Parshas Lech Lecha - Our Avos Teach Us Proper Communication

PARSHAS LECH LECHA - OUR AVOS TEACH US PROPER COMMUNICATION

Part one

By Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

The narrative stories about our forefathers are replete with lessons in derech eretz – proper conduct with others. Perhaps one reason why the Torah devoted the entire Chumash Bereishis to these events prior to the giving of the mitzvos is to teach us the important lesson “Derech eretz kadma laTorah” – receiving and studying the Torah must and be prefaced by (acting with) derech eretz (cf Midrash Rabba Vayikra 9:3, Torah Shelaima ,Bereishis,3:24 #242)

This week’s parsha begins with Hashem telling Avraham Avinu to leave his homeland and go to Eretz Cana'an where he would be blessed and become a great nation. However, when he settled there, he finds himself being forced to go to Egypt because of a famine. Upon approaching Egypt, he realizes that if the corrupt Egyptians would discover that Sarah is his wife, he will be murdered. He therefore had to make it quite clear to her that she mustn't slip when being asked her identity.

How would we instruct our wives under such conditions? Imagine someone trying to smuggle merchandise out of a country. As he approaches the border he would probably order his family members, "In case you are asked any questions by customs make sure you say that you have nothing to declare, for if not, who knows what they will do to us?" Similarly we would expect Avraham to command Sarah “In case the Egyptians ask us any questions, make sure you tell them that you’re my sister or else they’ll kill me!” Nevertheless Avraham did not forget about derech eretz when making his request. He said, "Imri na…" – "Please say…"

An important lesson learned from this is to say please when requesting, in other words, don’t be bossy, even when making a simple request to your spouse, child or colleague. For example, use phrases like, “Can you please pass the salt?”, or “Can you please bring in the mail?” Rav Avraham Pam once remarked that courtship should not end with marriage. Couples should continue to speak politely to each other just like when they were dating, by saying “please” and “thank you,” and by being appreciative. He further added that if couples would only keep ten percent of this politeness, it would make a world of difference to their shalom bayis. Rav Aharon Feldman further explains this concept in his book The River, the Kettle and the Bird (p.37), by saying “please” and “thank you” you express respect and concern towards your spouse’s feelings by not taking them for granted.

The Netziv (Ha’emek Davar, Breishis 12:13,) points out another important lesson in communication from Avraham Avinu. In the above scenario, we would expect him to tell Sara, “Please tell them that I'm your brother, or else they will kill me!” in order to save his own life. But instead, Avraham said, “Imri na achosi at… va'avuraich,” – please say that you are my sister… for your benefit, “Ve’choisa nafshee bi’glalaich” – and that I may live for you, meaning, if they kill me who would care for you? There is no doubt in our minds that Sarah would have kept their marriage a secret in order to save her husband’s life. Nevertheless, not only did Avraham request this of Sarah, but he also felt it important to explain the benefits to her so that psychologically she would feel even better about doing it.

We learn another important lesson from this. When requesting that another person do something for you, whenever possible, try to explain why it is also beneficial for him.

Some examples:

• When asking one’s spouse for some household help, try to explain how beneficial the help would be for the family. For instance, “Your assistance is greatly needed by the family because I simply do not have the energy to do it,” or “I am overwhelmed with work now, perhaps you do a chesed and can give me a hand,” or “I think that you can do a better job on this than I can.”

• When asking a child to purchase something in the grocery store, or to tidy up his room. The mitzva of kibud av va’eim – honoring and obeying one’s parents – certainly is reason enough for the child to listen. However, in light of Avraham’s example, the parent should add something that will make the child feel good about doing the chore, such as for “Buying food for the family is a tremendous chesed which the whole family appreciates” or “ When you tidy up your room, besides the chesed you’re doing for the family in keeping a neat home, you’re also training yourself in the mida of neatness & being orderly” (nekiyus and seder, both mentioned in Rav Yisroel Salanter’s list of 13 prime midos).

Avraham Avinu’s lesson is just one of the many examples of the numerous Middos that can be learned from the stories of our Avos.

(More examples will be given in Parshas Vayaitzai.)

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of nys school for the blind)

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NOACH – HIS ARK AND HIS MISSION by Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

NOACH – HIS ARK AND HIS MISSION

By Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

I – Noach’s Ark

The ark of Noach was one of the most remarkable phenomena of mankind. At 60 cm. per amah, its dimensions were 600 x l00 x 60 ft., of which only a third housed all the animals, birds and insects. This area was divided into individual compartments to house approximately 25,000 species of birds, 46,000 species of animals and 850,000 species of insects. Including both male and female, the ark housed over 142,000 animals and birds, plus 1,700,000 insects contained in more than 900,000 individual compartments! The Ramban (Breishis 6:19) writes that since even ten arks could not contain this enormous amount of species together with provisions needed for one year, it was a miracle that this “small” ark could contain so much.

1,092 ft. (331 m) - Noach’s ark is almost ½ the size of an aircraft carrier.

Regarding the dinosaurs, the Malbim (ibid 7:23) comments that they perished during the mabul, and their bodies sunk into the depths of the earth, which opened to release the boiling hot waters. The chemistry of their bones and the entire earth was also affected by the intense heat, thus giving them the appearance of being older than they really were. Perhaps the reason for their exclusion from the ark was not only because of their size, but to leave room for error serving to test mankind’s free will whether to believe in the Creator or in the theory of evolution (cf Rashi Shemos 13:2 s.v. Lifnei). The Zohar, (Parshas Noach 62a), relates that Rav Chiya and Rav Yehuda discovered some human bones remaining from the giants who perished in the mabul. One bone took 300 paces to go from end to end, i.e. it was longer than 100 meters! Their entire height was therefore much more than 100 meters making the dinosaurs dwarfs compared to them!

What happened to the ark after the mabul? Josephus writes that it still existed in his time and was shown by the inhabitants of the country where it remained. In the 12th century, the Jewish traveler Binyomin of Tudella reported that one of the Arab rulers built a mosque with the boards of the ark, and on Tisha B’Av the Jews assembled there to pray. Sefer Yuchsin records that the resting site of the ark is still visited and sick people pray there to be healed (quoted in Artscroll Breishis, fn to p.265).

II – Noach’s Mission

Needless to say, caring for this super-size zoo with each animal’s individual needs and feeding schedule was a 24/7 job requiring super human energy, especially with only eight people to do the job. Chazal write that Noach and his family did not sleep during the entire year that they were in the ark, and that this strenuous exertion caused Noach to groan and spit blood. Additionally, when he delayed in bringing food to the lion, the lion bit and maimed him causing him to limp (Midrash Tanchuma 9 cited in Rashi 7:23). Since no other occurrence is recorded of Noach’s negligence, we can assume that this was the only incident of neglect during the entire non-stop feeding schedule in the ark. The obvious question arises: Why was Noach punished for this seemingly minor oversight? A simple explanation is that since the lion and its mate were the only lions left in the world, Noach had to do his utmost to ensure their survival; since if any animal in the ark would die, it would become extinct. Noach was reminded of this by the lion’s bite.

However, by examining Noach’s mission and tikun that he had to accomplish both for himself and for mankind, which was perfection in the mida of chesed, we get a deeper insight into the purpose of the lion’s bite.

Rashi (6:11), quoting Chazal, explains that the dor Hamabul was corrupt with immorality and idolatry. Nevertheless their punishment of annihilation was decreed because of robbery (V. 13). The Ramban explains that this sin is more severe because it is a rational commandment (mitzvah sichli), and a transgression against Hashem and man (bein odom l’Makom and l’chaveiro). They were so corrupt and insensitive to another’s feelings that the entire generation stole from one another (Gur Arye). Rav E. Dessler (Michtav M’Eliyahu vol. p.155) writes that the source of this evil mida comes from the koach hanetilla – each person’s innate desire to take and benefit from another. The Zohar comments that even Noach was guilty of this because he did not properly rebuke or pray on behalf of his generation to try and save them from their punishment. This is why the flood is termed “mai Noach” – the waters of Noach. It is attributed to him because once he was assured of his own survival; he did not seek mercy for the world (quoted in Artscroll Bereishis pp.203,327, and explained in Sichos Mussar, Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz #7). This is termed in Yiddish as “a tzaddik in peltz,” – a tzaddik in a warm fur coat. There are two ways to warm oneself in a cold room: either one can build a fire which benefits everyone present, or put on a fur coat, keeping oneself warm while the others remain cold.)

The destruction of the world was due to robbery motivated by egoism. To become builders of the world, Noach and his family had to cultivate within themselves the traits of chesed, kindness and mercy, i.e. selfless giving – the opposite of selfishness. This was accomplished by tending to all the animals on a continuous round-the-clock schedule for an entire year. The slightest laxity in Noach’s performance of the mitzvah of chesed would create a flaw in the tikun that he had to accomplish while in the ark. His limp, a physical defect (mum), was symbolic of the slight imperfection that was created in the mida of chesed caused by his lateness.

Two important lessons can be learned from the above. Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz (ibid.) stresses the importance of feeling and davening for another person in distress. He notes that even though there were lacking ten righteous people necessary to save the world, nevertheless their plight and fate of destruction should have evoked a feeling of pain, causing Noach at least to pray for them. The fact that he didn’t daven or try to rebuke them was indicative that he felt no sorrow for his generation. When our fellow Jew is in distress, it is our duty to feel his plight and daven for him.

During my kollel years in the Mirrer Yeshiva, there was a period when some avreichim became seriously ill. Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz, struggling in his own failing health, would enter the Bais Hamedrash fifteen minutes before the end of first seder, to address the yeshiva. In his broken voice, he would quote the above Zohar on “mai Noach” and speak about our obligation to daven for their recovery. This was followed by an inspiring recitation of Tehillim by the entire yeshiva.

