make me do hard things. But ever since I started this medicine, they are so much nicer to me now and they started giving me easier work. It really is helping them!" I think that about sums it up.

Do the above very realistic scenarios mean that every kid with behavior problems should be on ADHD medication? Obviously not. If a kid has behavior issues, but doesn't have the indications of ADHD or is able to keep up with his or her grade level in school, then it's really hard to see any justification for putting the kid on such a strong medication for the behavioral difficulties alone. But for those kids who need it, ADHD medication is a lifesaver, and should not be withheld for hoity-toity ideological reasons, or just because some other kids are getting it even though they shouldn't.

For symptoms/indications and info on treatment and medication, please see THIS POST, where I link to good resources to determine if your child actually has ADHD.

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of adhdtreatment)

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Monday, December 8, 2008

Rav Moshe Weinberger Shiur on How to Give Over Yiddishkeit


With thanks to Nati and Dr. Ron Samet for sharing this shiur with me... Rav Weinberger gave a shiur at a kollel in Eretz Yisroel this past Wednesday. It was on the topic of how to give over Yiddishkeit to one's children, students, and to other Jews.

He talked about the two main aspects of educating a Jew. He spoke about the aspect of giving over the information about the Torah on one hand and about giving over the Giver of the Torah on the other hand. We must teach people the body of Judaism, but we can only do so when we're also giving over the neshoma, the soul of Yiddishkeit, which is how to create a connection with Hashem.

He illustrates this point with a classic story called "The Lost Horse" from Rav Simcha Bunim of Pshischa. I told over this story and posted a video of RAv Weinberger telling over this story in THIS POST.

During the shiur he tells over a TRULY HILARIOUS story at the beginning of the shiur as well.

Please CLICK HERE to listen to the shiur in in mp3 format by either left clicking to listen right away or right clicking and selecting "Save Target As" to download the shiur.

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of Yeshivas Derech Hamelech)

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Sunday, December 7, 2008

Important Info For Parents of Children With Possible AD/HD


Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz from Project YES has some great columns for parents who are concerned that their children may have AD/HD and who may not be doing well in school:

ADD-ADHD
ADD-ADHD Assessment and Testing
ADD-ADHD Use of Medication

Here's some basic information from the 2nd column on assessment of whether a child may have ADD or AD/HD:

For example, the Washington D.C.-based American Psychiatric Association
lists 14 attributes of ADD/ADHD, of which at least eight symptoms must be
present for a child to be officially classified as ADD or ADHD. Simply review
them and check them off as you go:

___ Often fidgets with his/her hands or feet, or squirms while seated.
___ Has difficulty remaining seated.
___ Is easily distracted by extraneous stimuli.
___ Has difficulty awaiting turn in games or group activities.
___ Often blurts out answers before questions are completed.
___ Has difficulty following instructions.
___ Has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities.
___ Often shifts from one uncompleted task to another.
___ Has difficulty playing quietly.
___ Often talks excessively.
___ Often interrupts or intrudes on others.
___ Often does not listen to what is being said.
___Often forgets things necessary for his/her tasks or activities.
___Often engages in physically dangerous activities without considering possible equences.

Please note that although some of these attributes may seem
similar, they are not exactly the same. It is also important to note that
ADD/ADHD diagnoses are further broken into three (there are actually several
additional sub-types, but that is beyond the scope of this article) specific
categories, each with its specific clinical presentation that better describes a
child’s behavior:
1) Hyperactive/Impulsive Type (classic Attention Deficit
Hyperactive Disorder),
2) Inattentive Type (classic Attention Deficit
Disorder), and
3) Combined Type (a combination of inattentive and
hyperactive).


-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of adhd.ca)

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Rabbi Horowitz on Why Some Go Off the Derech


A few of us have been renewing our writing recently about the factors that contribute to frum people going off the derech ("OTD"). See, e.g.:

* Rabbi Harry Maryles: Elisha ben Avuya
* Dixie Yid: Where to Focus When Adults Go Off the Derech
* Frumhouse: Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Fall
* Frumhouse: The Key is Maintenance

Please read Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz's article on this topic.

Some have already commented on it:

* Brooklyn Wolf: Wolfish Musings
* Rabbi Harry Maryles: The One Two Punch
* Update: Yosef Hakohen: The Proper Place for Criticisms of Jewish Communitities

He asserts the what-should-be-obvious point that if we do not teach our children to be proficient in reading, writing and speaking the language of the country we live in, we are crippling their ability to do their hishtadlus in parnasa, to work in a bekovadikeh way, an honorable way. Ein somchin al haneis, we do not rely on miracles. Where there are problems with parnasa, there are usually also problems with shalom bayis and self-esteem. And where these problems exist, even more problems arise that can cause the children in these families to be moved in the direction of going OTD.

It would be quite worthwhile to see his article. (LINK)

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of Picasaweb)

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Friday, November 7, 2008

Parshas Lech Lecha - Our Avos Teach Us Proper Communication


PARSHAS LECH LECHA - OUR AVOS TEACH US PROPER COMMUNICATION

Part one

By Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

The narrative stories about our forefathers are replete with lessons in derech eretz – proper conduct with others. Perhaps one reason why the Torah devoted the entire Chumash Bereishis to these events prior to the giving of the mitzvos is to teach us the important lesson “Derech eretz kadma laTorah” – receiving and studying the Torah must and be prefaced by (acting with) derech eretz (cf Midrash Rabba Vayikra 9:3, Torah Shelaima ,Bereishis,3:24 #242)

This week’s parsha begins with Hashem telling Avraham Avinu to leave his homeland and go to Eretz Cana'an where he would be blessed and become a great nation. However, when he settled there, he finds himself being forced to go to Egypt because of a famine. Upon approaching Egypt, he realizes that if the corrupt Egyptians would discover that Sarah is his wife, he will be murdered. He therefore had to make it quite clear to her that she mustn't slip when being asked her identity.

