Showing posts with label Shabbos. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shabbos. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Shabbos Logos by Yoel




My friend Yoel from the deepest bowels of of the most chasidish of neighborhoods is so idealistic it puts me to shame and in his enthusiasm of Shabbos, he recently created the above Shabbos logos. Hope you enjoy!

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Monday, November 21, 2011

Catching the Train L'chavod Shabbos

Rav Weinberger spoke Friday night between mincha and maariv about the mitzva of "v'heichinu es asher heiviu," preparing for Shabbos. He told over this morning that Shabbos morning someone told him that he had a chalishas hada'as because he cannot involve himself in the Shabbos preparations because he has to work until very close to Shabbos in the winter, he has to run to the train, he gets home 20 minutes before Shabbos, runs into the shower, and then runs to Shul.

Rav Weinberger told him that it's not true. For him, in his situation, every time he anxiously looks at his watch at work, every feeling of anxiety when he receives a new phone call, and every leap he takes running to the train is only because of Shabbos.

As he runs to the train, he should literally say "l'chavod Shabbos kodesh." Not only that, but he is mezakeh and elevates the seat in the train that is zoche to carry a Jew home for Shabbos. Every piece of sidewalk and every part of the train he uses to make his way home for Shabbos becomes a kli for hashra'as haShechina. He should therefore say l'chavod Shabbos kodesh" over the whole trip.

Of course he wants to have a nice slow Shir Hashirim before Shabbos. But for the person who's in the matzav where he cannot do that, who knows, Rav Weinberger said, what is more precious to Hashem... His beads of sweat as he runs to catch the train for Shabbos or someone else's leisurely Shir Hashirim.

May we be zoche to the hachana l'Shabbos that is right for us IY"H!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Separating Work From the Results of Working - Shevet Sofer & Rebbe Nosson

At Shalosh Sheudos on parshas Vayakhel, Rav Moshe Weinberger spoke on a fundamental point that especially working people have to internalize. I will (freely) translate the piece he quoted from the sefer Shevet Sofer by rav Simcha Bunim Sofer, the grandson of the Chasam Sofer, on Vayakhel, and then I will (freely) translate a piece from Likutei Halachos that my friend Dov Perkal pointed out to me which makes the same point.

"Six days work shall be done and the seventh shall be holy to you, Shabbos Shabboson..." (Shmos 35:2) (emphasis added)

The pasuk earlier said "remember the Shabbos day to sanctify it... and you shall call Shabbos a delight." (Shmos 20:8). However, there are those who does not believe with perfect faith in Hashem that everything comes from Him, and that a person's livelihood is fixed and that it is Hashem who gives a person strength and success. Such a person will be somewhat sad on Shabbos, and he will not rejoice in Shabbos, because his heart will be filled with worry, thinking that he is losing out by desisting from his efforts. Therefore, one must believe that everything comes from Hashem, and that "bread is not for the wise and neither is wealth for the discerning" (Koheles 9:11). Rather, [a person must work, as it is written,] "in order that Hashem your G-d will bless you in all the work of your hands that you do" (Devarim 14:29).

Hashem wants a person to do what he is able to do and not to rely on miracles. But nevertheless, one must know in his heart that everything comes from Hashem, and that without the blessings of Hashem, nothing he does would have any effect and all would be for naught. If a person has belief in this fact, then he will certainly rejoice in Hashem and Hashem will give him everything he needs during the six days of the week, just as it was with the manna, which Hashem gave as a double portion before Shabbos.

Similarly, with regard to the Menorah, we also find that Hashem said to Moshe, "As one piece it shall be made..." (Shmos 25:31) (emphasis added) The Medrash explains why the verse says "it shall be made," rather than "you shall make." It says that that it is because Moshe had difficulty making the Menorah, and toiled greately until finally, he could not make the Menorah. Once Moshe had difficulty, Hashem said, 'Take a meausure of gold and throw it into the fire, and then it will be made by itself.' This is the meaning of the phrase 'it shall be made.'"