Another important lesson derived from Noach is how to properly perform the mitzvah of chesed. At times, we tend to either get a bit lazy when giving a helping hand to someone in need, or may refrain altogether from doing chesed out of tiredness of a feeling that we have already fulfilled our share of chesed for that day or week. It is quite obvious that Noach’s continuous and indefatigable acts of chesed performed during his entire stay in the ark will never again be equaled in the annals on history. Nevertheless, he was chastised for a lone incident of being late in feeding the lion. Hashem knew that even under such extenuating circumstances, Noach was able to be the perfect worker, especially when his mission was to make a tikun for the entire world, including himself. Hashem therefore sent him a message reminding him to utilize his full potential.

We should ask and examine ourselves: Are we utilizing our full potential in helping our fellow Jews in need? Are we at least davening for the health and welfare of the sick and disabled and for those that we are physically unable to help?

Note: The obligations towards one’s family (spouse and children) take preference over chesed done out of the home, similar to the laws of tzedaka, where the closest of kin are helped before others. Therefore, parents should not engage in excess chesed activities outside the home until they meet their respective obligations towards their family (Rav Chaim Friedlander, Guide to Chassanim, siyum).

(Picture courtesy of mardiros.am & johnweeks)

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Time With Kids Is Money - Great Video

I received this video from Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern by e-mail. It's defintiely worth sharing and relates to a post that I put up recently quite poiniently. It's a dramitization of a famous story that's gone around where a kid keeps asking his busy father how much money he makes, but the father never has enough time to talk to him. In the end, he finally answers his son, telling him how much he makes. Then the child takes out some money that he saved up and asks him if he could spend half an hour with him if he paid him the money(!)...

Enjoy, learn, and share...

-Dixie Yid

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Perils and Opportunities During Your Kids Vacation

THE GOLDEN CHINUCH OPPORTUNITIES OF BAIN HAZEMANIM
By
Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

One of the most challenging times for families with children is bain hazemanim and during the school break. Children out of school tend get bored easily and are constantly getting on each other’s (and their parents’) nerves.

Although there are no universal solutions to have a happy, enjoyable and smooth-running bein hazemanim, the following advice can help parents to overcome the many challenges during this hectic period.


Rule # 1– PREPARE YOURSELF

Preparation is of utmost importance to a more pleasant bein hazemanim, and is no different than planning a vacation. Just as it is unthinkable to pack up a van with a week’s food and clothing and drive to a vacation resort area without knowing where you’re going to visit, sleep or spend your shabbos, you should not enter bein hazemanim without some kind of plan how you are going to keep your children occupied and out of trouble. After your plans are made, putting up a chart of the family’s daily activities and individual chores will help make things run smoother.

Rule # 2– KEEP YOUR CALM
I know that this is almost like asking the impossible, but parents must realize that outbursts of anger are the quickest and most efficient way to ruin the bein hazemanim atmosphere and lose the many benefits it has to offer. Besides the issur of kaas, which also applies when parents rebuke their children (Rambam Hilchos Dayos 2:3), anger often results in transgressing other aveiros that are detrimental to the parent-child relationship. An angry parent often acts irrationally on impulse and is liable to:
a. Say words that will hurt his child’s feelings. – In the presence of two other people it’s an aveira of “malbin pnei chaveiro be’rabim” – causing public embarrassment; and in private, it’s an issur of ona’as devarim – hurting another person with words.

b. Criticize his child. – Critical remarks are very painful even if they are true. Besides causing ona’as devarim, these remarks are destructive to the kesher between child and parent. (Think, how many critical remarks can you handle from your spouse? Even one per week is too much!)

c. Unnecessarily hit his child. – Hitting a child unnecessarily is prohibited as Rav Moshe Feinstein writes, “Hitting a child without a reason is not chinuch, and one transgresses a lav for each slap.” (Igros Moshe Even Ha’ezer, 4:68, cf Chinuch, Mitzva 595)
Similarly parents who punish a child out of revenge (nekama) or to get even with him for not obeying them, transgress the prohibition of taking revenge on a fellow Jew, (Alei Shur, vol. 1, p. 260)

Critical remarks and outbursts of anger wear down the love bond and kesher between children and their parents. Moreover, Rav Wolbe writes that screaming is worse than even mildly hitting a child because it causes him to shudder; and, when a child shudders, who knows what damage was done to his emotions and to the relationship with his parents as a result of this “shock” (Zeriya uvinyan bechinuch, p. 25).
(A complete discussion of the subject of anger will IY”H appear in a future series of articles.)

Rule # 3 – ASSIGN APPROPIATE JOBS TO EACH CHILD

The bein hazemanim of Sukos and Pesach are very hectic times. Besides the normal pressures of the numerous Yom Tov preparations, additional tensions are added when trying to get the children to assist their parents in these preparations. Rav Chaim Friedlander writes that included in the pasuk of chanoch lena'ar al pi darko, – educate a child according to his way – is assigning the proper household help that best suits their child’s ability. For example, children who are good organizers should assist in putting away groceries and helping to tidy up the home, girls usually make better babysitters and housecleaners, some children enjoy shopping while others enjoy helping their father in household repairs and building the sukah.
Much bein hazemanim tension would be relieved if children would be given household jobs that they enjoy doing.

Rule # 4– BE AWARE WHO AND WHAT YOUR CHILD PLAYS WITH

During Bein hazemanim parents must especially be on guard to supervise who their children play with and be aware which of the hi-tech electronic games and other devices that they may come in contact with. Even if your child is in a “safe friend’s” home, nevertheless, that friend may have some undesirable friends that you don’t want your child to associate with.
Additionally, your child should be trained that he can never view or play with any electronic game or device (including the latest cell phones & MP 4 players) without your prior haskama. Parents should never take for granted that any of these devices are safe without personally checking them out.

Rule # 5– GIVE YOUR CHILD “YOURSELF”

One of the most important goals of the bein hazemanim period is to strengthen the kesher between parents and their children. The fact that children are not pressured with their schoolwork and the times spent together with their parents, whether it’s with helping them or going on a family outing, makes bein hazemanim a most opportune time to accomplish this. Therefore, it is of utmost importance that parents make this quality time that they spend with their children as pleasant as possible.

An additional benefit gained by spending quality time with one’s children is preventing jealousy. There are times when parents cannot afford to send their children to a sleep away camp or take them on an expensive outing or vacation. This can cause their children to be envious of other families who can afford to have more luxurious vacations. However, parents can compensate for this by giving their child quality time. Moreover, under normal circumstances, if given the choice, many children would rather have a close and healthy relationship with their parents than materialistic pleasures.

A sad child once complained “I have all the luxuries a child would dream for – the latest toys, games and electronic devices, I go to a good school, have private tutors, and attend all kinds of after-school groups and clubs. However, he continues with teary eyes and a broken voice, there are two things that I don’t have – a father and mother. My father is always either on the phone, e-mail or on business trips and my mother is constantly busy with social events or at the beauty parlor.

Parents buy their children with themselves. Toys and games are cheap substitutes.
To prove this point, let’s say a family was awarded one seat in the business class on a trip to Eretz Yisrael. The parents turn to one of their children and offer him the seat explaining all the benefits and luxuries of the business class. However there’s one catch – being in business section means being separated from his parents for the entire trip. What will the child choose? I’m sure that he would rather be together with his parents than being alone in luxury.
Parents who claim that they don’t have the time to spend with their children, need only to look at their own daily schedule to see how much extra time they really have. They should realize that if they have time for all of their personal matters but can’t seem to find the time to spend with their children, it is a clear indication that their children’s needs do not rank high on their priority of values. Can you imagine how the child feels when he observes a parent chatting non-stop on the phone for a half hour, and doesn’t even have five minutes to focus on his child’s needs?

Rav Y. Yaakovson, one of the foremost advisors on problematic teenagers in Eretz Yisrael, once said, “If you don’t spend time with your child when he’s young, you’ll have to spend 10 times the amount of time when he’s older with child psychologists, therapists, and social workers – not to make up for lost time, but to get the child back on the right track.”
At the end of the day parents should ask themselves, “Have I made time for my child today?”

Since children favor a close relationship and kesher with their parents, even if parents can’t afford to send their children away to expensive sleep away camps or a lavish vacation, they have something more precious and valuable to offer – themselves.

THE GOAL – STRENGTHENING THE KESHER WITH YOUR CHILDREN

If parents would realize the tremendous benefits gained by spending quality time with their children they would spare no effort in finding time for them the entire year. However, if this is too difficult, then they should at least utilize the golden opportunity of bein hazemanim to devote time for their children.

Spending quality time with children is one of the key chinuch tools to create a strong kesher with them. This strong kesher can create a parent’s dream – foster more obedient children and eliminate many of the difficulties in discipline.

The following ideas can help foster the kesher:

• Do things together with your children, such as shopping, purchasing a lulav and esrog, organizing the home, preparing a meal, putting away groceries, caring for an infant.

· At the end of the day, take leisurely walks with your children. Hold their hand or put your arm around their shoulder and let them feel free to discuss their feelings. Most important – be a good listener and empathize with them.

· Plan a family outing or trip that suits your budget.

· Learn with your son. Make a regular learning seder with him even if it’s only 15 minutes a day after shacharis or between mincha and maariv. It’s vital that the learning should be a pleasant experience and something that your son should be looking forward to, therefore, choose something interesting and easy to study together. (Not all children are interested in Chazara and something new may be more appealing to him.)
Additionally, it is very important is to end the learning session with some encouraging words such how much you enjoyed learning with him, how well he knew the material, how proud you are of him etc.

· Whenever possible, take your child to davan together with you in shule. Hold his/her hand and put your arm around his/her shoulder during the walk. (Needless to say, a child should always be sitting next to his father in shule. As Rav Chaim Friedlander writes, children learn from their parents how to properly daven and how to behave in shule.