How would we instruct our wives under such conditions? Imagine someone trying to smuggle merchandise out of a country. As he approaches the border he would probably order his family members, "In case you are asked any questions by customs make sure you say that you have nothing to declare, for if not, who knows what they will do to us?" Similarly we would expect Avraham to command Sarah “In case the Egyptians ask us any questions, make sure you tell them that you’re my sister or else they’ll kill me!” Nevertheless Avraham did not forget about derech eretz when making his request. He said, "Imri na…" – "Please say…"

An important lesson learned from this is to say please when requesting, in other words, don’t be bossy, even when making a simple request to your spouse, child or colleague. For example, use phrases like, “Can you please pass the salt?”, or “Can you please bring in the mail?” Rav Avraham Pam once remarked that courtship should not end with marriage. Couples should continue to speak politely to each other just like when they were dating, by saying “please” and “thank you,” and by being appreciative. He further added that if couples would only keep ten percent of this politeness, it would make a world of difference to their shalom bayis. Rav Aharon Feldman further explains this concept in his book The River, the Kettle and the Bird (p.37), by saying “please” and “thank you” you express respect and concern towards your spouse’s feelings by not taking them for granted.

The Netziv (Ha’emek Davar, Breishis 12:13,) points out another important lesson in communication from Avraham Avinu. In the above scenario, we would expect him to tell Sara, “Please tell them that I'm your brother, or else they will kill me!” in order to save his own life. But instead, Avraham said, “Imri na achosi at… va'avuraich,” – please say that you are my sister… for your benefit, “Ve’choisa nafshee bi’glalaich” – and that I may live for you, meaning, if they kill me who would care for you? There is no doubt in our minds that Sarah would have kept their marriage a secret in order to save her husband’s life. Nevertheless, not only did Avraham request this of Sarah, but he also felt it important to explain the benefits to her so that psychologically she would feel even better about doing it.

We learn another important lesson from this. When requesting that another person do something for you, whenever possible, try to explain why it is also beneficial for him.

Some examples:

• When asking one’s spouse for some household help, try to explain how beneficial the help would be for the family. For instance, “Your assistance is greatly needed by the family because I simply do not have the energy to do it,” or “I am overwhelmed with work now, perhaps you do a chesed and can give me a hand,” or “I think that you can do a better job on this than I can.”

• When asking a child to purchase something in the grocery store, or to tidy up his room. The mitzva of kibud av va’eim – honoring and obeying one’s parents – certainly is reason enough for the child to listen. However, in light of Avraham’s example, the parent should add something that will make the child feel good about doing the chore, such as for “Buying food for the family is a tremendous chesed which the whole family appreciates” or “ When you tidy up your room, besides the chesed you’re doing for the family in keeping a neat home, you’re also training yourself in the mida of neatness & being orderly” (nekiyus and seder, both mentioned in Rav Yisroel Salanter’s list of 13 prime midos).

Avraham Avinu’s lesson is just one of the many examples of the numerous Middos that can be learned from the stories of our Avos.

(More examples will be given in Parshas Vayaitzai.)

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of nys school for the blind)

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Friday, October 24, 2008

Time With Kids Is Money - Great Video


I received this video from Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern by e-mail. It's defintiely worth sharing and relates to a post that I put up recently quite poiniently. It's a dramitization of a famous story that's gone around where a kid keeps asking his busy father how much money he makes, but the father never has enough time to talk to him. In the end, he finally answers his son, telling him how much he makes. Then the child takes out some money that he saved up and asks him if he could spend half an hour with him if he paid him the money(!)...

Enjoy, learn, and share...

-Dixie Yid

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

The New Internet Filter I'm Using


I'm hesitant to write about this Internet web filter until I feel like I can really get to know it and fully see how it works. But we just took the big plunge and bought and subscribed to an Internet filter called Kleen Web, from a frum Internet filtering company. I'd heard about it before, but a recent article in Jewish Action Magazine that I read by Yitzchok Adlerstein, a frequent contributor at Cross-Currents, renewed my interest in giving this another try.

There are several free options for cleaning up your Internet service but none of them really worked for me. I have tried one called K-9 Internet Protection, a free web filter. It prevented my computer from working properly and I couldn't get it working again until I uninstalled it. Furthermore, it was too easy to uninstall, which makes it less than safe for the kids anyway, who could more easily get around it. And I've also tried a program called x3watch, an Internet buddy program. X3watch is supposed to monitor the sites you visit and send a list of the questionable ones to your internet buddy, which would encourage self-monitoring of the sites one visits. #1, it doesn't really prevent kids from seeing things they shouldn't. And anyway, it never worked properly, even when I paid for customer support and my "Internet buddy" never reliably received the e-mails with possible "questionable" sites that were visited on my computer.

I therefore came to the conclusion that, at least for now, I had to bite the bullet and pay a little something to keep myself, and my children safe from the horrible things on the Internet.

So far, my computers seem to function properly on Kleen Web and it has a few advantages. #1, it's very flexible. I'm even able to run this blog with all of it's image, video and blog searches without too much of a problem. I'm able to set it to allow certain computers to access images.google.com and the like.

Another good thing about it is that certain things that would be universally considered inappropriate are never allowable and it causes the Google "safe serach" option to always be on. Also, it will sometimes selectively not display videos or pictures that are embedded in other sites if the source site for that picture/video is not allowed. For instance, it will not display a YouTube video that's embedded on my blog, even though it will display everything else, unless you have set it to allow YouTube on that computer.