A person's work life must be the same way. A person must work and toil, but nevertheless, he should not say that "my might and the power of my hand has made all of this success for me." Rather, he should view it as if everything happens without any effort of his own through the blessings of Hashem, and as if he did not do anything."
Reb Nosson in Likutei Halachos Orach Chaim Hilchos Shabbos 3:4, 7 (quoted above), commenting on Shmos 25:31 (quoted in the Likutei Halachos Chumash):
A person who does business and work, must subjugate all of his thoughts, actions, and words to Hashem ... and to believe with perfect faith that man alone accomplishes nothing whatsoever. Rather, we are obligated to do some business and work because it is Hashem's will that we do so, since there are deep secrets and great intentions in every aspect of business and work. This is because through work, one can accomplish great clarifications and draw holy sparks through his work and toil, as is known. For this reason alone, we must at least do some amount of work or business because it is Hashem's will. It is for this reason that the sages said, "Torah is good if it is with the ways of the world."
In truth, though, a person does nothing at all. His livelihood does not comes from his physical activities at all. On the contrary, his main livelihood comes from abstaining from the 39 forms of labor on Shabbos. This means that the illumination of Hashem's will, which is the aspect of the holiness of Shabbos, is the source of the blessings of the six days of the week...
When we merit to do business and work in this way [of remembering that all the results and income that we receive come from Hashem and not as a result of our efforts], even though we do work, it is not considered "doing" anything at all. Instead, it is an aspect of our work being done automatically, on its own, as the pasuk says with regard to the Mishkan, "the Mishkan was erected," and the Menorah shall "be made."
It is amazing to see the confluence of the same teaching from the non-Chassidish world of the Shevet Sofer and the Chassidus of Rebbe Nachman/Rebbe Nosson when they both come to teach us the same lesson. If we are zoche to mentally separate our efforts from the income we receive, then we will truly have oneg, happiness, and really be able to keep Shabbos without worrying about the work that we still need to do.

IY"H, may we all be zoche to repeat this truth to ourselves, internalize it, and live with it throughout the six days of the week and Shabbos kodesh!

Picture of the Shevet Sofer courtesy of Greenfield Judaica. Click here to get Dixie Yid in your e-mail Inbox or here to subscribe in Google Reader.

Friday, February 25, 2011

No Hero Like a Hopeless Man - The Yetzer Hara of Erev Shabbos

Quick summary of Rav Moshe Weinberger's Shabbos shiur this morning:

Why is there such a big yetzer hara for fighting, stress and machlokes in families right before Shabbos? "Ein gibor k'misyaeish."

The biggest hero is the one with no hope left. Meaning: If someone's in a battle and they feel they have no hope for survival, they'll tap into hidden kochos to simply cause as much damage to the other side and go out with a bang. On Shabbos, the time for the yetzer hara for that week will be gone. "Kulan shvikin u'shvisin." When that is about to happen, the yetzer tries to create as much stress and machlokes about naarishkeit as possible in order to destroy whatever it can destroy before *it* is wiped out on Shabbos.

Similarly, this time before bias Hamoshiach, before "v'sa'avir memsheles zadon min ha'aretz," the sitra achra seems stronger than ever because it's on its way out when the yom shekulo Shabbos l'chayei olamim begins.

This is why the sitra achra makes tuma more accessible than ever before even b'chadrei chadarim of Jewish homes through computers, Blackberries, iPads, iPhones, and Droids. It's also why the koach of Yishmael seems to be taking over the world. Pretty soon the "memsheles zadon" will be removed from the world so they are trying take as much as they can with them by blowing up as much of the world as they can before being blown into nonexistace themselves.

It's a big chizuk to know that our big nisyonos are the expression of the last gasps of the sitra achra, rather than a sign that the other side is so strong. It's the final act of strength of the dying "gibor hamisyaeish."

