How to begin? I don’t know how to effectively put in words
what I experienced and what I feel now but will try. These thoughts are a
stream of conscious and might not be exact, specifically if/when quoting others,
so please forgive me for any misrepresentations if they exist. Last
please do not jump to conclusions about myself, Breslov, or anything
represented below. The thoughts are incomplete and are not fully explained but
rather words coming from a very private and personal place in my conscious.
First is a thank you to my wife for whom these words never
could have been written. She sacrificed immense amounts of herself to allow me
to be zoche to take this journey for myself and our family.
Background
Emet. A word we are all deeply grappling with in a world of
concealed darkness. How does one properly convey it? It’s only felt in the
deepest recesses of the neshama. A feeling of pure joy and comfort that is
perhaps a slight taste of Olam Haba ?
Many years ago I left my job for 4 months, sold my car to
pay for my apartment, and went to Eretz Yisrael to attend Aish Hatorah then
Bircas Hatorah in Jerusalem. I had hit a point in my growth of trying to become
a Torah observant Jew. The only way I felt I could go completely over the edge
was by going to Israel. I walked onto an El Al plane, put on my Kippah, and
said “this is it; I accept the yoke of Torah”.
Baruch Hashem, many years have passed since then with much
bracha in my life. A wife, children, home, etc. I have an amazing chabura, I found
a Rav, and some friends. As my life moved forward though I have always been
searching for a derech that fulfilled a lack of depth and/or completeness in
Torah. As I keep learning more I feel I have always been lacking this depth. A
depth that was so well described by my friend Binyomin in the following writing
article titled “Going
Down the Rabbit Hole” included in the sefer “The Ger After Geirus”:
“Over
time, I learned how to learn Torah from the original sources, but there was
something about the Gemara and Chumash (Five Books of Moses, i.e. Bible) that
did not completely satisfy me. I often found teachings in the Gemara which
screamed out to me that there was a deeper meaning to the text. As Rashi always
says, “This verse says nothing but, “Expound me!” “
I look at a Gemara every day and many times ask myself “this
is the word of Hashem, the deepest secrets are locked in these words, but I am
blind and can’t see”. I would learn “pshat” and think, this isn’t “how far the
rabbit hole goes!” How do I first get to the hole and then take that dive and
reach the Emet my neshama is yearning for? In other words my neshama was just
not satisfied.
It's always been how I have felt about depth. It's always
missing for me but I know it's there. Depth here means trying to understand
beyond a halachic discussion (I am not limiting the profound impact/need of the
halachic discussion) the purpose of the spiritual meaning behind chazal’s
statements. For example, in the third perek of Masechta Sukkah (I believe Daf “Mem”)
a discussion exists on the effects of verbal declarations transferring kedushah
shvi’it from one item to another for various purposes. There are of course
major halachic ramifications but deeper one can see how chazal is pointing to
something very deep and profound. Our speech could have the ability, in certain
parameters, to alter the holiness of an object! Verbal frequencies could
perhaps alter spiritual dimensions, WOW! Now to think about the opposite, in
regard to Loshon Hara, and how speech can be so destructive. This is a another
dimension of chazals words that, for me, bring full circle the halacha with one
of many deeper and much needed dimensions.
When I opened Likutey Mahoran (more below) my Neshama said
this is it providing the depth and nourishment needed completing this full
circle of practical application of mitzvot and spiritual implications. I have felt
this way to an extent from Nesivas Shalom and Shem Mishmuel, and recent Torah
from R'Weinberger and specially R'Wolfson but there has been something about
R'Nachman''s Torah that feels complete to me. A depth that reaches the pinnacle
of Emet completing this circle of the practical with the spiritual.
For many reasons I have attended and listened to many
shiurim by R’Weinberger of Aish Kodesh in Woodmere, NY. His teachings of
Chassidus nourished me as many of us. This past year I attended the Hillula of
the Aish Kodesh (listen
here). R’Weinberger’s words that night reached a deep point in my neshama. A
point that pushed me to understand what I really needed is Penimias Hatorah and
that I shouldn’t be afraid of but rather embrace this need. I am ever grateful
to R’Weinberger for speaking so openly and emotionally that evening. Your Torah
that night, R’Weinberger, had a profound impact on at least one Jewish neshama.
The next morning I went out and purchased the first Likutey
Moharan in English by the Breslov Research Institute (buy
here). Breslov had a special place for me for many reasons including my
late father in law R’Binyomin Chaim. I opened up the Likutey Moharan Sunday
morning. It was the first time, since my first trip to Eretz Yisrael on
Birthright and my later learning at Bircas Hatorah , I had felt such an exalted
level of Emet. Emet equal to my first feelings that Torah was from Hashem. In
other words, I felt I was truly reading the words of the Ribono Shel Olam. Who
was R’Nachman and what was this sefer that opened my eyes to such exalted
purity?
The need for Uman
Fast forward…I have been zoche to start learning R’Nachman’s
Torah with a special and private Talmud Chocham and Breslov Chassid. I started
learning more about the Baal Shem Tov, Chassidus, Rebbe Nachman, and even
starting saying Tehillim daily. I knew about Uman and started asking questions.