· Take some time out to play games with them.

· AND, MOST IMPORTANT – QUALITY TIME MEANS NO CELL PHONE OR PAGER. Leave them home or close them entirely including the vibrator.

By implementing the above ideas, bein hazemanim can be transformed into a more pleasurable time for both parents and children.

NOTE: The above advice is not only limited to bein hazemanim. Successful parenting depends on applying these principles the entire year. Hopefully, by giving a start bein hazemanim, parents will be able to start a pattern for the entire year.

Have a chag samayach and a meaningful bein hazemanim.

UPDATE (8:52 AM): CLICK HERE for another great article at Beyond BT by David Linn about Chol Hamoed opportunities with the family!

(Picture courtesy of Sukkah.com)

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Acquiring Favorable Judgment - For Shabbos Shuva

Acquiring a Favorable Judgment on Yom HaDin
By Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern
(Reprinted from the booklet with permission by the author.)

The Chofetz Chaim writes (Chovas Hashmira, Ch. 6 in f.n.) that we say in Avinu Malkeinu, “Se’som piyos mas’tineinu u’mekatregeinu”– seal the mouths of our adversaries and accusers. This can be accomplished by working on the mida of exercising restraint (ma’avir al midosov) and sealing our own mouths from causing unnecessary quarrels. By doing this, Hashem will then reciprocate – mida keneged mida – and seal the mouths of the prosecuting malachim.

Chazal write “Hama’avir al midosov, ma’avirim lo al kol p’sha’av – one who does not react negatively to another who has distressed him will have his aveiros overlooked (by bais din shel ma’ala – Rosh Hashona 17a, Rashi ad loc). This doesn’t mean that his aveiros are pardoned, but that the bais din will temporarily disregard them during the judgment. This is comparable to our judiciary system, in which a judge can postpone the trial, temporarily suspend the judgment or dismiss the case until a future date at his discretion. Bais Din Shel Ma’ala’s discretion is based on how much a person restrained himself when being hurt or wronged by another. (“Malchusa d’ara ke’ain malchusa de’rakia”– the earthly kingdom, referring to the judiciary system, is similar to the heavenly one (Brachos 58a).

During our numerous daily interactions with our family, neighbors, friends, shopkeepers, clerks, etc., we are sometimes irritated by:

• another person sharply criticizing or embarrassing us
• a child soiling our clothing
• our spouse not being on time or not doing an errand or task that we requested
• a careless passer-by inadvertently bumping into us or stepping on our shoes
• a family member disturbing our sleep
• a neighbor being late to return a borrowed item or returning it slightly damaged.

Even though the other person may be at fault, nevertheless, if one exercises restraint from getting angry and excited, i.e., he is ma’avir al midosov, then the Bais Din Shel Ma’ala will likewise refrain from examining his aveiros.

Chazal relate (Ibid.) that when Rav Huna took ill, he was visited by Rav Papa, who found him in a near death state (goses) and ordered tachrichim (shrouds) to be made. Rav Huna surprisingly recovered and told Rav Papa that even though it was decreed in heaven that he should die, nevertheless, it was revoked because he was a person who was ma’avir al midosov. Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz comments that this mida has the power to change even a death sentence that was already passed on a person!( Sichos Mussar- Shaarei Chaim #100, p. 422 )

The following story, told by Rav Yitzchok Zilberstien, illustrates this.
For months, Yanki had been preparing to read his bar mitzvah parsha. However, when his family came to shul on the Shabbos morning of his bar mitzva, they were surprised to see that there was another bar mitzva boy with his family who also prepared to read the parsha. It seems that the gabbai mistakenly scheduled two bar mitzvahs for the same Shabbos. Realizing that it was an impossibility to relocate one of the bar mitzvahs to another shul, the gabbai tried to negotiate with the families to see if one would be willing to forego their son’s Torah reading. However, both families adamantly refused to concede. Finally, Yanki’s parents consented that the other boy should read the Torah, and the davening proceeded.

A few years later, Yanki’s mother was rushed to the hospital on erev Shabbos with unusual chest pains accompanied by her family to stay with her over Shabbos. In the emergency room she was diagnosed with a complex heart condition that required complicated surgery. After hearing the diagnosis, the shocked family sought some advice as to how to proceed. Suddenly, in the middle of their discussion, an old rabbi was admitted to the emergency room, accompanied by a group of people. A few minutes later, the family found out that the rabbi was none other than the world-renowned posek, Rav Yosef Shalom Eliyashav. The rav was rushed to the hospital because he was also experiencing chest pains and, although the pains were diagnosed as nothing serious, the doctors preferred that he remain over Shabbos for observation.

When Yanki learned that Rav Eliyashav was to remain in the hospital over Shabbos, he realized that he found the perfect person to advise him about his mother. The only obstacle that remained was how to approach the Rav, who was surrounded by his family to ensure that he get as much rest as possible.

A brainstorm suddenly entered his mind. He went over to one of the family members and told him that if they need a baal korei, he was ready to read the sidra for them. He explained that this was the Shabbos of his bar mitzva, and that he still remembers the sidra quite well. The family immediately agreed, and Yanki reasoned that once he would be in the Rav’s minyan, he could quickly ask the shaila about his mother.

Following the davening, Rav Eliyashav went over to personally thank Yanki for the excellent job that he did reading the sidra. Yanki then seized the golden opportunity to ask about his mother. The Rav listened intently and advised him to proceed with the surgery, and added his blessings for a complete recovery.

The following week, Yanki’s mother had the operation and eventually made a complete recovery from her ailment.

Rav Zilberstien comments that it was no coincidence that Yanki’s mother “happened” to be hospitalized on the same Shabbos as Rav Eliyashav, that it also happened to occur on Yanki’s bar mitzvah parsha, and as a result, Yanki was able to get Rav Eliyashav’s advice and blessings, which eventually saved his mother’s life. Hashem was sending them a clear message: Because Yanki’s family was mevater (conceded) at his bar mitzvah, exercising the mida of maavir al midosav, Hashem was also maavir al midosav and gave his mother a new lease on life.

A similar story is told of a dispute that took place on the night of Rosh Hashana. Avraham was sitting in shul waiting for maariv to start, when Shimon tapped him on his shoulder and said, “Excuse me, but I believe that you’re sitting in my place.” When Avraham reached in his pocket and pulled out a card showing that he purchased the place that he was sitting, Shimon also showed him a card with the identical place printed on it. They both went to the gabbai to verify whose place it really was. When he took out the seating plan, the gabbai realized that he made a mistake of selling the same place to both people.

At first, the gabbai tried to negotiate by requesting that either Avraham or Shimon should relocate to another place. However, each of them refused to change, claiming that they had chosen that particular place because it was centrally located. The gabbai managed to find an alternate place, which was vacated that evening by someone who was davening elsewhere for maariv, and then told the two men that he hoped to find a better solution by the morning. Shimon was happy with the temporary arrangement, changed his seat, and the davening proceeded.

That night, Avraham had a dream in which he found himself on a desolate road. Not knowing what to do, he started walking down the road, when he saw a big black truck with a driver dressed in black heading in his direction. He stopped the truck and asked the driver if he could hitch a ride with him. The driver replied, “This truck is carrying your aveiros. I’m sure that you don’t want to go on it.” Puzzled, Avraham agreed and continued walking. Shortly afterwards, he saw another black truck passing by and motioned for it to stop. When the driver, who was also dressed in black, asked him what he wanted, Avraham replied, “A ride to the nearest town.” The driver likewise told him that this was a truck of his aveiros and proceeded without Avraham. The same incident repeated itself a few times, and Avraham was beginning to get a bit nervous about what was going on. Then, another vehicle approached, and this time it was a person dressed in white driving a small white motorcycle with a small box on the back. When Avraham asked the driver who he was and where he was going, the driver replied, “I’m taking all your mitzvos to the Bais Din. Would you like a ride?” Avraham now became more nervous and agreed to hop on the back seat.

They arrived in front of a large building with a sign “Beis Din Shel Ma’ala” written on it. Avraham saw the truck drivers unloading the boxes of aveiros from the trucks. When he entered the building, he saw the court angels putting the boxes of aveiros on one side of a huge balance scale. One box was labeled with the aveiros of "lashon hara," other boxes were labeled with "not properly concentrating when davening or saying brachos, eating food without a proper hechsher," etc. When the angels finished loading the scale, the aveira side was heavily weighed down to the floor. Avraham stood stupefied as realized that he was now being judged by the Beis Din Shel Ma’ala for the forthcoming year.

When the heavenly judge called for the mitzvos to enter the courtroom, the driver of the scooter entered carrying the small box of mitzvos and placed it on the other side of the scale. However, it was like a feather trying to tip a scale of boulders, and it seemed apparent that Avraham had no chance to receive a zakai verdict for the forthcoming year. The judge then announced “Is there anyone who could find any more mitzvos or merits?” There was silence as no more mitzvos were to be found to outweigh the aveiros. However, before the judgment was about to be passed, a final announcement was made as a last resort to try and get a zakai verdict. “Was Avraham ever ma’avir al midosov? And if he was, we will be able to overlook his aveiros and let him live another year.” Suddenly, Avraham started screaming “give him my seat, give him my seat!” At that point he awoke and found himself lying on his bed in a cold sweat. He then realized that his life was dependant on his seat, and when he came to shul for Shacharis, he went immediately over to the gabbai and told him, “Give Shimon my seat!”