May we merit to bring the yediah, the oneness of Hashem, and the ein ode milvado of Shabbos into the six days of the week and may we merit the speedy end to the nisyonos of this world and entry into the world of "v'chol ha'aretz deiah es Hashem" speedy-quick!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Netanyahu Speaking About Shabbos

HT See you on Shabbos/Shabbat.com. Click here to get Dixie Yid in your e-mail Inbox or here to subscribe in Google Reader.

Please donate to my son's cheder by going to minivanraffle.org to buy a raffle ticket. The drawing for a new minivan, car, or $20,000 cash will be IY"H Chanukah time. $100 for 1 ticket. $360 for 5. Where the form says "Referred by," please write "Dixie Yid." Tizku l'mitzvos!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Beautiful Shabbos Niggunim in Baltimore Led By Rav Goldberger

Rav Goldberger here leads a Shabbos "rally" in Baltimore with some beautiful niggunim. As always, he has an amazing voice and they sing a number of beautiful niggunim, including the famous "Baltimore" niggun that Rav Goldberger himself composed, at the end. Enjoy.

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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Shabbos Table Stimulus Package - Shiur by R' Boruch Leff

Check out below for a shiur on "Spiritually Charging Your Shabbos Table" by Rabbi Boruch Leff for some ideas on making your Shabbos table more spiritual and holy:

CLICK HERE to get the shiur.

Also, check out the Two-for-One Special Aish Hatorah has for his books on how to connect more to Shabbos. Enjoy!

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Friday, February 5, 2010

Moshiach's Torah and Shabbos - Rav Itchie Mayer Morgenstern on Parshas Yisro

Here is Reb Itchie Mayer Morgenstern's Torah on Parshas Yisro, with English excerpt and full text in both English and Hebrew in pdf form. You can send an e-mail to this address to subscribe to receive Rav Morgenstern's Torah in your e-mail box every week.
“Remember the Shabbos day to keep it holy. Six days shall you
labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is Shabbos unto Hashem your G-d,
in it you shall not do any manner of work; you, nor your son, nor your daughter,
nor your manservant, nor your maidservant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger
that is within your gates. For during six days Hashem made heaven and earth, the
sea and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. It is for this that
Hashem blessed the Shabbos day and hallowed it.”[1]

Rashi explains: “‘And do all your work’—When Shabbos
arrives, it shall be in your eyes as though all of your work is done, so that
you do not remain preoccupied with labor.”[2]

Shabbos and the Torah of
the Future

Rebbe Nachman of Breslov taught that in the future, “on the
day that is entirely Shabbos,” the Torah of Atikah Sesima’ah will be
revealed.[3] As the verse says: "אָז תִּתְעַנַּג עַל הוי"ה"—“Then [in the
ultimate future] you will delight in [literally ‘upon’] Hashem-HaVaYaH.”[4] We
will delight upon HaVaYaH, which is the level of Atikah Sesima’ah.[5] This is
the main delight of Shabbos [and this verse is part of the extended kiddush of
the morning meal].

Reb Nosson of Breslov explains that the main element
of the sanctity of Shabbos derives from the Torah of Atikah Sesima’ah that will
be revealed and shine forth in the ultimate future. Although the Torah will
never be dispensed with, G-d forbid, and one should never think that the Torah
that we have now will ever be replaced, nevertheless the purpose of the arrival
of Moshiach is to reveal a “new Torah”—to help us fulfill the Torah completely.
Even now we can see that although Hashem commanded us to “be holy”—to sanctify
ourselves to an added degree within the limits of that which is permitted to
us[6]—nevertheless it is hard for us to find and follow a path that will lead us
to fulfill this commandment completely. Similarly, we find ourselves falling
short of fulfilling all of the Torah’s mitzvos perfectly, in all of their
detail, without ulterior motives. And even though Hashem planted tzaddikim in
every generation who provide us with guidance and instruction, still we feel far
from genuine avodah because the Soton exerts efforts to upend all the best
advice and intentions.