One other advantage that makes it good is that it cannot be uninstalled from any computer that it's installed onto, unless you call in to their offices and give them certain security information over the phone. This adds another layer of protection so that kids or anyone without the security information can't remove the program. We've also taken the additional step of having passwords placed on all of our computers so that after five minutes of inactivity, you have to retyple the password to get onto the computer.

Also, if it's on a laptop, you're protected everywhere. Since the filter is not server-side, but right there on the computer, if you go to some other wireless network at some other location, the filter is still there.

My plan is that once I've set things up the way I need them, I'll have my wife change the administrator's password to something that I won't know about, which will protect me, in fulfillment of what Chazal say in Kesubos 13b that "אין אפוטרופוס לעריות," no one can trust himself when it comes to illicit matters.

Like I said before, it's very early on. We've only had the program for about 2 weeks now on our computers. But our oldest child is already nine and a half years old. And our three year old son is already getting proficent in how to use a computer. From our school's understandable perspective, they would prefer that families not have Internet in their homes at all. However, as that is not shiach for us due to my wife and my work, some solution is very very necessary to prevent a takala, a calamity in our home if our kids gain access or are exposed to some of the intensely bad stuff out there.

IY"H, I'll keep you posted on how it's going. But I am writing this to once again, make sure that this issue is front and center and hopefully others will take whatever steps they can to protect themselves and their children.

Feel free to contact me or comment with your experiences with any of these options or with any help or about any problems you are having with KleenWeb.

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of KleenWeb)

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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz on the Radio Tonight for Parenting Questions


Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz, a necessary voice in Chinuch today, is starting a weekly radio program where people can call in with parenting questions. The first program will be tonight, Thursday night, Chol Hamoed Sukkos from 10-11 PM Eastern time. You will be able to listen live to the program HERE or at 620 AM in the New York area.

UPDATE 10/17/08: You can now listen to this the mp3 of this show HERE.

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of RabbiHorowitz.com)

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Friday, October 10, 2008

Perils and Opportunities During Your Kids Vacation


THE GOLDEN CHINUCH OPPORTUNITIES OF BAIN HAZEMANIM
By
Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern


One of the most challenging times for families with children is bain hazemanim and during the school break. Children out of school tend get bored easily and are constantly getting on each other’s (and their parents’) nerves.


Although there are no universal solutions to have a happy, enjoyable and smooth-running bein hazemanim, the following advice can help parents to overcome the many challenges during this hectic period.


Rule # 1– PREPARE YOURSELF

Preparation is of utmost importance to a more pleasant bein hazemanim, and is no different than planning a vacation. Just as it is unthinkable to pack up a van with a week’s food and clothing and drive to a vacation resort area without knowing where you’re going to visit, sleep or spend your shabbos, you should not enter bein hazemanim without some kind of plan how you are going to keep your children occupied and out of trouble. After your plans are made, putting up a chart of the family’s daily activities and individual chores will help make things run smoother.

Rule # 2– KEEP YOUR CALM
I know that this is almost like asking the impossible, but parents must realize that outbursts of anger are the quickest and most efficient way to ruin the bein hazemanim atmosphere and lose the many benefits it has to offer. Besides the issur of kaas, which also applies when parents rebuke their children (Rambam Hilchos Dayos 2:3), anger often results in transgressing other aveiros that are detrimental to the parent-child relationship. An angry parent often acts irrationally on impulse and is liable to:
a. Say words that will hurt his child’s feelings. – In the presence of two other people it’s an aveira of “malbin pnei chaveiro be’rabim” – causing public embarrassment; and in private, it’s an issur of ona’as devarim – hurting another person with words.


b. Criticize his child. – Critical remarks are very painful even if they are true. Besides causing ona’as devarim, these remarks are destructive to the kesher between child and parent. (Think, how many critical remarks can you handle from your spouse? Even one per week is too much!)


c. Unnecessarily hit his child. – Hitting a child unnecessarily is prohibited as Rav Moshe Feinstein writes, “Hitting a child without a reason is not chinuch, and one transgresses a lav for each slap.” (Igros Moshe Even Ha’ezer, 4:68, cf Chinuch, Mitzva 595)
Similarly parents who punish a child out of revenge (nekama) or to get even with him for not obeying them, transgress the prohibition of taking revenge on a fellow Jew, (Alei Shur, vol. 1, p. 260)


Critical remarks and outbursts of anger wear down the love bond and kesher between children and their parents. Moreover, Rav Wolbe writes that screaming is worse than even mildly hitting a child because it causes him to shudder; and, when a child shudders, who knows what damage was done to his emotions and to the relationship with his parents as a result of this “shock” (Zeriya uvinyan bechinuch, p. 25).
(A complete discussion of the subject of anger will IY”H appear in a future series of articles.)

Rule # 3 – ASSIGN APPROPIATE JOBS TO EACH CHILD

The bein hazemanim of Sukos and Pesach are very hectic times. Besides the normal pressures of the numerous Yom Tov preparations, additional tensions are added when trying to get the children to assist their parents in these preparations. Rav Chaim Friedlander writes that included in the pasuk of chanoch lena'ar al pi darko, – educate a child according to his way – is assigning the proper household help that best suits their child’s ability. For example, children who are good organizers should assist in putting away groceries and helping to tidy up the home, girls usually make better babysitters and housecleaners, some children enjoy shopping while others enjoy helping their father in household repairs and building the sukah.
Much bein hazemanim tension would be relieved if children would be given household jobs that they enjoy doing.