-Dixie Yid

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MALCHUYOS: HASHEM IS OUR KING - Guest Posty by R' Chaim Morgenstern

MALCHUYOS –HASHEM IS OUR KING
By Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern
(Reprinted from the booklet with permission from the author)

The Shacharis davening of Rosh Hashana is ushered in with the chazan singing “Hamelech” – the king. In fact, the most often-mentioned word in the Rosh Hashana davening is “melech” and the central theme of the Rosh Hashana davening is “malchuyos” – proclaiming and recognizing Hashem's total sovereignty over the entire universe. Additionally, Rabbeinu Saadia Gaon writes that the shofar blowing symbolizes the coronation of Hashem over the world (just like trumpets are sounded when crowning a new king). It is for this reason that the Gra was extremely joyous during the shofar blowing, explaining that just as a nation is joyous when they coronate a king, so too, we must be joyous because we are coronating Hashem over the universe (Rav Chaim Volozhin, Kesser Rosh #204).

However, if we were to give this concept of malchuyos a second thought, we may discover that we are very distant from perceiving its profound meaning and implications.
Rav E. Dessler writes that even though we inwardly believe that Hashem controls the entire world, nevertheless we fall short of feeling this belief in our day-to-day lives. This is because we are accustomed to use the terms "nature” and “miracle.” Many people think that “nature” is all that transpires naturally once Hashem put the earth into motion, while a miracle is an occurrence that is outside the laws of nature. However, this is an error. In reality everything is a miracle, and it's only because we are so used to it happening that we term it "nature." For example, we accept the fact that techiyas hameisim – resurrection of the dead – is a miracle. However, a seed that decomposes and starts growing is no less a miracle, nonetheless we term it "nature.” Yet it is only the will of Hashem that makes a seed grow no less than bringing a dead person back to life. Science knows how things function, but not why. The “why” of a growing seed, force of gravity, and thousands of other "natural" occurrences and phenomenon are the ratzon Hashem, the will of the Creator. Therefore, concludes Rav Dessler, there is no difference between a miracle and nature except that we are so used to the term “nature” (and associate it to “natural”) that we cease to see all the miracles necessary for nature to function (Michtav M’Eliyahu Vol. 1, pp 177-8).

One of the reasons why it is difficult to envision and fully comprehend the concept of Hashem’s supremacy over the world is simply because there are no kings today to set an example of a supreme ruler. By observing the absolute authority of a king and how his nation is totally subservient to him, one is able to set an example for himself of how to properly honor, revere and serve Hakadosh Baruch Hu (Sefer Hayashar of Rabbeinu Tam, Shaar Ha’rishon).

Rav Shlomo Wolbe adds that this is one explanation of " מלכותא דארעא כעין מלכותא דרקיע " – an earthly kingdom is similar to a heavenly one. Observing the reverence and honor given to a melech basar v'dam – an earthly king – is just a slight glimpse of what must be accorded to Hashem. Before 250 years ago, kings were absolute rulers. Their word was final – if they decided to execute someone, it was carried out without any delay. However, they began to misuse their authority and became ruthless despots. The French Revolution ushered in a new era in history by introducing the concept of democracy, which soon spread to most of the world. The absolute power of the king was now replaced with a president or prime minister elected by the populace, whose authority was now controlled by another governing body (parliament or congress). Rav Wolbe writes that this drastic change was not coincidental. It was a heavenly decree resulting from our own misdeeds of being lax in emunah – belief in Hashem. The purpose of an absolute monarch is to give us an actual picture of human subservience to a living king, who can serve as a role model of how to honor, revere and serve Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Once people started losing their emuna in Hashem, there was no purpose in having kings in the world and Hashem abolished this system (Alei Shur, Vol. 2 pp 425-7).

Since we lack a model of a supreme ruler, we must seek other methods to conceptualize the malchuyos theme of Rosh Hashana in order to feel that Hashem is in absolute control of all that transpires in the universe.

We can start by studying Hashem's dominance over the physical world. Let’s pick up a rock and observe it. The smallest component of this small stone is an atom. If the tip of a pinhead contains 25 million atoms, then the amount of atoms in a stone held in one's hand is immeasurable. (Even 25 million is an amount that's hard to perceive. Can you imagine this amount of matches before your eyes?) Each atom consists of electrons, protons and neutrons that are held together by an invisible force. When this force is removed, the atom explodes releasing atomic energy. Releasing this force in a particle the size of an egg can provide enough energy to power a steamship across the Atlantic Ocean, and releasing the energy contained in an apartment building can destroy an entire city. While the scientists cannot identify this force, we call it “Hashem’s will.” It is His will that exerts an infinite force, which holds the entire universe together.

Understanding this force explains another concept found in Chazal regarding the asara harugei malchus – the ten Torah sages who were murdered by the Romans. After Rabbi Akiva was killed, the malachim complained to Hashem, “זו תורה וזו שכרה?” – Is this the reward for his devoted Torah study? A Heavenly Voice then proclaimed that this is the decree of Hashem that must be accepted, and if the malachim will continue to complain, Hashem will transform the world to tohu vavohu – its pre-existing state of void and vacuum, meaning that He will destroy the world. How would Hashem accomplish this? We can simply say that since the entire universe exists only because of Hashem’s will, removing His will causes all matter to cease existing. However, based on the fact that the physical world exists because of Hashem’s desire to exert a force that holds all matter together, we can try to explain this concept on a more tangible level. If Hashem would remove His invisible force that is holding the entire creation together, it would result in a complete breakdown of all the atoms and total destruction of the world by converting all the earth's mass to energy. Thus, our entire existence is dependent on a continuous force exerted by Hashem's will.

We can further demonstrate Hashem's constant control of the universe by examining the wonders of creation (a method also used for proving Hashem's existence). As an example, let us examine the cells of our body as described in a science magazine: “Looking at an individual cell, you will be even more impressed. A single cell cannot be seen without a microscope, yet what goes on within a cell is astounding. The wisdom of a single cell is said to exceed all the accumulated knowledge of the human race to date. Even the smallest cell in your body is about one billion times the size of its smallest component! The cell is the site of more chemical reactions than all the chemical factories in the world combined. There are thousands of components in a cell: chromosomes, genes, DNA, organelles, mitochondria, enzymes, hormones, amino acids, and thousands of various chemicals and compounds too numerous to mention. And no one on this earth can explain what makes an individual cell operate. All the thousands of different functions can be categorized, but the force behind these functions is beyond our comprehension. In other words, the innate intelligence of the body is infinitely more sophisticated than our thinking minds. And to think there are over seventy-five trillion (75,000,000,000,000) of these astounding cells working with pinpoint perfection for some sixty, seventy, eighty years, or more.

The human brain has 30 billion neurons or nerve cells, with five to ten times that number of cellular connections. These neurons are not attached to each other, and connect by transmitting signals via a string (axon) at a speed of 225 mph. After passing the signal, it takes each string two-thousandths of a second to chemically recharge itself. Even asleep, the brain handles traffic that would swamp the entire world’s telecommunication systems combined.

Inside each cell is a nucleus that contains chromosomes that contain genes. Inside genes is the stuff of life – DNA. DNA is what determines what color your eyes are, what fragrance a flower will have, or the iridescence of a bird's feathers. If you took the entire DNA from all the genes of all your seventy-five trillion cells, it would fit into a box the size of an ice cube. Yet if this entire DNA were unwound and joined together, the string would stretch from the earth to the sun and back more than four hundred times! That's almost eighty billion miles!

One human cell in the laboratory, free from all bodily influences, will divide some fifty times before dying. If all our cells divided that often, we would reach a weight of more than eighty trillion tons! Only with such staggering thoughts as these is it possible to grasp some idea of the infinite intelligence necessary to coordinate the activities of such an astronomical number of cooperating cells. When we view the vastness of the human body's faculties and processes, we must stand in awe of the enormous intelligence displayed."

The scientists, who deny the existence of a Creator, attribute this to some mysterious intelligence. They believe that, chas veshalom, just as it took millions of years for human beings to evolve from the amoeba cell, with "patience" to wait a few more million years we are bound to find the solutions to all the mysteries of the universe. However, we have all the answers. This "mysterious intelligence" is Hakadosh Baruch Hu, who controls all of nature with His infinite wisdom.

Rav Yitzchok Hutner aptly captures the concept of Hashem’s presence in the world stating, “The secular philosophers painstakingly strive to find Hashem’s presence in the world. However we cannot find a place in the universe that doesn’t manifest Hashem’s presence” (Quoted in Alei Shur Vol. 2, p.596. This is also why one of the names of Hashem is “Hamakom” – the place, inferring that his place is everywhere, as the pasuk states, “מלא כל הארץ כבודו” – The whole world is filled with His glory - Yeshayahu 6:3). Understanding these concepts provides an insight into the meaning of the words in our daily tefilla: “המחדש בטובו בכל יום תמיד מעשה בראשית ” – In his goodness, He continuously renews the work of creation. Since every second of our existence requires a renewal of Hashem’s will to function, each moment is like a “new creation” (See commentary of Aitz Yosef in the Siddur Otzar Hatefillos ad loc.).

Another insight into the concept of malchuyos can be attained by examining Hashem's knowledge of all that transpires in the universe. Imagine writing a comprehensive autobiography about yourself that would contain every vital statistic about all that transpired every second of your lifetime. It would include all your thoughts, feelings, desires and all medical data about your body – blood pressure, heartbeat rate, brainwaves and complete blood analysis from the time you were born. Since each year has over 31 million seconds, if we were to program one hundred pieces of information, we would be storing over 3 billion bits of data for only one person per year. When multiplying this by 70 years, and again by the entire population of the world, we reach astronomical figures. No computer system could ever handle such data. Now imagine that we are standing by the Kosel Hama’aravi on a crowded chol hamoed day, as thousands of Jews are streaming in and out. Try programming each individual's past, present and future history and thoughts for one year – another 3 billion bits per person. In addition to this, let us attempt to accumulate data about all the animals, birds, insects, fish, trees, flowers, vegetation, weather, ocean currents and temperatures. It is impossible for a human mind to even imagine the massive amount of data involved.