However, when Moshiach arrives he will be known
as Pele Yo’etz—“wondrous advisor”—[because his advice will achieve its purpose
fully].[7] Then we will see the fruition of the promise: “Behold, days are
coming, says Hashem, and I will make a new covenant with the house of Yisrael
and with the house of Yehudah. It is not according to the covenant that I made
with their fathers in the day that I took them by the hand to bring them out of
the land of Egypt, for they broke My covenant, although I was a master over
them, says Hashem.”[8] This means that true guidance will be revealed that
cannot be “broken” by the sitra achra so that the Jewish people will be able to
fulfill the Torah’s commandments completely, and then they will attain an
everlasting redemption. This level corresponds with the holiness of the Shabbos,
because Shabbos comprises the letters תשוב:"וְשַׁבְתָּ עַד ה' אֱלֹקֶיךָ"—“And
you will repent/return to Hashem, your G-d.”[9] As Rebbe Nachman expressed it,
through observing the Shabbos, one draws the light of Moshiach and of repentance
upon himself.[10]

[1] Shemos 20:7-10
[2] Mechiltah
[3] Likutei
Moharan I:49
[4] Yeshayah 58:14
[5] Zohar I:219
[6] Vayikra 19:2 and
Rashi there.
[7] Yeshayah 9:5
[8] Yirmiyah 31:30-31
[9] Devarim 30:2
[10] Sefer HaMiddos

CLICK HERE to Get Toras Chochom on Yisro.

CLICK HERE to get Toras Chochom on Yisro in English.

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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Shabbos Kavannah Spice Dispenser - Pictures

A few years ago, my wife created a spice shaker to help her have in mind thoughts of "l'kavod Shabbos Kodesh" while she was cooking for Shabbos. She keeps it on top of our oven. I probably should have shared this earlier, but here you go!



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Friday, December 11, 2009

We're Getting the Best Chaunkah Present, Ever, Tonight...

I'm very excited about the "good present" we're all getting tonight: Shabbos.

The Gemara in Beitza 16a calls Shabbos Hashem's matana tova, "good gift," for the Jewish people. "אמר לו הקב"ה למשה משה מתנה טובה יש לי בבית גנזי ושבת שמה ואני מבקש ליתנה לישראל לך והודיע אותם".

Make sure to enjoy your awesome Chanukah present tonight!

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Sunday, July 5, 2009

Audio of Eitan Katz Kumzitz in Baltimore - Shomrei Emunah

With thanks to Reb Yerachmiel for providing this recording, I wanted to share the following audio of the kumzitz held by Eitan Katz at the Shomrei Emunah Shul in Baltimore on Motzoi Shabbos May 23rd. I had posted that event here. It is a beauuuuutiful audio, especially part 3.

Click on one or all of the following three sections of audio to get the clips either by left clicking to listen right away or right clicking and selecting "Save Target As" to download.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

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Monday, June 15, 2009

You Are Where Your Thoughts Are -Friday Night Davening

Ramban, Igeres Hakodesh, Ch. 5 - "You are where your thoughts are."

On Friday afternoon, I was working on getting an assignment done at the firm where I am engaged in an intense associateship for the summer. It was just about time for me to catch my intended train home and the copy center had just returned some materials I needed in order to turn in my work. I realized that I needed a three-hole-puncher before I could include the last section necessary to make the project complete. So I quickly ran to find one when I found a kind hearted secretary who generously offered her extra hole puncher so that I could finish my assignment and run to the train.

But just at that moment, I felt someone punch me on the chest. Before I even had time to react, though, whoever it was did it again. After taking a moment to get oriented, I realized that I was in the middle of Shemoneh Esrei back in Shul on Friday night, and that I was hitting my own chest during the beracha of "Slach Lanu."

Unfortunately, my mistake was not only that my head was back at work when it should have been in davening. But even worse (?), it was ma'ariv on Shabbos night and I was saying the weekday davening.

