Don't Cause Yourself An Early Death By Wasting Your Life

Over Shabbos, Rebbe spoke (based on a piece in Tiferes Shimshon [Pincus]) about the idea that one's potential self is actually "created" before he is. Not only that, every mitzvah, every bit of Torah, Tehillim and Chesed that one does is created before he or she is, in Shamayim. Then Hashem creates each of us with our own unique kishronos, talents and kochos, abilities, in order to bring those mitzvos that Hashem put in shamayim down to the earth. And he said that when we fail to do that mitzvah, learn that Torah, do that chesed, or when we fail to become the pre-created self that exists in Heaven, that mitzvah or Torah in shamayim is destroyed by our failure to reach our potential. When we don't become or do what we should, we should not only mourn for our failure to do something that we could have done. We should also mourn for the destruction of that image in shamayim of what we should have brought into the world.

I saw a similar idea in the 2nd piece in Tzav V'zeiruz, by the Piaczetzna Rebbe, Rav Kalonymos Kalmish Shapira. He says that every year one should write out a picture of what he plans to be the next year. One should write out what his attainments will be, what kind of avodas Hashem he will have, what aveiros he won't be doing, what he will have learned, how his davening will be, etc. Let's say a person's name is Chaim. He should use that picture of the year 2010 Chaim as a measure against which he should gauge how he's doing throughout the year. He can ask himself whether he actions, as they are going now, are such that they will allow him to become the 2010 version of Chaim that he set out at the beginning of the year.

He says that if, after the year, he sees that he has not even reached the heels of that 2010 Chaim that he imagined a year ago, then it comes that that this 2010 Chaim's life was shortened by a year. If one hasn't grown or worked at achieving an elevation of himself over the past year, then perhaps when one is 30 years old, the only "Chaim" that he will have brought to the light of this world will be the Chaim of 13 years old, when he was Bar Mitzvah.

What will happen when a person dies at the "ripe old age of 85?" If that person only worked on himself for about two years of his life, then the real him that he brought into the world only made it to the age of 15. And when someone dies at the age of 15, it is a big tragedy. That person should mourn the loss of the death of his potential at the age of 15.

In contrast, it says about Avraham, "And Avraham was old, he came with his days." What does this mean? He came to his death with all of his days up to that age. There was a potential Avraham in Shamayim that Avraham should have brought down into the world by the time he died and he succeeding in bringing all of those days with him as he approached the grave.

Rav Weinberger told over a story he heard from Rav Shalom Swadron in 1980. He said that Rav Shalom told a "ma'aseh she'haya," a true story, that all of the souls in heaven were given 30 minutes to come back to this world. During this time, they all rushed around to apologize to people they'd wronged during their lifetimes, to learn Torah, to say Tehillim, to give Tzedaka, to return a stolen object, etc. They had no time to talk to anyone because in the world of truth, they understood the value of these things and didn't want to lose a second. A bas kol came down announcing how much time they had left and they rushed more and more vigorously as the clock would down trying to squeeze in every good deed they could before they ran out of time. And as Rav Shalom reached the point when the bas kol was about to announce that the 30 minutes were up, he paused for a long time and then said...

"And nu, what would be so bad if we have more than half an hour in this world to take advantage of...?"

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Sweetening the Bitter Parts of Life with Bitterness

My Rebbe gave an amazing drasha Shabbos morning that really is such an important teaching for us today.

He told over the Midrash Tanchuma in Parshas Beshalach regarding how Hashem told Moshe to sweeten the bitter waters at Mara by throwing in a tree(Shmos 15:22-25).

כשבאו למרה ולא יכלו לשתות מים ממרה והיה משה סבור שהקדוש ברוך הוא אומר לו שישליך שם דבש או דבילה והמים מתמתקין... ויורהו ה' עץ. אמר ליה הקדוש ברוך הוא, משה, אין דרכי כמדת בשר ודם. עכשיו אתה צריך ללמוד, שנאמר, ויורהו ה' עץ. ויראהו לא נאמר כאן אלא ויורהו, הורהו בדרכיו. ומה היה העץ... מר היה. רבן שמעון בן גמליאל אומר, בא וראה כמה מופלאין דרכיו של הקדוש ברוך הוא יותר מדרכי בשר ודם. בשר ודם, במתוק מרפא את המר. אבל הקדוש ברוך הוא, במר מרפא את המר.