We haven't even touched on any facts about the inorganic world, such as the gas content of the atmosphere, the amount of and content of every building on earth, including the origin of each component; nor have we included the vast spiritual realm of the heavens, malachim and the world-to-come. The list is endless.

If we stop to think, we'll realize that recording all the data about the entire world is impossible. But there is one "Being" that is able to comprehend all the data of the entire world – humans, animals, vegetation, plus encyclopedic knowledge of all the inorganic matter of the universe – Hakadosh Baruch Hu. His infinite knowledge is beyond any human comprehension as we say daily in Ashrei, “גדול ה' ומהולל מאוד, ולגדולתו אין חקר ” – His greatness is unfathomable. Thus, another concept of malchuyos is that Hashem has absolute knowledge of the past, present and future of every component, being and organism in the universe.

To briefly summarize, Hakadosh Baruch Hu exerts an invisible force that keeps the complete physical world in existence, in addition to actually controlling its every movement. Hashem also has a complete and comprehensive knowledge of every conceivable fact and data of the entire universe since creation.

Rav Yitzchok Hutner explains that although we proclaim the oneness of Hashem in our Shema twice daily, Rosh Hashana is designated as a day in which we coronate Hashem over the world.

Bearing in mind the above thoughts can help us grasp the profundity of the concept of malchuyos and give us a glimpse of how Hashem is Melech Malchai Hamelachim – the king of kings.

-Dixie Yid

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Communication - Key to a Happy Marriage - Part 4 Out of 4

Communication– Key to a Happy Marriage
Part four
By Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

Another example of how men’s and women’s dominance influence conversation is when they returning from a weekend vacation. The wife will focus on the emotional aspect of vacation, such as the serenity, beautiful scenery, how enjoyable it was to finally be alone for Shabbos and away from it all, while the husband will pleasure himself with talking about the new car he rented with the latest gadgets or action–related topics. For a couple to share and enjoy conversing together, they must learn how to discuss topics, stories and experiences on their spouse’s wavelength.
Included in the category of how to talk is learning how to properly express yourself so that your spouse understands you. At times, a husband or wife will request or reply to each other in an unclear or cryptic message with the expectations that their spouse has ruach hakodesh – divine inspiration – to understand their coded messages.

For example, the wife would like to purchase a new housecoat, shaitel or shoes. She approaches her husband and says, "Avi, there's a shaitel sale at Chani's wig store." "Go gezunterheit and enjoy yourself," may be his reply; or if she says that her housecoat is getting shabby or her shoes are starting to wear out, he could reply, "My suit and shoes are also wearing out." In either instance he's not getting the hint, and the wife gets frustrated because she thinks that her husband fully understands her and is just inconsiderate of her needs.

Another example is if the husband would like to go to his parents for dinner or Shabbos, and he's not sure if his wife will agree. If he hints by saying, "Rochel, you know, I haven't seen my parents in a while and miss them." His wife's reply might be," You know something? I also haven't seen my parents for quite some time and I miss them too! But that's part of married life – it's not as easy to get out whenever we want." The husband feels hurt because his wife is not sensitive enough to his feelings, when in reality his wife innocently thought that he was merely expressing his feelings, which she was sharing with him. (However, in certain instances understanding must be used. For example, when a wife feels the need to buy clothing or something for the home and she isn't sure if they can afford it, she should tactfully ask her husband if they could presently afford an extra expense before her request.)

Even though couples must strive to express themselves properly, nevertheless, until they learn to do so, husband and wife must learn how to interpret their spouse's hidden messages.

It is also incumbent upon husband and wife to learn each other's sensitivity level. A husband cannot talk to his wife in the same manner that he talks to his chavrusa, and a wife must likewise be careful how she talks to her husband. A couple’s life is so intertwined that any negative remark, even if hinted, can cause friction and ill feelings towards their spouse. Therefore couples must avoid using expressions like: "What's wrong with you, don't you know how simple it is to..," "What a stupid mistake," "Stop talking nonsense," or (sarcastically), "You did a great job on...” Besides disrupting shalom bayis, hurting their spouse’s feeling is a prohibition of onaas d’varim.

4) How to Listen

The last area of proper communication is listening to your spouse while he/she is speaking. But it's not just listening; it's listening in a manner that your spouse feels that you are listening to him/her. For example, a husband or wife is engrossed in their own affairs while their spouse would like to discuss something with them. Even if they are listening to every spoken word and can repeat verbatim what the other said, nevertheless one doesn't feel that he/she is being heard. Therefore, to give this feeling of being listened to, it is of utmost importance to give eye contact– look at your spouse when he/she is talking to you. It is known that when Rebbetzin Feinstein would speak to her husband, Rav Moshe, he would close his sefer and look at her.

In addition, it is also helpful to nod your head every so often and verbally express your interest in what your spouse is saying by remarking, "Yes, I hear," or "uh huh," and commenting every so often on what is being said. The satisfaction of the speaker depends on how much he feels that his/her spouse is listening.

If a husband feels that his wife is conversing more with others than with himself, (or vice versa) the reason could be that his wife feels that others are more attentive to her and show a greater interest in what she is saying than her husband.

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There is much more to learn in the area of communication than appears in these articles. However, chazal say, "Ten le’chacham ve’yechkam od" – teach the wise man and he will become even wiser. When one is determined to reach a goal, he does not have to be guided the entire way. His determination will merit him siyata dishmaya – help from Above – and he will find the right path to reach that goal.

A couple who are determined to develop their communication skills with each other, will set aside the required time to learn these skills, and will strive to achieve the four objectives mentioned above. They will then be on the proper path for a happier and enriched married life and will realize that proper communication is the key to a happy marriage.

(A complete treatment of family communication is discussed in my shiurim: “Communication – Key to a Happy Marriage”, “Understanding Your Spouse’s different Nature” (separate men’s & women’s version) and ”The Art of Communication” – available in, CD tape & MP3 format. cfmorgen@mosesnet.net)

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Communication - Key to a Happy Marriage - Part 3

Communication– Key to a Happy Marriage
Part three
By Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

The Dynamics of Communication – II

2) When to Discuss Matters and Issues

Timing is a very important factor when developing communication. There are times when a husband or wife feels the need for space to “chill out” and be left alone to unwind from the day's tensions. The reaction to conversing with one’s spouse when he or she is not in the mood will cause one of two reactions:

a) the spouse will either not be responsive and act reserved giving the feeling that he/she is not interested in what you have to say, or
b) will respond irritably as if to imply "please don't bother me now!"

Either scenario can result in friction because you will feel hurt by your spouse’s reactions.

Additionally, there are times of pressure and tension when a person's mind isn't focused and conversation should be avoided. Examples of this are on Friday afternoon when the family is rushing to complete the Shabbos preparations, or when in a rush to leave for work or a simcha.
Timing is also important when a husband or wife have a special request to make. For example, the wife would like to purchase an extra suit or shaitel that's on sale, or the husband would like his wife to accompany him on a trip or visit that she may not enjoy. Patience must be exercised to find the right time when their spouse will be able to properly focus on their request.
A simple conversation can be ruined and a request or correction can erupt into a major quarrel if not timed properly.

3) How to Talk

Learning how to talk to your spouse requires learning his/her language. This is one of the most difficult areas of adjustment in marriage affecting every area of conversation.

To properly succeed in this communication skill, one must recognize that men and women were created differently, each with their own distinct dominant trait. The woman's dominance is emotions, while the man's dominance is logic. This dominance causes men and women to differ in their manner of thinking and relationships with others. (Although there are women who are very logical & men who are very emotional, nevertheless, their dominance remains the same; meaning, that a woman’s emotions govern their logic and a man’s logic governs his emotions.)
Communication is a vital area that is directly affected by this dominance. Women talk from their emotions and men from their logic. Scientific studies have actually shown that women's brains are "wired" differently for emotional sensitivity and that the emotional part of their brain generates more activity towards the verbal part of it. This gives women the ability to verbalize and express their emotions more easily than a man. For example, a man can easily buy a bouquet of flowers for his wife, but will have difficulty in writing her a warm note to accompany it.

Women enjoy sharing their feelings, thoughts, ideas and dreams with their husbands because expressing their emotions generates a feeling closeness to them. Since discussion creates relationships, when women discuss something that’s bothering them with their husbands, they are seeking empathy and understanding more than solutions. Because discussion creates closeness, women will often discuss a matter or repeat a story a second time even without adding any new details.

At times, discussion is a woman’s getaway from the world, a way to relax from their hectic work or household schedule.

On the other hand, men focus on solutions – tachlis. And when they discuss issues, their goal is resolve them.

Perhaps we can say that men regard discussion as a means to arrive at a conclusion, such as a solution to a problem, purchasing an item or making an investment. Unlike women who regard conversation is an end by itself.

For example, a wife who complains to her husband that her job is difficult and very taxing usually wants him to listen and share her feelings. If the husband is not empathetic, he will immediately offers a solution to her problem saying, "If your job is so taxing, then either reduce your working hours or look for another job!" "But I like my job and my boss, it just seems too much for me to handle," will be her reply. It's quite obvious that the wife has no intentions of quitting her job, and just wants a listening ear to share her feelings. Her husband, on the other hand, offers his help assuming that this is what his wife wants. The result is that they both become frustrated and disappointed with each other. The wife is frustrated because her husband is not empathizing with her, and the husband is equally frustrated with his wife for not accepting his advice to alleviate her difficulties at work.