Rav Itamar Shwartz, the author of Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh, in the 6th perek of Da Es Atzmecha, says that one understands why "one his where his thoughts are" with a correct perspective of who one really is. If I am in Shul, but I'm thinking about work, and I perceive that I am a body, with a neshoma inside, I would think that I (my body) is actually in Shul, but that it is only my thoughts that are at work. But the truth is that I am a neshoma that is "wearing" a body. So when I am in Shul, but thinking about work, it is only my clothing, my body, that is in Shul. But my mind is still at working when that's what I'm thinking about.

Of course it's the same thing al tzad hatov. When I'm at work but thinking about being in the beis medresh, then the true "I" is in Shul.

Friday night, I was able to use the "wake up call" to focus on the davening more than I probably would have, had I not committed my double thoughtless-ness. IY"H, we should all be zocheh that our thoughts should be where we belong.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Breslov Chassidus on the Holiness of the Shabbos Meals - Rebb. Golshevsky


Continuing Rebbetzin Yehudis Golshevsky's shiurim for women on Breslov Chassidus, the following shiur covers the holiness of the Shabbos meals, and is based on Likutei Moharan I:125, 139.

CLICK HERE to download.

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Monday, February 16, 2009

Learn How to Bring Shabbos into Your Soul

My friend, Rabbi Baruch Leff, has come out with a second edition of Shabbos in My Soul. Two years ago, he came out with the first edition.

My Rebbe was just speaking at Shalosh Sheudos about how to really prepare for Shabbos during the week (not only physically, but spiritually) so that we, on our level, can truly experience the holiness of Shabbos. He quoted one of the Rebbes from Spinka who gave the eitza that every day, we should think about the ma'amar Chazal in Shabbos 10b that Hashem said to Moshe, "א"ל הקב"ה למשה מתנה טובה יש לי בבית גנזי ושבת שמה ואני מבקש ליתנה לישראל לך והודיעם." "... I have a wonderful present in my treasure house. It is called 'Shaboos' and I seek to give it to the Jewish people. Go and tell them!"

He pointed out that, without a doubt, if we would think, each day, that Hashem gave us a wonderful present and that it is coming again this coming Shabbos, we would experience so much more of the light of Shabbos when Shabbos arrives. It is through thinking about and longing for Shabbos during the week that we can merit to experience Shabbos when it comes.

Reb Baruch has written these two great seforim, giving practical eitzos and information about how to experience the light of Shabbos. It's kedai to try!

Shabbos in My Soul

More Shabbos in My Soul

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Thursday, February 5, 2009

How Baking Challah Can Bring A Bring a Woman to High Levels

Yesterday, on my post Where do Women "Fit" Into Avodas Hashem Anyway?, Leah Shaindel commented that she was told by the Koidinover Rebbe that a woman can reach very high levels through making Challah, but that she didn't know the explanation. I passed her question on to Rabbi Micha Golshevsky, who I thought might know the answer. Here was his response to the question:

[E]verything depends on what we think. A woman who remembers that she is doing a mitzvah of Chesed when taking care of the house or kids, fulfills the mitzvah of v'ahavtah l'rayacha kamocha. She has many other ways to directly elevate her house.

For example she can focus on fulfiling the mitzvah of chinuch while she spends time with her kids. She should also remember that every instant she is fulfilling the many mitzvos of tznius, being careful how she speaks, etc etc.
(Spirit of the Law, 72:6)

A universal custom among the Jewish people involves baking challah in honor of Shabbos... Even if bread baked by a Jew is available, each household should bake so that the woman of the house can take challah from the dough, etc.

Rav Nosson explains one of the deeper reasons behind lighting candles and taking challah in honor of Shabbos, as well as why the performance of these mitzvos is the woman's perogative.

Rebbe Nachman explained the verse, "Hashem is close to all who call...to Him in truth," in a novel way. No matter where you have fallen, if you will just call to the Creator in truth on your own level, He will surely reveal Himself to you since He is close to any who call in truth. Even if all you can do is say, "please help me," this will also reveal the portals that lead out of spiritual darkness to the illuminationof true connection.