When they came to Mara, and they couldn't drink the water from Mara [because it was bitter], Moshe thought that Hakadosh Baruch Hu would tell him to throw some honey or figs there, and the water would be sweetened. "And Hashem showed him (ויורהו) the tree." Hakadosh Baruch Hu said to him, "Moshe, My ways are not like those of flesh and blood. Now you must learn." As it says, "And Hashem 'taught' him the tree." "ויורהו ה' עץ" It does not say that he "showed him." ("ויראהו") Rather, "he taught him," "ויורהו." He taught him His ways. And what kind of tree was it? ... [A willow tree,] a bitter one. Rabi Shimon ben Gamliel says, 'Come and see how wondrous are the ways of Hakadosh Baruch Hu over and above the ways of flesh and blood. Those of flesh and blood use sweet things to fix that which is bitter. But Hakadosh Baruch Hu uses bitter to heal that which is bitter.

Rav Weinberger said, based on this Midrash Tanchuma, that Hashem isn't just showing Moshe a tree. He's teaching him the proper way to conduct one's self when he comes into a situation of bitterness and difficulty. The natural human tendency is to run away from a difficult situation.

When you're in yeshiva and you end up in a shiur where the Rebbe doesn't smile a lot and you're learning a difficult sugya like Yevamos, the tendency of a Bachur (אותיות בורח) is to run away to a shiur where the learning is sweet. When one first gets married and there's a lot of fighting at the beginning, the tendency is to think maybe this wasn't meant to be. Rav Weinberger even quoted a letter he read by an 11th grader who said "I'm not so worried about what will happen if I marry a guy who isn't so nice. If it doesn't work out we can just get divorced." As another example, he didn't give this example, but it certainly applies to me. Whenever I drink coffee, which is inherently bitter, I use sweet Splenda to sweeten it.

Granted that there are situations when it is right and appropriate to leave a situation. There are marriages, yeshivos, etc. that are truly not right for a person. But the majority of the time, what really sweetens a situation is when you stick with it. When you try to sweeten the bitterness of the matzav with more of that bitterness. After sticking with it for a while, it becomes sweet. I was thinking that this is like the Gemara in Beiah 25b, which says "א"ר אלעזר ... כתורמוס הזה ששולקין אותו שבע פעמים ואוכלין אותו בקנוח סעודה...," that the bitter Turmus [a legume] must be boiled seven times before it becomes sweetened. But it is only through the difficulty of being boiled again and again, that it becomes sweet. And not by being soaked in honey.

Like anyone who has learned to get a geshmak out of learning Gemara can tell you, it's not sweet at the beginning. It's very tough. It's only after sticking with it for a few years, till you get past the language barrier, the concept barrier, and other difficulties, that the Gemara becomes sweet. It doesn't become sweet only by learning the easy parts of Torah and staying away from Gemara. It only loses its initial bitterness by soaking one's self in the bitterness until it becomes sweet.

Rav Weinberger was lamenting our aversion to difficulty. He told a story that one of his grandchildren (three years old) was in the room with his baby sister, who was crying. His mother (one of Rav Weinberger's daughters) was in the other room and overheard him telling his crying sister, "Don't cry! You're a Yid! And... you're religious!" She asked him later what it means to be "religious." He told her that it means that "You're a very Yid." It was a cute story, but it relates to the point that we have to be tough.

While there are definitely times where running away is the ratzon Hashem, the majority of the time, we have to stick with something. Only then will we taste true sweetness.

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Understanding "Iskafia" - Desire, You're Not the Boss of Me!

I highly recommend reading Rabbi Shais Taub's guest post at A Simple Jew today. It's on the topic of Iskafia, repressing or subjugating one's desires. He speaks about it on a practical level and I think it's a great reminder regarding who should be the boss of us.

A Simple Jew: Question & Answer With Rabbi Shais Taub - Iskafia

One important line that's good to point out: If you refrain from eating dessert but everyone knows about it, then you really haven’t held your selfish drives in check, you’ve just replaced one indulgence with another – in this case physical pleasure for emotional validation.

-Dixie Yid

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The Bilvavi Author's Main Nekudah on His Trip to the U.S.

When Rav Itamar Shwartz, the author of the Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh seforim came to the United States in September, he challenged many people to rethink their priorities in life. Many of us may have had difficulty hearing this message. It wasn't only a message of chizuk and hisorerus, but a call to deep and difficult action. I found a section from the beginning of the 5th Chelek of Bilvavi which explains the basic message along these lines. It would be kedai for us to read what he writes here and think about how it may be applicable to ourselves. I have translated part of what I think is a very relevant portion here:

The R"I writes (Sh"T P"1 11) "Know that one who sins by happenstance because he has a desire which overpowers him and his inclination grips him , which he cannot remove from his mind and senses when he encounters it... The beginning of the Teshuva for this person is regret and placing sadness in his heart for his sin etc... But one who is constantly and firmly planted on a path that is not good, whose sins overcome him and he walks in them every day and repeats his iniquity... the beginning of the Teshuva for *this* person is to abandon his [all of] his evil path and thoughts..."