Conversely, if a wife wants to succeed in connecting with her husband, she should talk from her logic and not from her emotions. A precedent to this is found in the Torah during Korach's rebellion. Chazal write that when the wife of Ohn ben Peles heard that her husband was going to join Korach in his uprising against Moshe Rabbeinu, she presented to him a winning argument which saved him from self destruction. She reasoned with him, “The winners of this dispute will be either Moshe Rabbeinu or Korach, and, whatever the outcome is, you will still only remain a disciple to the winner, so why get involved?” Ohn immediately agreed and his wife succeeded in keeping Korach's agents from recruiting him (Sanhedrin 109b). Had she used her emotional weight by excitedly exclaiming, "Are you crazy?! How can you even dare to think of opposing Moshe Rabbeinu?" Do you think Ohn would have reacted positively? Of course not! He would have ignored her cries as an overreaction to the situation. Mrs. Ohn ben Peles was smarter than that and talked his language with a convincing argument.

(A complete treatment of family communication is discussed in my shiurim: “Communication – Key to a Happy Marriage”, “Understanding Your Spouse’s different Nature” (separate men’s & women’s version) and ”The Art of Communication” – available in, CD tape & MP3 format. cfmorgen@mosesnet.net)

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Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern Speaking in L.A. THIS WEEK!

We are pleased to announce that Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern –
Internationally acclaimed lecturer, columnist, educator, family counselor
& senior Halacha teacher at EYAHT, Aish Hatorah’s women’s college

will be in L.A. on his yearly speaking tour from Sept. 8th – 15th
& will be giving the following talks:

Mon. eve. Sept. 8th at 8:pm “Communication – Key to a Happy Marriage”
At The Events Room, 525 N. Sycamore, 1st entrance

Tues. eve. Sept. 9th at 6:45 pm – For women
"Acquiring Favorable Judgement on Rosh Hashana"
At Yula Boy's School 9760 W. Pico Blvd. room 121
(Sponsored by the TLC)
at 8:15 pm – “The Truth about Lying ”
At Schwartz, 365 N. Poinsettia
(Sponsored by Chevra Shmiras Halashon)

Wed. eve. Sept. 10th at 8:30 pm: “Coping With Anger & Insults”
At Mehrannia 916 S. Sherbourne, apt. 303
Sponsored by Helkeinu-310-785-0440)

Thurs. Eve. Sept. 11th for women at the Bais Yaakov, Beverly & Fuller
“Stratagies for a Successful Teshuva”
Time TBA (Contact the no. below*)

Shabbos Parshas Ki Saitzai Sept. 13th Shacharis –
“Breaking through the Kiruv Barrier”
At Adas Torah, 1135 Beverly Drive

Shabbos Afternoon 5 pm for women, “Feeling & Achieving Growth During Elul”
At Aish Hatorah, 9100 W. Pico Blvd.

Sun. Morning Sept. 14th 9 am for men, “Seeking Truth in a World of Falsehood”
At Aish Hatorah

“Adjusting to the Challenges of Marriage”
Venue TBA (Contact the no. below*)

*********************

*Rabbi Morgenstern will have his CDs and booklets available for sale.
He can be contacted at 952-261-7606 to obtain a list or to arrange a private consultation.


-Dixie Yid

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Communication - Key to a Happy Marriage - Part 2

Communication– Key to a Happy Marriage
Part two
By Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

Couples ask, "Where do we find the time to sit down and talk with each other with our busy schedules? We would need a 26 hour day for this!" The answer to this is one word: motivation! If I would offer a couple $100 per day for each half hour they would spend engaged in social talk with each other, (that's $3,000 per month!) I'm sure that they would have no problem finding the time. Why? Because money talks! This exercise simply proves that we can motivate ourselves to do the impossible.

Another interesting observation is that even with a tight, hectic and busy schedule, we somehow manage to find time or squeeze in anything that is important to us. Imagine a housewife deeply involved in her housework who receives a surprise visit from her best high school friend, whom she hasn't seen or spoken to in years. The friend informs her that she is in the neighborhood for only a short time, and decided to surprise her and spend some time reminiscing about their high school years and catching up on their lives. The housewife is so full of joy and excitement that she puts her house on hold, drops everything she's doing and sits down to enjoy some relaxing conversation with her friend. Imagine if this high school friend would be her husband, do you think that she would have the time? The same scenario holds true for the husband. Does he give her the same time that he spends talking with or helping a friend?

Husbands and wives get so involved in their own personal lives, housework and child raising that they hardly ever have time for themselves. Yet with some willpower, motivation and realizing the importance of spending quality time together, they can make this one of their top priorities in marriage and succeed in finding the necessary time for this.

Sometimes couples that have reached the "compatibility stage" in marriage feel that social conversation is no longer necessary for them to maintain their relationship. This is a gross error! If a couple doesn't want their marriage to get stale they must constantly keep up social conversation throughout their marriage.

The Dynamics of Communication

Once a couple has made the resolution to set aside time for social conversation, their goal now is to learn the four basic communication skills which are:

1. what to talk about
2. when to talk
3. and the two hows – how to talk &
4. how to listen

1) What to talk about– It is the duty of each and every husband and wife to know which topics and subjects interest their spouse and which they dislike talking about. A person naturally feels close to someone who takes an interest in them, and conversing on topics that your spouse enjoys talking about will automatically generate this closeness. By ribui sicha, a husband and wife slowly learn the topics that interest each other in areas of current events, politics, science, relationships, child raising and subjects in Torah, and avoid discussing topics that they dislike. Even if a couple discuss the Parsha at the Shabbos meal or reviews certain halachos with each other, it must be discussed in a format that is suited for both. A husband must realize that his wife is not like his male chavrusa, and the wife must recognize that men study Torah in a different manner than what she is accustomed to learning in her Bais Yaakov. By trial and error and determination to succeed, the couple will be able to learn exactly what their spouse likes and dislikes talking about.

It is an unfortunate situation when couples, after years of marriage, are unable to converse with each other claiming that they have nothing in common to speak about any more. I advise these couples to make the topic of their first discussion "Which topics are of mutual interest to each other." I also advise that even if the wife wants to discuss a topic which hardly interests her husband, (or vice versa) nevertheless, he should make an effort to show an interest and partake in the discussion so that the wife will reciprocate when he wants to discuss a topic which may not interest her.

I make the following suggestions to couples that have difficulties in finding what to talk about:

1. To discuss their happy and enjoyable past experiences that they shared together. They can do this by taking out some old picture albums and relive the past. (One couple did this each Saturday night with a slide collection they had, and claimed that it worked wonders for them).
2. Another idea is to listen to a shiur together on a subject of mutual interest. (Avoid choosing a tape on shalom bayis which may cause the husband or wife to notice the other's faults in their relationship while overlooking their own shortcomings.)
3. Discussing dreams is another option .For example, if they were treated to a paid vacation, where would they choose to go?
4. Even studying Torah together is a good means to improve communication. I suggest to couples to use 10–15 minutes weekly or biweekly of their time together and review the laws of taharas hamishpacha, Shabbos, Brachos and lashon hara. On Shabbos they should discuss the weekly Parsha, and during the summer months include Pirkei Avos. I found that once they start the ball rolling, they are able to continue on their own, and discover "new worlds" of conversation that they never thought had existed.
5. The Chazon Ish writes that couples should tell each other when leaving the home, where they are going and upon returning where they have been, because sharing each others' experiences is another means of creating closeness between themselves.

(A complete treatment of family communication is discussed in my shiurim: “Communication – Key to a Happy Marriage”, “Understanding Your Spouse’s different Nature” (separate men’s & women’s version) and ”The Art of Communication” – available in, CD tape & MP3 format. cfmorgen@mosesnet.net)

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Communication– Key to a Happy Marriage - Part 1

בס"ד

Communication– Key to a Happy Marriage
Part one
By Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

Marriage is one of the most important areas in our lives where proper speech plays a vital role. One of the prime goals of marriage is to create an inner unity– kesher pnimi– between husband and wife, which, when attained, will give them the true simchas hachaim, as mentioned in chazal (Mesechta Yevamos 62b). However, the right tools are required to reach this goal. One of these tools is proper communication between husband and wife. In most, if not all of shalom bayis problems with married couples, there exists a communication problem as well. And the fact that books that deal in family communication are usually best sellers clearly indicates that communication problems exist even in marriages that are not "on the rocks." Conversely, when couples can communicate effectively, they are usually able to successfully solve their differences themselves. Thus we can conclude that proper communication is one of key factors in establishing a successful marriage.

Defining communication

Communication from a Torah perspective differs from what many people understand it to mean. A common misconception is that if one cannot say what he means or mean what he says, then he is lacking communication. For example, if I think that my spouse is lazy, clumsy or did something stupid and I cannot tell him/her so, then I cannot communicate properly. Since statements like these violate the Torah prohibition of ona'as devarim (hurting another's feelings with words) and will probably initiate an argument between the couple. Obviously, this not the type of communication that is conducive for shalom bayis.

Proper communication in marriage can be broadly defined as the ability to:

a) Express yourself and be understood without hurting your spouse's feelings,
b) Discuss issues and differences with your spouse and arrive at conclusions and/or compromises which are suitable and agreeable to both sides without developing into a quarrel,
c) Share experiences, dreams and problems with your spouse, and
d) Listen and understand your spouse so that he/she feels understood and that you're listening.
It is quite obvious that a couple, who can converse with each other in the above manner, will set forth a chain reaction towards a positive relationship, beginning with mutual understanding of each other. This feeling of being understood will cause a husband or wife to feel happy and content with each other. The happiness and contentment will bring on closeness between the two and automatically strengthen and solidify their marriage bond. Thus they will experience the peace, tranquility, bliss and harmony in their marriage as described by chazal.

Developing Communication

The first step in developing proper communication is for the couples to commit themselves to spend time talking with each other, which is termed by the Chazon Ish as "ribui sicha"(Letter published in the chasan guides of Rav Shlomo Wolbe and Rav Chaim Friedlander).