Shabbos candles represent the light of truth that cuts through the deepest darkness and illuminates the path back to holiness, since Shabbos represents the next world which is the ultimate truth. Speaking even one word in truth illuminates the most mundane situation and brings closeness to Hashem, much as Shabbos imbues the mundane with sanctity.

The truth was easily discernible before Adam and Chava ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. When they ate, "the light of the world was extinguished." This means that before they ate, they existed in a more enlightened state and could easily tell the difference between right and wrong. After they ate, evil went from being external and noticeable to internal and difficult to discern.

Their intention when eating was to intensify their challenges so that they could ultimately afford Hashem more pleasure when they toiled to choose good over evil. Their mistake was that they should have done what Hashem said regardless of what they understood to be more beneficial spiritually. Hashem had said not to eat from the fruit; they should not have eaten.

Challah is set aside for a kohein, a direct male descendant of Aharon who is referred to as the "man of truth" in the verse. The kohein is the paradigm of the tzaddik who has more connection to the truth than the average person. By giving him the challah, he demonstrates how we can connect even our bread to the ultimate Source, the absolute truth of all creation.

Forging a connection with a kohein galvanizes a person to redouble his efforts in his quest for truth and holiness.

Nowadays the challah is not given to a kohein, but it is burned. The very fact that we separate a small amount of dough and yearn to give it to a kohein and attain the lofty connection this brings connects us to the higher aspect of striving for truth. It has the required effect as though we had given the challah to a kohein.
Women as a whole were affected by Chava's sin to a great extent. (This is in accordance with the relevant verses as well as Midrashic, Talmudic, and Kabbalistic teachings on them. The subject is a very broad one that will be addressed later on in the series.) The rectification of this is that women work to restore the truth to the world by lighting Shabbos candles and increasing their levels of truth by giving challah. This explains a little of why we separate challah before Shabbos and why women have the especial perogative to fulfill the mitzvah.

May Hashem fill us with the truth and the light of Shabbos!

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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

"Vezakeini Legadail": The Shabbos Candles, the Chanukah Candles and the Strength of the Chashmonaim - Audio Shiur


Reb Yerachmiel has come through with this week's Baltimore Community Kollel Tefillah Chaburah.

Have you ever imagined, years before the miracle of the neiros Chanukah, what Matisyahu's wife/Yehudah Ha'Maccabee's mother davened for as she lit her neiros Shabbos?

Below is the latest shiur which covers such topics as shalom bayis, Shabbos kodesh, chinuch yeladim and Chanukah, and which revolves around the entrancing tefillah said by Jewish women as they light Shabbos candles each Friday night, and popularized by the renown singer Baruch Levine: "Vekaneini Legadail".
This unique presentation of song & shiur, still reverberating throughout Baltimore, is a must listen!

CLICK HERE to listen right away by left clicking or right clicking and selecting "Save Target As" to download.

-Dixie Yid

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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Freedom of Shabbos' Restrictions


I had a hargasha, a feeling, during Shalosh Sheudos which I wanted to share. No chiddushim. I just had a feeling of really understanding on a deeper level what the Mishna in Pirkei Avos 6:2 meant when it said "שאין לך בן חורין אלא מי שעוסק בתלמוד תורה," There is no greater free man than one who is engaged in learning Torah."

I was just thinking at Shalosh Sheudos how sad it is that Shabbos was about to end, and the battle would begin again. I realized that once all of the prohibitions of Shabbos are lifted, I would be "free" again to do all of the things needed for worldly life. And when you're "free" do those things, really you have to do them, since there's no excuse not to.

However, on Shabbos when we have no choice but to abstain from those worldly pursuits, the Yetzer Hara loses it's excuse to make us do things which take us away from Him. When I can do those weekday things, then I can't not do them. But on Shabbos, when I can't do them, it is such a liberating feeling to be free of it all. That's why the restrictions of Shabbos are such a breath of fresh air.