Rule # 4– BE AWARE WHO AND WHAT YOUR CHILD PLAYS WITH

During Bein hazemanim parents must especially be on guard to supervise who their children play with and be aware which of the hi-tech electronic games and other devices that they may come in contact with. Even if your child is in a “safe friend’s” home, nevertheless, that friend may have some undesirable friends that you don’t want your child to associate with.
Additionally, your child should be trained that he can never view or play with any electronic game or device (including the latest cell phones & MP 4 players) without your prior haskama. Parents should never take for granted that any of these devices are safe without personally checking them out.

Rule # 5– GIVE YOUR CHILD “YOURSELF”

One of the most important goals of the bein hazemanim period is to strengthen the kesher between parents and their children. The fact that children are not pressured with their schoolwork and the times spent together with their parents, whether it’s with helping them or going on a family outing, makes bein hazemanim a most opportune time to accomplish this. Therefore, it is of utmost importance that parents make this quality time that they spend with their children as pleasant as possible.

An additional benefit gained by spending quality time with one’s children is preventing jealousy. There are times when parents cannot afford to send their children to a sleep away camp or take them on an expensive outing or vacation. This can cause their children to be envious of other families who can afford to have more luxurious vacations. However, parents can compensate for this by giving their child quality time. Moreover, under normal circumstances, if given the choice, many children would rather have a close and healthy relationship with their parents than materialistic pleasures.

A sad child once complained “I have all the luxuries a child would dream for – the latest toys, games and electronic devices, I go to a good school, have private tutors, and attend all kinds of after-school groups and clubs. However, he continues with teary eyes and a broken voice, there are two things that I don’t have – a father and mother. My father is always either on the phone, e-mail or on business trips and my mother is constantly busy with social events or at the beauty parlor.

Parents buy their children with themselves. Toys and games are cheap substitutes.
To prove this point, let’s say a family was awarded one seat in the business class on a trip to Eretz Yisrael. The parents turn to one of their children and offer him the seat explaining all the benefits and luxuries of the business class. However there’s one catch – being in business section means being separated from his parents for the entire trip. What will the child choose? I’m sure that he would rather be together with his parents than being alone in luxury.
Parents who claim that they don’t have the time to spend with their children, need only to look at their own daily schedule to see how much extra time they really have. They should realize that if they have time for all of their personal matters but can’t seem to find the time to spend with their children, it is a clear indication that their children’s needs do not rank high on their priority of values. Can you imagine how the child feels when he observes a parent chatting non-stop on the phone for a half hour, and doesn’t even have five minutes to focus on his child’s needs?

Rav Y. Yaakovson, one of the foremost advisors on problematic teenagers in Eretz Yisrael, once said, “If you don’t spend time with your child when he’s young, you’ll have to spend 10 times the amount of time when he’s older with child psychologists, therapists, and social workers – not to make up for lost time, but to get the child back on the right track.”
At the end of the day parents should ask themselves, “Have I made time for my child today?”

Since children favor a close relationship and kesher with their parents, even if parents can’t afford to send their children away to expensive sleep away camps or a lavish vacation, they have something more precious and valuable to offer – themselves.

THE GOAL – STRENGTHENING THE KESHER WITH YOUR CHILDREN

If parents would realize the tremendous benefits gained by spending quality time with their children they would spare no effort in finding time for them the entire year. However, if this is too difficult, then they should at least utilize the golden opportunity of bein hazemanim to devote time for their children.

Spending quality time with children is one of the key chinuch tools to create a strong kesher with them. This strong kesher can create a parent’s dream – foster more obedient children and eliminate many of the difficulties in discipline.

The following ideas can help foster the kesher:

• Do things together with your children, such as shopping, purchasing a lulav and esrog, organizing the home, preparing a meal, putting away groceries, caring for an infant.

· At the end of the day, take leisurely walks with your children. Hold their hand or put your arm around their shoulder and let them feel free to discuss their feelings. Most important – be a good listener and empathize with them.

· Plan a family outing or trip that suits your budget.


· Learn with your son. Make a regular learning seder with him even if it’s only 15 minutes a day after shacharis or between mincha and maariv. It’s vital that the learning should be a pleasant experience and something that your son should be looking forward to, therefore, choose something interesting and easy to study together. (Not all children are interested in Chazara and something new may be more appealing to him.)
Additionally, it is very important is to end the learning session with some encouraging words such how much you enjoyed learning with him, how well he knew the material, how proud you are of him etc.

· Whenever possible, take your child to davan together with you in shule. Hold his/her hand and put your arm around his/her shoulder during the walk. (Needless to say, a child should always be sitting next to his father in shule. As Rav Chaim Friedlander writes, children learn from their parents how to properly daven and how to behave in shule.

· Take some time out to play games with them.

· AND, MOST IMPORTANT – QUALITY TIME MEANS NO CELL PHONE OR PAGER. Leave them home or close them entirely including the vibrator.

By implementing the above ideas, bein hazemanim can be transformed into a more pleasurable time for both parents and children.

NOTE: The above advice is not only limited to bein hazemanim. Successful parenting depends on applying these principles the entire year. Hopefully, by giving a start bein hazemanim, parents will be able to start a pattern for the entire year.

Have a chag samayach and a meaningful bein hazemanim.

UPDATE (8:52 AM): CLICK HERE for another great article at Beyond BT by David Linn about Chol Hamoed opportunities with the family!

(Picture courtesy of Sukkah.com)

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Monday, September 22, 2008

Raising Children the Bilvavi Way- Ideas From the Author


I was zocheh to drive Rav Itamar Shwartz, the author of the Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh seforim, to his speaking engagements in Baltimore, Carteret and Ohr Someach Monsey during his recent trip to the U.S. At one point in the car, I asked him how he teaches his children how to get closer to Hashem and incorporate tefillah into every aspect of life, as he teaches us to do in his seforim.