Why Uman? The answer was simple but hard to swallow, “Emunah in Tzaddikim”. If
you believe in the emet of the Rebbe’s Torah then you need to have Emunah that
when he says to come to Uman you go. The next several days were torturous for
me. The questions I wrestled with touched many of the same questions when I was
on a road to become a Ba’al Teshuvah. Do I believe or not? If I don’t believe
what I am saying about Torah? About a Tzaddik? About Emet?
I asked my wife permission to go to Uman and she graciously
said yes. I purchased tickets, found an apartment, and registered for events
with Breslov Research Institute. What came next was unexpected but gratefully
familiar. A wave of backlash, or knee jerk reactions from certain people as the
news spread. “Uman? Oy Vey, what’s wrong with you?!” What I experienced was a
similar reaction when I made the choice to become frum. A wave of disbelief,
confusion, and even some hatred. This time around all of this came from Torah
Yidden! I first became frustrated and then was filled with joy as I reflected
on my years becoming frum. Why joy? Perhaps I had found Emet again as when I first
started my journey to Torah but this time a Emet needed at my stage in my
life/growth?
Uman 5774
This trip was a physical representation of a spiritual
journey. My anticipations were high. I was nervous to leave my family and more
nervous of the unknown. Would this journey change my life? Was the sacrifice by
my wife for nothing?
I am not going to chronicle a play by play of Uman. I could
literally write a book on it. However here are a few experiences pertinent to
share:
Erev R’H at the Tzion: I went to say Tikkun Klali,
daven at the kaver, and bring prayers from others. A line was formed so you
could go up to the kaver and briefly daven. A wave of emotion surged into me
bringing tears to my eyes as I touched the kaver and realized I was about to
fufill R’Nachmans ask to his followers to come to him for Rosh Hashanah. I have
been to many holy places in my life. The only other time I have felt this wave
of intense emotion was on Birthright Israel, January 2000, my first night in Jerusalem
seeing the Kotel at night. It was what initially opened my neshama and
propelled me to become frum.
Friday Night Shabbos: I went to the Kloyz. The main
shul where thousands of yiddden daven. The singing was overwhelming but what
made this Kabbalas Shabbos different was the level of simcha that I had never
experienced before. So exalted and so pure. The reason? Achdus. All stripes all
Klal Yisrael were holding hands and singing words of praise to the Ribbono Shel
Olam TOGETHER. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have seen.
Perhaps a taste of the Geulah when hate will be abolished and we will look at
our similarities rather than our differences in Avodas Hashem.
Shabbas Afternoon Shiur at the Breslov Research Institute
(BRI) : R’ Chaim Kramer, the founder and head of BRI had a Q&A session.
A question was asked why in Likuety Tefilos does R’Noson continually write
about finding the True Tzaddik if R’Nachman is the Tzaddik Emet? Meaning, if we
believe Rebbe Nachman is a True Tzaddik why is R’Noson continually writing
tefilos asking to find the True Tzaddik? Is Rebbe Nachman not a true Tzaddik
then? What’s the intent?
R’ Kramer’s answer as I remember it was deep and profound.
He said (loosely quoted) “R'Noson was saying if you think you found the emet of
R'Nachman you haven't. You need to keep searching for the True emet of him”. What
R’Kramer seems to be saying was so powerful. What R'Noson is trying to convey,
I feel, is that R'Nachman reached such an exalted level that he was bound to
and one with Hashem, literally reaching the highest level possible for a
physical body in this world. Therefore Rebbe Nachman’s Torah represents the
closest translation we can have of the spiritual Pinemias Hatorah to this
physical world. Therefore if you think the emet you feel now is the essence of
Rebbe Nachman it’s not the pinnacle. The pinnacle is as deep as the Torah Hakadosh
and therefore you need to daven to be bound to the deeper emet of the True Tzaddik to be zoche to reach the
pinnacle which is attaining a understanding of Hashem at the highest level in
our physical world. Yes deep and yes you might think I am crazy but it makes me
take a deep breath every time and replay R'Kramer saying this and thinking of
what R'Noson felt and who R'Nachman was and how we have no idea just how deep
his emet is.
Concluding Thoughts
As when I started my journey to becoming a Ba’al Teshuvah
and accepted the “Yoke” of Torah I realized how misinformed all my not yet frum
friends were about the beauty of Torah. The Emet and how this Emet can bring
such immense joy and purpose to our lives and the world.
Coming back from Uman I feel the same about Breslov and the
attachment to Tzaddikim. While this statement is over generalized it’s clear to
me how little knowledge frum yidden have about the true derech of Breslov. The
Emet and R’Nachman. There is clear lack of knowledge which leads to ignorance
and therefore leads to opposition and in some cases hatred. As with becoming
frum, if you approach something with honesty and an open heart you will find
the Truth.
While R’Nachman and his Torah might not be the derech for
all yidden I finally feel that I might have found mine.
I only wish everyone reading this is zoche to bind
themselves to a Tzaddik and his Torah that speaks to their neshama. The Tzaddik
Emet that is/ was zoche to reach the highest levels of understanding while
limited to a physical world. Through binding ourselves to our unique Tzaddik we
can then be zoche to see the Emet of Hashem brought down to a level meant for
our physical world.
Gmar Chasima Tova.
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