It almost feels like the teenager who doesn't really want to do drugs who feels liberated to have the excuse to tell his friends that his parents would just kill him if he did it. The restrictions of the parents aren't really restrictions at all. They allow him the liberty of giving the restrictions as the excuse for why he can't be a servant of his friends expectations of him.

The truth is that the higher level a person is on, the more Shabbos will infuse him with that freedom the rest of the week. The more a person internalizes the feeling of those restrictions that apply during the rest of the week, they become his excuse and his reason to be free of those desires, needs and distractions that pull him away from Hashem the rest of the week.

Oy Shabbos! What a mechaya! (breath of fresh air) Halevai (would that) we will all soon be in that state of Yom shekulo Shabbos, in the days which are totally Shabbos forever and ever!

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of blindmonkey)

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Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Baltimore Niggun - One of the Best for Lecha Dodi


Some people know this niggun as "The Baltimore Niggun." Others know it more specifically as "Rabbi Goldberger's Niggun." Either way, it's a beautiful niggun.
CLICK HERE to listen to or download this clip from this Niggun in mp3 format, which is often used for Lecha Dodi. (UPDATE 9/4/08 1:09 PM- Link fixed)

You can order one or more copies of the CD from Rabbi Goldberger's website HERE.

Thanks to Reb Nossi Gross of Zemer Orchestras of Baltimore for making this clip accessible to me. Yasher koach!

-Dixie Yid

(Picture courtesy of Rabbi Goldberger's Shul)

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Friday, July 11, 2008

Achieving a Harmonious Shabbos Table - Final Article - Part 7


ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS SHABBOS TABLE

PRACTICAL ADVICE FOR CONDUCTING A FAMILY SHABBOS MEAL

Part 7

by Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

Reprinted from the booklet with permission by the author.

GIVING ATTENTION - Making it Work


NO MAGIC SOLUTIONS

Even after trying their utmost to implement the advice presented in this pamphlet, some parents may still have great difficulty creating a peaceful Shabbos meal. Often, with large families, there is never a dull moment. One child may be constantly teasing his sibling, while another is making a mess with the food and another is singing zemiros at the top of his lungs. Adding to the excitement are the infants, who constantly kvetch to be diapered or fed. When their Shabbos meal more closely resembles a Purim party, parents may feel hopeless and may just struggle to survive the meal in one piece.

Although there are no magic or instant solutions for successful child-raising, the following advice can help parents to better cope with the situation, relieve some of their frustration and be optimistic in achieving success.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

The first steps for parents to take is to change their attitude toward their children and have realistic expectations. Often, parents think that only their family is disorderly, making them nervous and stricter with their children. This outlook, however, does not work because children often do not respond to nervous and angry parents. Although they may obey their angry or forceful parents, children will not become mechunach by this method. As Rav Wolbe writes, anger and force are not chinuch (Alei Shur, Vol. 1, p. 261).

A lively Shabbos table is very common among families with children. Kids are kids, and some take longer to settle down and mature than others.
In addition, parents should never compare families or children. Just as some families have an easier time earning a livelihood, some also have an easier time raising their children. And just as one’s livelihood is in the hands of Hashem, so too is the amount of tzar gidul bonim—pain of child-raising—that each parent will experience. This is part of every person’s challenge in life, and is determined by Hashem.

When someone asked Rav Avigdor Miller for advice about coping with the difficulties in raising a bunch of noisy children, he replied, “Children are like apartment houses. When one tenant is screaming at the landlord to fix a leaky faucet, and another to repair a burnt wire in one fusebox, the landlord has only one thing in mind—the rent that he will collect at the end of the month. Children are the same—they are your olam haba; you will reap the reward for raising them in olam haba. Focus on this, and their noise will sound like beautiful music.”

PATIENCE

Patience is one of the key midos to focus on for success. As Rav Wolbe writes, “Only with limitless patience can parents educate their children” (Alei Shur, Vol. 2, p. 219).