He gave me a couple of examples of things that he does in order to slowly demonstrate to his children how Hashem should be made a part of everything one does. One example that he told me is that he is home in the afternoons several days per week when his children are still up. One thing he does with his children during that time is to sit with just one child at a time on the Mirpeset, porch, spending some quiet time together. As things naturally come up in the conversation between them, he slips in observations or questions that unobtrusively teach that one turns to Hashem for any given aspects of life.

At one point, he was talking with one of his daughters and he asked her if she remembers to say "Thank You" to Hashem for making her Jewish and giving her the mitzvos. She said that she doesn't. So he asked her if she wanted him to remind her about this from time to time. If she said yes, then he would. If she said no, then he wouldn't. She responded that she did.

As another example, he was recently talking to his son after Maariv on the first day of school for the year. He asked his son whether he davened to Hashem that he be matzliach (successful) in school this year. He answered that he had not. So Rav Shwartz told him that during his Maariv, he did shed a tear in davening that he would be successful in school. This way, even though other Rebbeim may not be teaching this way of life in school, his son is learning by example that this is the normal way of being.

The common denominator in his approach is that one should not force these ideas on his children heavy-handedly. He didn't go ahead and remind his daughter to say "Thank You" to Hashem without being asked to do so. The main thing is to work thoughts about the purpose of life and about incorporating davening into every part of life naturally and easy-goingly with one's children, so they will learn that these things are not even things that need to be "taught" per se, but that they will see that they are a natural and organic part of living as a Jew.

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of denisemarcotte.com)

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Thursday, July 17, 2008

If the Only Way We Can Sell Our children Torah is by Forbidding Everything Else, Then We are Bankrupt


Over Shabbos, I saw a quote from Rav Shlomo Freifeld in Rabbi Yisroel Besser's book, "Reb Shlomo," which captured so much that my rebbe has been teaching us as well. He said (paraphrasing) "If the only way we can sell our children Torah is by forbidding everything else, then we are bankrupt."

I read this to mean basically the following: While it would be foolish not to forbid clearly damaging things to our children like TV, movies and unfiltered internet, when our isurim get more and more dakusdik by overextending them to see potential dangers in almost anything in life, it begins to totally miss the point.

We cannot blame Lipa Schmeltzer (esp. starting at minute marker 11:00), gold-decorated women's shoes, or text messaging to explain why our children sometimes go off the derech. Before these things, along with TV, the internet and Lipa Shmeltzer concerts existed, kids went off the derech because of the haskala or Enlightenment, Reform, or any number of other movements throughout the years. Whereas before, different ideological and intellectual movements may have been attractive, now it's cheap entertainment that threatens by appearing more exciting than Torah. There is always going to be something that will be the kli to draw Jews away from Torah and mitzvos.

However, if we allow ourselves to get caught up in these problems which are merely the conduit through which our children sometimes go off, we are deluding ourselves as to the real problem. If the Yiddishkeit that we live and that we teach our children is not the most vibrant, joyful, exciting and meaningful thing for us in our lives, then almost any vanity of this world will seem more attractive by comparison. It is cruel and unusual punishment to our own and our children's neshamos if we try to correct the presence of text messaging in our midst but we don't correct the kind of messaging that is going on between ourselves and our Father in Heaven! As long as we ignore the internal problem within our own neshamos and our own homes, there will always be some temptation that will "take the children away from Yiddishkeit."

Rav Freifeld said that if we can only get our children to like Torah by fobidding everything else, we are bankrupt. What does it mean to be bankrupt. It means you have nothing! You're empty handed. If our Torah and Mitzvos are empty, then of course we cannot compete with anything of this world. It is a tragedy to blame outside forces when they are just the conduit through which our internal, spiritual problems express themselves. Let's not miss the point. Instead of focusing on outside threats, we must work on filling our spiritual bank accounts so that we can emerge from bankruptsy and live the kind of ruchnius-dikeh life that will make any of these ancillary external distractions pale in comparison to the beauty, happiness, fulfillment and joy in our own Yiddishkeit.

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of Shor Yoshuv)

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Friday, July 11, 2008

Achieving a Harmonious Shabbos Table - Final Article - Part 7


ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS SHABBOS TABLE

PRACTICAL ADVICE FOR CONDUCTING A FAMILY SHABBOS MEAL

Part 7

by Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

Reprinted from the booklet with permission by the author.

GIVING ATTENTION - Making it Work


NO MAGIC SOLUTIONS

Even after trying their utmost to implement the advice presented in this pamphlet, some parents may still have great difficulty creating a peaceful Shabbos meal. Often, with large families, there is never a dull moment. One child may be constantly teasing his sibling, while another is making a mess with the food and another is singing zemiros at the top of his lungs. Adding to the excitement are the infants, who constantly kvetch to be diapered or fed. When their Shabbos meal more closely resembles a Purim party, parents may feel hopeless and may just struggle to survive the meal in one piece.

Although there are no magic or instant solutions for successful child-raising, the following advice can help parents to better cope with the situation, relieve some of their frustration and be optimistic in achieving success.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

The first steps for parents to take is to change their attitude toward their children and have realistic expectations. Often, parents think that only their family is disorderly, making them nervous and stricter with their children. This outlook, however, does not work because children often do not respond to nervous and angry parents. Although they may obey their angry or forceful parents, children will not become mechunach by this method. As Rav Wolbe writes, anger and force are not chinuch (Alei Shur, Vol. 1, p. 261).