Just as a novice swimmer or driver improves his skills by swimming or driving, the more a husband and wife converse with each other, the more they will perfect their communication skills. For this reason, the Chazon Ish writes that couples must spend time together conversing during the first year (shana rishona) of their marriage when they are working on building the foundations of their new life. During this year, since couples are usually free of the pressures and responsibilities of supporting and raising a family, they are advised to spend an hour a day in a relaxed atmosphere, preferably over a meal engaged in social conversation with each other. The time should be exclusively theirs with no interruptions with telephones and cell phones put on “voice mail”. This will enable them to transform this time into "quality time"– i.e. relaxed and focused n each other's conversation. At times they could go out together for a walk or to dinner for a change of pace, as long as they are alone and talking socially, and not about business matters, for example, who will pay the bills, bring the auto in for repair, etc.

One should realize that this shana rishona period of one year is not a fixed time – zman –which terminates one year after marriage. Rather, it's a stage– matzav– that a couple must achieve in their relationship, and can very often extend well beyond the shana rishona. If after years of marriage, a couple still have difficulty communicating and discussing differences with each other, and there is no mutual trust between them, then they should realize that they haven't yet achieved the goals of the shana rishona.

One roadblock in developing communication, which is also detrimental to the marriage relationship in general, is the "monotony of the daily routine." We observe a married couple living together, sharing space and responsibilities, and most of the conversation between them is about managing their finances, and division of the household chores– cooking, cleaning, shopping, picking up the children, garbage removal, etc. They may also operate on different schedules so that they hardly see or speak to each other during the day because the husband or wife has a second job or other commitments during the time that their spouse is free. The result? Instead of feeling that they are growing closer to each other, they seem to be drifting further away. Many years ago I was told that a well known newspaper published a report stating that the average couple spends only eleven minutes a day talking with each other. More recently, I read a book on family communication that lowered the figure to a half hour weekly. That’s than 5 minutes per day! Is there any wonder why there are so many problems in today's marriages? How can a couple live together in harmony when they have never learned to communicate properly with each other?

Therefore, it is incumbent upon newlyweds to set aside "quality time" during their shana rishona as part of their daily routine in order to develop this most vital area of marriage. Couples who are past their shana rishona and are experiencing difficulty in communication must make a resolution to set aside time from their busy schedules to make an artificial shana rishona in order to start the ball rolling of learning how to properly converse with each other.

(A complete treatment of family communication is discussed in my shiurim: “Communication – Key to a Happy Marriage”, “Understanding Your Spouse’s different Nature” (separate men’s & women’s version) and ”The Art of Communication” – available in, CD tape & MP3 format. cfmorgen@mosesnet.net)

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Guide to Asking & Answering Questions on Shidduchim

בס"ד

A BRIEF GUIDE TO ASKING AND ANSWERING QUESTIONS ON SHIDDUCHIM

By
Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

Many people have been hurt in the past, and are being hurt every day, by lashon hara. This is especially the case when it comes to giving out information relevant to shidduchim.

Sometimes a person suppresses particulars that he is obligated to pass on according to the halachah, because he imagines that he is not allowed to speak. Other times, all kinds of intimate details are handed out "for shidduch purposes," when actually passing on this information is prohibited.

We must be sensitive to the power we wield when conveying shidduch information. Our words could easily cause the shidduch to be abandoned. Alternatively, withholding crucial details could result in a shidduch going through that will only bring pain and trouble to the innocent.

We may be called on at any moment to divulge information about an individual or family when a shidduch is being considered. Therefore we are obligated to familiarize ourselves with the halachos of what we may and may not say, and also of how to provide the necessary details, or to obtain them for ourselves. Finally, we need to know when to speak: what is permissible to relay in the early stages of a shidduch may not be permissible to say later on, or may require a shailah to a rav.

GUIDE FOR THE נשאל (ONE REPLYING)

1. Before answering, find out where the two sides are holding: before, in the middle, or after settling the shidduch; each stage must be handled differently and rabbinical guidance is needed as to how to give over the relevant information.

2. Before replying, verify:
a) That the information is לתועלת – beneficial, i.e., that is, the information must be relevant and important to the decision being made the shidduch. It is אסור to give irrelevant information or to reply to people asking out of curiosity.
b) If your information can still influence the decision of either side. If the shidduch is going to be made regardless of what you say, then it’s lashon hara to mention anything negative, since this will cause harm by putting the young person in a negative light.

3. If you think that they are not a match and your opinion will be accepted without mentioning a גנות (derogatory information) – e.g., by saying “This shidduch isn’t for you”, or “There’s a personality clash” – then you are prohibited to mention any details. However, if you must elaborate, say the minimal information necessary to stop the shidduch. Be careful not to exaggerate. If you are aware of any זכות – merit – you must mention it.

4. If the נשאל's information is second-hand, it cannot be presented as something certain, since it could be a false rumor. Rather he must say, “This is only something that I heard about Ploni but all the same, be careful just in case it's true.” When the information is uncertain, it is a mitzvah, but not obligatory, to give it.

5. It is אסור to mention any גנות if it results in damaging the person, e.g., others will treat him badly, or he will get a bad name. Similarly, one must not give such information to a gossiper (הולך רכיל), because he will spread the גנות unnecessarily, or repeat it to the person himself

6. If you are asked details about one’s appearance, height, weight, etc., it is מותר to say anything they could see for themselves. This is no worse than showing a photograph. However, be careful not to exaggerate your description, e.g., “fat”, “ugly”. (Sometimes you may think that a person is overweight while others may view him as “solidly built”.) Regarding personality traits, be careful not to give a negative description which can be interpreted as a fault – חסרון, e.g., if a person is naive, don’t say he/she is an idiot or fool. If he is quiet, don’t describe him as depressed or peculiar.

7. Answer questions based on who is asking them, and what they are looking for. If you’re asked whether a boy is a talmid chacham, to another talmid chacham this would mean the boy is a genius or a potential rosh yeshiva, while to an average person it might mean merely that the boy learns and is knowledgeable in Torah. If possible, it is best to ask the שואל specifically what sort of person he is looking for.

8. You don’t have to answer questions regarding Torah knowledge because the inquirers could verify this through the boy’s Rebbeiyim. (However, if a wide gap exists between the שואל’s request and the reality, e.g., the girl’s side is looking for a genius and the boy is average, it must be mentioned.)

9. Be careful when answering about a person’s emotional and physical health. You could ruin a person for life because of a passing or non-genetic health condition. If any health condition exists in the family, a rav should be consulted to decide how and when it should be mentioned. Caution! Exaggeration is also common in this area. Don’t dramatize the situation.

10. Think before replying! Weigh your words carefully, and don’t blurt out the first thoughts that enter your head. An added word or exaggeration can convert something מותר to lashon hara , besides the irreparable damage you might do to a fellow Jew by a simple slip of the tongue.

The rule is: be careful what you say, how you say it and to whom you say it.

GUIDE FOR THE שואל (ONE ASKING)

1. The שואל must inform the נשאל that he is inquiring for shidduch purposes, and ask questions regarding the shidduch only. 10

2. If the שואל knows that the information will not affect his decision, i.e., even if he hears anything derogatory they will still pursue the shidduch, then he not permitted to inquire.11

3. The שואל is prohibited to believe anything derogatory said about the person in question, even if he can’t find any זכות – merit. He may only suspect (be חושש) that the information may be true for the sake of self-protection.12 (Nevertheless, try to find a זכות).13

4. You should avoid using a third party if the information can be obtained directly(This also depends on the difficulty involved).

5. When the שואל gives over any derogatory details (דברי גנאי), he must be careful to say it in an uncertain manner, e.g., "I heard something derogatory about Ploni, but don’t take it as a fact since it may not be true.”15 He should also not mention his source of information, e.g., “Yaakov said this about Ploni.” This could be rechilus and result in causing harm to Yaakov. 16

6. It is prohibited to ask someone who has any enmity towards the person you are inquiring about.17 (Under certain strict conditions, this is permitted if there is no other way to obtain the information. In this case, a rav should be consulted).

7. It is permissible to ask about personal appearance. However, the נשאל should be cautioned to state facts and not his opinion of how the young person looks (See #7 of נשאל).

8. Once the shidduch is finalized, it is prohibited to hear or say anything derogatory about the boy or girl, especially if it can break off the shidduch. If something serious has been discovered, e.g., health condition or serious character flaw, a Rav should be consulted.18

סוף דבר – In conclusion:

Until you clarify beyond any doubt that a statement isn’t lashon hara, assume that it is (ספק דאורייתא). Many people are faced with a dilemma: To tell or not to tell? Whatever is lashon hara is prohibited to mention. Whatever is לתועלת – beneficial – is not only permissible but a חיוב, an obligation, to tell. A person withholding this information transgresses the לאו of על דם רעך לא תעמוד (You shall not stand aside while your fellow’s blood is shed).19 However, in between what’s prohibited and what’s permissible lies a large gray area; so just as you wouldn’t pasken (decide) complicated שאלה (halachic question) in hilchos Shabbos or kashrus, certainly don’t decide without consulting a Rav.

Our goal is, that shidduchim, which by all accounts ought to proceed smoothly, should not terminate solely because we spoke lashon hara, while ill-fated shidduchim should not be allowed to continue because we remained silent when we were obligated to speak up.
Condensed from an article מרפא לשון Torah Journal, vol. 3, and a lecture by Rav Moshe M. Lowy of Toronto.