The R"I is speaking on an external level, of one doing actual aveiros (sins), G-d forbid. However, the same thing applies to inner work. Let us explain: Their are those whose actions are entirely tied to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, who just has one detail of his life in which he forgets his connection to the Creator. Then his Tikun is just to fix and tie that detail to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. However, there are others who, even though they observe all of Torah and Mitzvos, lack the inner essence of Torah. They feel no love and they do not have the requisite joy [in doing Mitzvos] and they feel no connection in their souls to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, to their Father in Heaven. He feels no parent-child connection between himself and Hashem. This person's entire path in life is wrong! He is cut off from the true essence of life, from the true essence for which he was created. Therefore, for a person of this type, doing teshuva by taking on some additional stringency or this like will not be enough. Rather, he must change his whole approach to life. He must go out of the world of externality and enter into the world of connecting to the "One Who spoke and the world came into being." If someone doesn't feel love for Hashem burning inside of him enough, and doesn't feel longing for his Father is surely still entirely on the wrong path.

This point is one which is very important and which many people fail in. Let us explain: If someone decides to do Teshuva, especially during these days of Elul and the 10 days of Teshvua. He contemplates his way of life and examines his actions. In general, if he finds that he is afflicted in guarding his tongue, wasting time from learning, davening without thought, saying brachos merely out of habit, etc. What does this person do? He accepts upon himself all sorts of commitments in each of the areas in which he is afflicted. It is obvious that the majority of the time, these commitments do not last long. And even if they last for a long time, a true growing person does not sprout from this process. What is the root of the problem? This is exactly what we have been speaking about! This person is doing the first type of Teshuva from the R"I in the aspect of one who sins "by happenstance." However, in truth, he needs to do the second type of Teshuva for a person who is planted on the [wholly] wrong path.

-Dixie Yid

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Advice on Channeling Aggression - Guest Post by "Duvid"

When it comes to child rearing, it's no secret that men have easier time disciplining kids than women do. So I asked myself, why is it for example, that when a kid starts acting in a way that urgently needs correction, it often takes me one stern word, along with a joke, to set them straight, whereas my wife has to get to the point of screaming and being upset at the kid. And then of course, the kid gets upset and throws a tantrum, so it's a vicious cycle... So I thought about it, and came to this answer: when i give my kids a stern look, they know I mean business... Not that I'm ever going to do something hurtful to them Chas v'Shalom (even if they continue misbehaving), but just as a man, i know how to be very aggressive, and how to control and channel that aggression in a very specific way, and kids feel that... Along with a joke that puts their minds at ease, it works wonders to keep them at bay.

My wife however, doesn't know how to be aggressive (as true for most women)! Kids feel that, and take advantage of it, forsing her to get upset in order to discipline the kid... And disciplining kids while you're upset is not good for anyone...

So i said, hmm!... Let me teach my wife how to be aggressive!!! Especially living in Israel where one doesn't know when one might be faced with an attack, it didn't take long to convince her to let me teach her some martial arts...

I chose one of the simplest techniques, just a straight punch, and we started practicing, with me holding a pillow at my torso and her punching it. The main thing I wanted to bring out is the aggression (BTW, most martial arts classes do not emphasize it enough). I told her like this: one moment i want you to be totally calm, and the next moment, you throw yourself, punching through the pillow. Imagine it's a terrorist... Scream!!! Yeah, go go go... (yeah, it was fun!). Soon she made some progress, from slow, stiff and unsure punches to actually throwing her fists through that pillow, in a sure and strong way... We also worked at being subtle, as well as not setting for the punches. Then we also added a straight thrust - shove (we only work on the simplest techniques). I stood about 5 feet from the wall and had my wife try to shove me and pin me to the wall. At first she couldn't do it, but after some practice she shoves me right to the wall in one go, making a sound like an accelerating motorcycle! (I'm very particular about sounds, there're some sounds that bring out aggression more than others, sound of accelerating motorcycle is one of them. Beginners often make sounds as if they're giving birth - that's not a sound for aggression but rather for pain relieve.) Pretty impressive, as I'm much bigger than her.

When I mentioned this to a friend who's a family counselor he was like, "hmm, I'm not sure it's a good idea..." But we both like it! We've only done it for a few weeks and I notice some improvement in how my wife deals with the kids...

The point here, as concerns dealing with kids, is not to scare them into behaving, but rather to work on ones own ability to control ones aggression. And yes, controlling aggression means being able to become very aggressive in a moment, at will, and channel that aggression very specifically, as well as being able to stop and become calm in a moment. As we say, "moach shalit al halev...". As opposed to not controlling ones aggression, which means lack of control both as one becomes aggressive (one explodes because he/she "just can't take it any more", and this "explosion" can know no bounds) and lack of ability to calm down fast and at will. When one has control over ones aggression, one finds that one really doesn't have to scream at his kids so much! Kids love being around an adult who has an inner sense of self control, and behave accordingly. And when one does have to discipline, one is able to do only what's necessary, with out being too harsh, or too strict, and without himself/herself getting upset.