A lively Shabbos table is very common among families with children. Kids are kids, and some take longer to settle down and mature than others.
In addition, parents should never compare families or children. Just as some families have an easier time earning a livelihood, some also have an easier time raising their children. And just as one’s livelihood is in the hands of Hashem, so too is the amount of tzar gidul bonim—pain of child-raising—that each parent will experience. This is part of every person’s challenge in life, and is determined by Hashem.

When someone asked Rav Avigdor Miller for advice about coping with the difficulties in raising a bunch of noisy children, he replied, “Children are like apartment houses. When one tenant is screaming at the landlord to fix a leaky faucet, and another to repair a burnt wire in one fusebox, the landlord has only one thing in mind—the rent that he will collect at the end of the month. Children are the same—they are your olam haba; you will reap the reward for raising them in olam haba. Focus on this, and their noise will sound like beautiful music.”

PATIENCE

Patience is one of the key midos to focus on for success. As Rav Wolbe writes, “Only with limitless patience can parents educate their children” (Alei Shur, Vol. 2, p. 219).

Lack of patience is a cause of many problems in family relationships. The Rambam writes that people are influenced by the society in which they live (Hilchos Deos, 6:1). The mindset of today’s hi-tech, fast-food society is just the opposite of patience. The microwave and ready-made foods offer meals in minutes; computers and cell phones enable people to communicate across the globe in seconds. People become frustrated if, for some reason, the connection takes a few seconds longer than usual.

Likewise, when parents experience difficulties in child-raising, they seek instant solutions. They may read a child-raising book or listen to some tapes, expecting that they will receive the exact necessary advice for their problem. Sometimes general advice works, but in many instances it may not. Problems in child-raising are not like a headache or infection that can be automatically cured with painkillers or antibiotics. Each situation has many variables that depend on the child’s individual make-up, the parents’ capabilities, the existing parent-child relationship and numerous other factors. Realistically speaking, there would have to be tens of thousands of books on child-raising in order to cover every possible family situation. Parents must know how and when to apply child-raising principles to their individual situation, and patiently wait until their children absorb these principles and put them into practice.

There is an anecdote about a couple who were in the midst of a quarrel, when the husband suddenly excused himself for a moment and took out a book on shalom bayis. He remembered that the chapter dealing with quarreling discussed a similar scenario to the one he was having and gave instructions regarding what to say and do to resolve the dispute peacefully. He quickly memorized the guidelines, returned to his wife and started to repeat and act according to the book. To his surprise, the advice didn’t work.

Rav Wolbe once remarked that the purpose of general guidance is mainly to teach us not to do the wrong thing. Finding the proper way to handle any given situation involves many variables and often requires on-the-spot decisions. Even when couples seek counseling, their patience will be limited by their expectations of receiving a solution in one or two sessions. They often fail to realize that deep-rooted problems, especially the ones that exist for lengthy periods, need time to solve.
Indeed, relief is available for parents. They can observe families with older children, where Shabbos meals are quite orderly, keeping in mind that their own children also will eventually outgrow their childhood stages. Remember, as Rav Pam said, like good wine, children will improve with age given time and a good education. Keeping this in mind can be a ray of hope.

************

GRATITUDE

After all is said and done and there is still a balagan at the Shabbos table, parents should not forget one of the most important concepts in child-raising—Baruch Hashem, they have healthy children. A childless couple would do anything to have just one healthy child. Crying and kvetching would be music to their ears, and they would not be bothered by a disorderly house caused by their only child.
How much more grateful must parents be when Hashem rewards them with a bunch of happy, healthy children. Active children are a sign of a normal home, and parents must be extrememly grateful to Hashem for being blessed with a home full of vitality and vibrancy.

(Picture courtesy of Theodor Tolby at Chassidic Art)

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

Our Homes and Our Schools Can't Be "Rebbe Factories"


The above picture that I took while driving recently, with some help from an e-conversation with Neil from Modern Uberdox and Mentch Israel, reminded me neither we as parents nor our schools can be "Rebbe Factories," producing identical "perfect tzadik" children. Each child has different skills, talents, and personality traits that require a different approach. We and our schools need to be flexible enough to realize that Hashem may not have the same plans for what kind of Yiddin our children will become as we do. So we must constantly adapt according to His plans.

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of Me)

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Friday, July 4, 2008

Achieving a Harmonious Shabbos Table - Part 6 - Guest Post


ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS SHABBOS TABLE

PRACTICAL ADVICE FOR CONDUCTING A FAMILY SHABBOS MEAL

Part 6

by Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

Reprinted from the booklet with permission by the author.


Shabbos Guests

Shabbos guests can enhance the meal in many ways. First, they give children opportunities to practice the mitzvah of hachnasas orchim. Parents should teach their children that when a guest arrives, they should greet him warmly, make him feel at home and serve him something to eat or drink. Similarly, during the Shabbos meal, the children should serve the guest after the parents.

Throughout the meal, guests can greatly contribute to the Shabbos atmosphere by joining the zemiros, giving an inspirational d’var Torah and perhaps even giving the children some added attention that they may be lacking.

Although having guests can bring benefits to the Shabbos meal, parents must also be cautious of dangerous pitfalls that can harmfully affect their children’s chinuch and emotional development.

In general, parents tend to focus their attention on their guests, consequently minimizing the attention that they would normally give to their children. Undeliberately neglecting the children can manifest when the child says his d’var Torah and the parents are hardly listening to him or hurrying him to finish. It could also happen during the family conversation, when the adults are busy talking among themselves about topics of little or no interest to the children. Boredom and neglect can occur when the guests are strangers.