Sources:
1. הל' לשוה"ר ד: י"א
2. הל' רכילות ט:ג תנאי ג' ושם בסוף ציור שלישי - ז'
3. הל' לשוה"ר י : י"ד ובאמ"ח ססק"ט, הל' רכילות ט :ב תנאי ד'
4. הל' רכילות כלל ט' באמ"ח סק"ט ובהג"ה
5 שם ט :ב תנאי ה' ובבאמ"ח
6. Rav Y. Y. Fisher (quoted in the article)
7. ibid. based on באמ"ח הל' רכילות כלל ט' ציור ג' סק"י
8. ibid. Based on הל' רכילות פ"ט ציור ג' ס"ו
9. הל' לשוה"ר י : ט"ו, רכילות ט :ב תנאי ב'
10. הל' לשה"ר ד : י"א
11. הל' רכילות ט : ג תנאי ג' , ושם בסוף ציור שלישי - ז'
12. הל' לשוה"ר ו :י , רכילות ה :ב
13. הל' לשוה"ר ג : ז
14. הל' רכילות ט : י"ב תנאי ד'
15. שם כלל ט באמ"ח סק"ט
16. שם סע' ב' פרט ג' בסוגריים, ובבאמ"ח סק"ה, ובסע' י"ב אופן ה'
17. הל' לשוה"ר ד : י"א בהג"ה
18. הל' רכילות ט : ה
19. שם ט':א' ובבאמ"ח. This is also alluded to by the fact that these two
prohibitions appear in the same pasuk (Vayikra 19:16)

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Remembering the Churban Beis HaMikdash - Part 4 - Tisha B'Av -

Remembering the Churban Beis HaMikdash

Torah Insights for Enabling Us to Feel the Loss and Yearn for the Rebuilding
of the Beis HaMikdash

By

Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

Reprinted from the booklet with permission by the author.

Part Four

FEELING THE LOSS

The Shelah Hakadosh(End of Mesechta Succah [Amud Hashalom]) adds another insight into why we don’t feel the churban or await Moshiach. He writes, “My heart was always ablaze upon seeing the Children of Israel building homes like castles and making permanent dwelling places for themselves in this (transitory) world. This appears as if one is inattentive (maisi'ach da’as) of the redemption! Therefore my children, if Hashem blesses you with great wealth, don’t build extravagant homes, rather build yourselves houses that conform to your (real) needs and necessities, and no more.” The Shelah’s message is that the more we become preoccupied with worldly matters (olam hazeh), the more we become “embedded” in them. Preoccupation with olam hazeh results in becoming oblivious to awaiting Moshiach’s arrival.

Even though the Shelah is addressing wealthy people, nevertheless his principle can apply to anyone. A person who gets involved in his own materialistic world can eventually become so attached and involved in it that he can totally become – chas veshalom – uninterested in the coming of Moshiach.

This concept is illustrated by a story of a traveling Rav who found lodging in the attic of a farmer’s home. After midnight, the farmer was awakened by strange sounds emanating from the Rav’s room. He ascended to the attic and found the Rav wailing and moaning. Slightly bewildered, the farmer asked the Rav if he was feeling well and offered some medical assistance. The Rav replied that he was merely reciting his nightly tikun chatzos, and then started to explain the essence and purpose of the tefillah to the farmer who was unfamiliar with it.

As the Rav concluded, with an outburst of emotion he suddenly asked the farmer, “Tell me, if Moshiach were to appear suddenly, would you be ready to pack your belongings and come with me immediately to Eretz Yisrael?”

After a moment, the farmer replied, “This is impossibility, as our livelihood depends on our chickens, geese and livestock.”

Taken aback, the Rav exclaimed, “What would you do if the Cossacks, who are presently on the rampage, approached your estate with the goal of killing every Jew in sight? Would you then think twice about your chickens, geese and livestock?”
The farmer thought again and replied, “Rebbe, I hear your point. Let Moshiach come now, but when he comes, let him take the Cossacks to Eretz Yisrael, and I’ll remain here with my farm, chickens, geese and livestock!”

We too should honestly examine ourselves to see if we are ready to abandon our present lifestyle and start a new life of total spirituality centered around avodas Hashem.

Underscoring this sentiment, the Midrash comments on the psukim stating that the Jewish nation will find no rest in its exile (Devarim, 28:65; Eicha 1:3). The Midrash (Midrash Eicha ad. loc) writes that had Klal Yisrael found peace and tranquility in its exile, the people would not long to return to Eretz Yisrael. Rav Avigdor Miller adds that the cause of baseless anti-semitism throughout our exile is Hashem’s way of constantly reminding us that we are in galus and to instill a desire for the building of the Beis Hamikdash. (cf Siddur Bais Yaakov, ibid. )

****************

What should we do if we have tried our utmost and are still unable to feel the churban and properly yearn for Moshiach’s arrival?
One idea given by the ba’alei mussar is to think of something distressing that will arouse our emotions and then superimpose these feelings on the churban Bais Hamikdash.

This idea is based on a story told in the Midrash of a widow who resided near Rabban Gamliel. When she lost one of her sons, the sounds of her sobs echoed through the silence of the Babylonian night reaching the ears of the Rabban Gamliel and stimulating him to join her and cry for the churban Beis Hamikdash (Midrash Eicha, 1:24).

Therefore we should read about the atrocities that our Nation suffered by the murder and torture of millions of men, women and children during the holocaust that happened so recently. Once these stories arouse our inner emotions, we should transfer these heartbreaking and painful feelings to the churban Bais Hamikdash.
If this method is unsuccessful, Rav Shlomo Brevda once remarked that if a person cannot feel distressed and troubled over the churban, then at least he should feel distressed and troubled about the fact that he cannot properly mourn the destruction.
With the liberation of the Old City during the Six-Day War, Israeli soldiers, weeping with emotion, fell upon the Kosel Hama’aravi and stood in awe at the last remaining segment of the Beis Hamikdash. The picture of those weeping soldiers is etched forever in the minds of those who saw it. In the rear of those huddled close to the Kosel were two soldiers who came from a non-religious kibbutz. They looked around, overwhelmed by emptiness as the holiness and significance of the Kosel had no meaning for them. Suddenly, one of them began to cry uncontrollably. The second soldier, surprised by the sudden outburst, asked his colleague, “Why are you crying?” With tears rolling down his cheeks, the soldier replied, “I am crying because I don’t know what there is to cry about!” (Around the Maggid’s Table p. 105)

CONSOLATION

We conclude Kinos with words of consolation so that we should finish with a feeling of comfort and hope for the future. (Rama O.C., 559:5)
Rav Avrohom Shag, one of the gedolim of Hungary, had a lifelong dream of retiring in Yerushalayim. His dream became a reality in 1873 when he arrived in Yaffo accompanied by his loyal talmid Rav Yosef Chaim Zonnenfeld.

Rav Zonnenfeld vividly relates their first Friday night at the Kosel: “Words cannot describe the Rebbi’s deep emotions during the Lecha Dodi prayers. When he came to the phrase, ‘Mikdash Melech ir Melucha – Sanctuary of the King, Royal City (i.e., the Beis Hamikdash, Yerushalayim), come forth from amidst your ruins, too long have you dwelt in the valley of weeping… (i.e., the churban),’ he lifted his hands heavenward, while streams of tears descended from his eyes. The Rav was totally enveloped in the cloak of emotions, which expressed his longing for Klal Yisrael’s speedy redemption and the Shechina’s glory reinstated.

“Afraid for the Rav’s health,” Rav Zonnenfeld continues, “I was about to awaken him from his trance, when suddenly his countenance changed, a ray of happiness lighting up his face. Thus, he concluded the phrase in a loud voice, ‘Vehu yachmol alayich chemla’ – And He will have compassion on you.” (Adapted from Guardian of Jerusalem, Artscroll, p. 68)

This beautiful story depicts a duality that is the essence of our avodah on Tisha B’Av – on one hand, the expressions of anguish over the churban, tzar haShechina, and the dark galus. On the other hand, the hope toward the glorious sunlight, the light of Moshiach, the Beis Hamikdash and the Divine presence.
May we merit a speedy redemption bimheira veyameinu.

וצום החמישי . . . יהיה לבית יהודה לששון ולשמחה)... זכריה ח:י"ט)

…And the fast of the fifth (month) …will be to the house
of Yehuda for joy & gladness…( Zechariah 8:19)

THE BEIS HAMIKDASH – A TIMELINE
2085,1674 BCE – Avrohom Avinu binds Yitzchok on Har HaBayis
2185,1574 BCE – Yaakov Avinu dreams of the ladder to heaven on Har Habayis
2921,840 BCE – Dovid Hamelech buys land for the First Beis Hamikdash
2928,833 BCE – Shlomo Hamelech builds the First Beis Hamikdash
3338,423 BCE – (9 Av) Nevuchadnezer destroys the First Beis Hamikdash and exiles Jews to Bavel. The Kosel remains
3390,371 BCE – Persian King Koresh temporarily allows rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash
3408,353 BCE – King Daryavesh, Queen Esther’s son, permits rebuilding the Beis Hamikdash (70 years after destruction of the First Beis Hamikdash)
3448,313 BCE – Alexander the Great conquers Eretz Yisrael
3699,143 BCE – Antiochus IV plunders the Beis Hamikdash and sets up idol
3621,139 BCE – Yerushalayim recaptured and the Beis Hamikdash rededicated (Chanukah)
3725,836; 33 BCE – Hurdos makes the the Beis Hamikdash the most beautiful building in the Roman Empire
3828,68 CE – (9 Av) Romans under Titus besiege Yerushalayim, the Second Beis Hamikdash destroyed but The Kosel remains (Some say it was in the year 3829)

Some dates are approximate. Source: Toldos Am Olam, Vol. 1 pp 38-54

1840,1911 – Turks ban Sifrei Torah and chairs at the Kosel to inhibit Jews from davening there
1917 – To pacify the Arabs, British reconfirm ban on Sifrei Torah, etc.
1948 – Jews surrender the Old City to Jordan (War of Independence). Jews’ access to the Kosel guaranteed, but revoked. No Jews allowed for 19 years
1967 – Old City liberated. The Kosel returns to Jewish hands

All that remains is a remnant of our crowning glory. This illustration approximately shows the part of the Kosel visible today, in comparison to its true size.

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