So what we did is just try to develop some "aggression control exercises". Along with giving one self confidence of knowing how to defend oneself, I think of it as a very positive development. Hope people find these ideas helpful.

-"Duvid"

(Picture courtesy of wholisticchildren1.com)

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All Different Jews Must Do Differently to Fulfill the Torah

At the end of the third aliya in Parshas Pikudei (Shmos 39:32), the pasuk says, "וַתֵּכֶל כָּל-עֲבֹדַת מִשְׁכַּן אֹהֶל מוֹעֵד וַיַּעֲשׂוּ בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל כְּכֹל אֲשֶׁר צִוָּה יְהוָה אֶת-מֹשֶׁה כֵּן עָשׂוּ." "And the work of the building of the Mishkan, the Tent of Meeting, was completed, and just as Hashem commanded Moshe, so the Jewish people did." On this pasuk, the Ohr Hachaim Hakadosh asks, "How could the Torah say the "Jewish people" did as Hashem commanded in building the Mishkan. The whole Jewish people didn't build it. Only a few people like Betzalel and the Artisans actually did the building according to Hashem's command!

He answers by first explaining the idea that, in general, each and every Jew must keep the whole Torah, yet it is completely impossible that any Jew will actually keep all 613 mitzvos. One sign that we must all keep all 613 of the mitzvos is the fact that we each have 248 eivarim, limbs, corresponding to and nourished by the 248 positive mitzvos. And we each have 365 gidim, sinews, corresponding to and nourished by the 365 negative mitzvos. (248 - 365 = 613) Therefore, for any of us to reach our personal wholeness of stature, we must fulfill and nourish every part of our selves with the 613 mitzvos. But this is impossible, since some mitzvos can only be done by Cohanim. Others by Levi'im. Others by Yisralim. Others by women. Etc. And no Jew can do all 613 him or herself.

The Ohr Hachaim therefore answers that the Torah is meant to, and can only, be fulfilled by Bnei Yisroel b'chlalusa, by the Jewish people as a whole, and not as individuals. When one Jew does his mitzovs, he completes me and my fulfillment of the 613. Similarly, when I do the mitzvos that apply to me, I complete him in his fulfillment of the 613. All Jews gives zechus, merit, to each other and everyone fulfills all of the mitzvos through each other.

This is why Hashem said that all of Bnei Yisroel built the Mishkan. It is because of this same principal. When Betzalel and the other Artisans physically built the actual Mishkan, the Jewish people, who were doing their mitzvos and who donated money, gold, other precious minerals, and wanted the Mishkan to come out of all of this, the Jewish people are credited with doing it themselves because of this yesod, that each of us fulfill all 613 mitzvos by the whole Jewish people doing what they are supposed to do.

I was thinking that even though we do not have the Beis Hamikdash today, based on this Ohr Hachaim, we can possibly say something else. We have lots of different kinds of Jews even today. You have Syrians, Persians and Moroccans. You have Chassidim, the Litvish, the Ashkenazim and many other groups of Jews. If we each focus on our group or individual specialization in Avodas Hashem, then as a whole Klal Yisroel, as a whole Jewish people, we all fulfill all of the 613 mitzvos. Some Jews focus more on limud haTorah in Gemara. Others focus more on chesed. Still others emphasize tefillah. Yet if we all do the type of avodas Hashem that is fitting to our techunas Hanefesh, our natural gifts, then as a complete Jewish people, we can be zocheh to true fulfillment of the whole Torah.

May Hashem grant us each the fulfillment of our individual and group potential so that soon, it will no longer only be said that we completed the building of the Mishkan, but let it soon be said that we have rebuilt the Third Beis Hamikdash, which wills stand l'olam u'le'olmei olamim.

-Dixie Yid

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Two Great Posts at A Simple Jew - Sanzer Chassidus & the Notebook Part II

Question and Answer With Yirmeyahu - Sanzer Chassidus

The disciples of the Besht expended much effort to do "kiruv" by teaching all Jews to return to Teshuvah and educate their children with proper Chinuk. However, the inner circle of the disciples of the Besht were Gaonim in learning.

Another 40 Days - Reopening the Notebook Part II (Continued from Part I)

That night I came to the realization that a fundamental prerequisite to applying Azamra to my kids was that I could never allow myself to think of my kids as ungrateful little monsters even at the time that they misbehaved the most...

-Dixie Yid

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Working on Anger, Step by Step - A Simple Jew's Journey

A Simple Jew: Another 40 Days - Reopening The Notebook - Part 1

The Rebbe then told me he wanted me to start another 40 days to concentrate on the second column of my notebook. From what I had repeatedly written down during the previous 40 days, it was evident what my greatest challenge was; anger.

-Dixie Yid

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