At times, parents may receive a call from a yeshiva or Bais Yaakov seminary that is holding a Shabbaton in their area and are looking for families to host the students. Other times, a local outreach organization may ask families to host some potential baalei teshuva for a meal to be mekarev them or have a positive influence on their lives. Although it is a tremendous chesed to have baalei teshuva as Shabbos guests, and the “Shabbos experience” at your home may make a lifetime impact on them, nevertheless, it should not be done at the childrens’ expense. A young child once remarked, “I would like to be a baal teshuva, a Russian or even a convert, because every time they get invited to our Shabbos meals, they are the center of attention!”
I have even experienced Shabbos tables of professional mechanchim, where the children were “seen but not heard” due to the parents’ constant involvement with their guests. Eventually, the children left the table in the middle of the meal and didn’t even return for benching with a zimun. I have also been at a Shabbos table of about 15 guests, where the older children were completely lost in the crowd (I didn’t even know that the couple had older children until the end of the meal). It is difficult to really know a child’s feelings in these situations. A child may be very resentful that outsiders are stealing his parent’s time and attention from him, especially if they show impatience when he wants to talk or say a d’var Torah, and they seem to have all the time in the world for the guests. Harboring resentment toward parents can cause a child to be rebellious in his adolescent years.

The proper way to conduct a Shabbos table with guests is to first give the children proper attention and have the guests observe how you conduct the meal. Ideally, parents should inform guests of this practice beforehand so they do not feel offended. The zemiros and divrei Torah shold be conducted as usual, and each child should be given ample time to contribute what he or she learned in school that week. After giving children their full attention, parents can then focus on the guests, without being concerned that they may feel left out. On the contrary, guests usually enjoy observing a Shabbos meal where the entire family is present and harmonious. Their “Shabbos experience” is further enhanced when they see how children honor and serve their parents—behavior rarely found in the secular world.

I heard about an interesting practice of an outreach professional, who solved the “problem” of Shabbos guests by first eating his regular meal with his family and then conducting another meal for prospective baalei teshuva. A good example was Rav Moshe Feinstein, who never neglected his obligations to his own children. His youngest son, Rav Reuven, was always seated next to his father at mealtime. Even though the children were taught that the needs of others came before their own, he always sat next to his father no matter how many guests were at their table (Reb Moshe, Artscroll, p. 163).

Another word of caution to parents: Be careful to whom you expose your children. Some people may be the type to criticize or speak lashon hara, use vulgar language or discuss subjects that you would not like your children to hear. (This commonly occurs with people who are first becoming observant and are still attached to their old lifestyle.)

Sometimes parents may feel obligated to have Shabbos guests because of a desire to do chesed. However, Rav Chaim Friedlander writes, just as there is a halacha that states that giving tzedakah to one’s closest relatives takes priority over giving to others, the same is true with the mitzvah of chesed – one’s family takes priority over others (Guide to Chasanim, p. 62). Parents should not do chesed with others if it detracts from their obligations to their children.

Rav Avraham Pam once remarked that when the townspeople of Brisk complained to the Brisker Rav that he wasn’t giving enough time to communal affairs, he replied that his first priority is to be mechanech his children.

ATTENDING A LONG KIDDUSH

Children may also feel neglected by parents who attend long kiddushes on Shabbos morning, keeping them waiting for parents to return before they can eat the meal. This scenario makes children feel that others are more important than they are, especially if the home meal is rushed on account of a late kiddush. In the event that parents must attend a long kiddush or aufruff, it may be wise to take their children with them.

There are two important halachos for parents to be aware of regarding keeping their family waiting for the Shabbos meal:

1. Children below bar and bas mitzvah age are permitted to eat before kiddush, because it is prohibited to cause them distress (Mishna Brura, 269:1; cf Sefer Chanoch Lenaar, ch. 16, footnote #3, which writes that this halacha also applies to the Friday night kiddush).Therefore, if they get hungry before the father comes home from shul, they should be allowed to eat.

2. Chazal relate that when Rav Zeira saw people engaged in Torah study on Shabbos, he would tell them, “Please do not degrade Shabbos.” Rashi explains that because of their Torah study, these people would neglect to enjoy Shabbos, which is considered chilul Shabbos (Mesechta Shabbos, 119a-b; Rashi s.v. “Mehader”). Similarly, this halacha applies to parents who delay their return from shul and keep their family waiting. Causing one’s family discomfort in waiting for the Shabbos meal is a form of chilul Shabbos.

(Picture courtesy of Shaarei Tzedek Windsor)

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Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Jewish Blogmeister Interviews Dixie Yid


Jewish Blogmeister has conducted an interview with me, which can now be seen at his site. In response to his questions (which appear below) I talked about such wide-ranging topics as why I became frum, what I've learned from having a Jewish blog, the role of how one dresses, and Chassidus. Here were his questions...

1)Dixie Yid, That's an interesting name are you from the South?

2) I noticed you have a lot of posts concerning hasidic themes as your blogs description, are you Breslov, Hasidic etc.?

3) What turned you on to the J Blogosphere

4) Some of your favorite bloggers are?

5) How long have you been blogging for?

6) What do you enjoy most about Chassidus?

7) What part of Chassidus do you dislike?

8) Tell us about how blogging has impacted your understanding of Judiasm.

9) If you could speak to any past rebbe which one would it be and why?

10) Your favorite sefer and why?

11) I understand you are a BT, originally coming from a Reform background. What and who inspired you to seek out Orthodox Judaism?

12) Do you believe that "you are what you wear" and if so does your colored shirt make you a colorful person?

13) What was the most difficult thing to take on as a religious orthodox Jew?


14) If you could give any advice to a potential BT what would it be?

Click on over to read!

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of TeachEng.us)

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Friday, June 27, 2008

Achieving a Harmonious Shabbos Table - Part 5 - Guest Post


ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS SHABBOS TABLE

PRACTICAL ADVICE FOR CONDUCTING A FAMILY SHABBOS MEAL

Part 5

by Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

Reprinted from the booklet with permission by the author.

Maintaining a Shabbos Atmosphere


Here are some of the vital areas that parents should focus on to preserve a Shabbos atmosphere during the meal. First and foremost, parents must role model these ideals for them to take effect.

SINGING ZEMIROS

Zemiros play a vital role in enhancing, beautifying and adding kedusha to the Shabbos seuda. When conducted properly, Shabbos zemiros give children something to anticipate each week, and their pleasant memories will remain with them for a lifetime.

The minhag of singing zemiros at the Shabbos table is sourced in Chazal: “Rava said, on Shabbos, the Jews eat, drink and say Torah and praises [to Hashem] (Mesechta Megilla, 12b).

The Sefer Chasidim(#271) adds that it is a mitzva to sing zemiros at the Shabbos table, as it is written, “מזמור שיר ליום השבת, טוב להודות לה' ולזמר לשמך עליון” (A song for the Shabbos Day. It is good to thank Hashem and sing praise to Your name. Tehillim 92:1-2).

Rav Yaakov Emden gives another profound insight to zemiros. He writes that the words of the zemiros are taken from psukim in Tanach, halachos and aggados of Shas, the Zohar and Midrash that speak about Shabbos. When we sing zemiros, Hashem listens to them and benefits the world with His goodness (Siddur Bais Yaakov, introduction to zemiros Shabbos).

Unfortunately, there are homes where zemiros are hardly sung, and once the family finally does start to sing, there is such a lack of harmony that the children lose interest in them. Rav Yissacher Frand was once on the way to give a shiur to a group of married men when an elderly European Jew approached him and said, “Zug der yungerleit, az a mohl hoben mir gezungen zemiros oif der Shabbos tish” (Tell these young men that we used to sing zemiros at the Shabbos table).

There’s a popular story about a famous rosh yeshiva who, after his wife died, arranged for a chasid come to his house each Shabbos to assist him during the meal. Once, the chasid brought one of his young sons to help him. Upon noticing the boy’s midos tovos and yiras shamayim, the rosh yeshiva remarked to the father, “You are probably wondering why your son became what he is, as opposed to mine who did not turn out to be what I expected of him. The answer is, when you were singing zemiros, I was learning the Rambam!”

SUPERVISING THE CONVERSATION

Parental supervision of the family conversation during the meal is necessary to maintain a proper Shabbos atmosphere. Parents should avoid speaking about a child’s school, teacher or friend, as these subjects often lead to lashon hara. If a child has a particular problem in any of these areas, parents should encourage him to discuss it privately with them. Children should also be taught not to ask their siblings, “How do you like your rebbi, teacher or school?” Questions like this only invite trouble because any derogatory answer is lashon hara. Similary, speaking about family relatives can evoke a deragatory remark such as, “He/she is always grouchy, nervous, selfish, etc.”

Parents must also be on guard if someone asks, “How was the rabbi’s drasha?” The answer should always be positive. Any negative comment, whether about the content or the presentation, constitutes lashon hara. Examples include, “Today, the drasha was boring,” “You can tell that he wasn’t prepared,” or “It was so-so.”

Certainly, the Shabbos table should not be a forum to express individual opinions about yeshivos, roshei yeshivos or other religious circles or groups, such as Litvish, Chasidic or Sephardic. These useless discussions lead to one of the most severe types of lashon hara—speaking about a multitude of people (rabim) or a talmid chacham.

Another type of forbidden conversation that often enters the Shabbos table discussion is speaking about business or other things prohibited to do on Shabbos. (The halachos of prohibited speech on Shabbos are discussed in Shulchan Aruch O.C. #306-7). The severity of this halacha is clearly indicated by the Pele Yoetz, who writes that speaking divrei chol—weekday subjects—on Shabbos is also chilul Shabbos—desecrating the Shabbos. Some examples are:
• “That’s a nice suit (or shaitel)you have. Where did you get it?”
• “How much did you pay for that shirt?”
• “My watch stopped again. Where can I get it repaired?”
• “I have to get a haircut this week.”
• “I have to call my friend tonight.”

SECULAR LITERATURE

Secular newspapers, magazines and novels have no place in a Jewish home. (This subject is discussed in my CD, “Motivation—Key to a Successful Chinuch.”) In the event that they somehow find their way into the home, parents should not allow them to come to the holy Shabbos table. Rav E. Shach once remarked that secular newspapers are “muktza machmas miyus”—muktza because they are disgusting.

ENJOYING SHABBOS—MAYAIN OLAM HABA

Chazal describe oneg Shabbos—the pleasure of Shabbos—as “mayain olam haba,” a resemblance of the pleasure in the afterlife (Mesechta Brachos, 57b).
Parents should reflect this feeling, which comes from enjoying eating, drinking and sleeping, throughout Shabbos.

The table should be adorned with delicious foods, salads and drinks within each family’s financial means. Through words and gestures, parents should express the feeling that the food is mayain olam haba. There is also a minhag to say, “Lekavod Shabbos Kodesh,” before eating to honor the Shabbos meal.

Parents cannot express oneg Shabbos properly if they overeat and show signs of indigestion or heartburn. The Shelah Hakadosh explains that the mitzva of oneg Shabbos is specifically to enjoy Shabbos and not oneself. Therefore, he writes, overeating, feeling ill from the excess food and then falling asleep from exhaustion is self-gratification (oneg atzmo) and not oneg Shabbos (Commentary to Mesechta Shabbos s.v. “Vekarasa).

(Picture courtesy of Yitzchak ben Yehuda)

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