Lack of patience is a cause of many problems in family relationships. The Rambam writes that people are influenced by the society in which they live (Hilchos Deos, 6:1). The mindset of today’s hi-tech, fast-food society is just the opposite of patience. The microwave and ready-made foods offer meals in minutes; computers and cell phones enable people to communicate across the globe in seconds. People become frustrated if, for some reason, the connection takes a few seconds longer than usual.

Likewise, when parents experience difficulties in child-raising, they seek instant solutions. They may read a child-raising book or listen to some tapes, expecting that they will receive the exact necessary advice for their problem. Sometimes general advice works, but in many instances it may not. Problems in child-raising are not like a headache or infection that can be automatically cured with painkillers or antibiotics. Each situation has many variables that depend on the child’s individual make-up, the parents’ capabilities, the existing parent-child relationship and numerous other factors. Realistically speaking, there would have to be tens of thousands of books on child-raising in order to cover every possible family situation. Parents must know how and when to apply child-raising principles to their individual situation, and patiently wait until their children absorb these principles and put them into practice.

There is an anecdote about a couple who were in the midst of a quarrel, when the husband suddenly excused himself for a moment and took out a book on shalom bayis. He remembered that the chapter dealing with quarreling discussed a similar scenario to the one he was having and gave instructions regarding what to say and do to resolve the dispute peacefully. He quickly memorized the guidelines, returned to his wife and started to repeat and act according to the book. To his surprise, the advice didn’t work.

Rav Wolbe once remarked that the purpose of general guidance is mainly to teach us not to do the wrong thing. Finding the proper way to handle any given situation involves many variables and often requires on-the-spot decisions. Even when couples seek counseling, their patience will be limited by their expectations of receiving a solution in one or two sessions. They often fail to realize that deep-rooted problems, especially the ones that exist for lengthy periods, need time to solve.
Indeed, relief is available for parents. They can observe families with older children, where Shabbos meals are quite orderly, keeping in mind that their own children also will eventually outgrow their childhood stages. Remember, as Rav Pam said, like good wine, children will improve with age given time and a good education. Keeping this in mind can be a ray of hope.

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GRATITUDE

After all is said and done and there is still a balagan at the Shabbos table, parents should not forget one of the most important concepts in child-raising—Baruch Hashem, they have healthy children. A childless couple would do anything to have just one healthy child. Crying and kvetching would be music to their ears, and they would not be bothered by a disorderly house caused by their only child.
How much more grateful must parents be when Hashem rewards them with a bunch of happy, healthy children. Active children are a sign of a normal home, and parents must be extrememly grateful to Hashem for being blessed with a home full of vitality and vibrancy.

(Picture courtesy of Theodor Tolby at Chassidic Art)

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Friday, July 4, 2008

Achieving a Harmonious Shabbos Table - Part 6 - Guest Post


ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS SHABBOS TABLE

PRACTICAL ADVICE FOR CONDUCTING A FAMILY SHABBOS MEAL

Part 6

by Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

Reprinted from the booklet with permission by the author.


Shabbos Guests

Shabbos guests can enhance the meal in many ways. First, they give children opportunities to practice the mitzvah of hachnasas orchim. Parents should teach their children that when a guest arrives, they should greet him warmly, make him feel at home and serve him something to eat or drink. Similarly, during the Shabbos meal, the children should serve the guest after the parents.

Throughout the meal, guests can greatly contribute to the Shabbos atmosphere by joining the zemiros, giving an inspirational d’var Torah and perhaps even giving the children some added attention that they may be lacking.

Although having guests can bring benefits to the Shabbos meal, parents must also be cautious of dangerous pitfalls that can harmfully affect their children’s chinuch and emotional development.

In general, parents tend to focus their attention on their guests, consequently minimizing the attention that they would normally give to their children. Undeliberately neglecting the children can manifest when the child says his d’var Torah and the parents are hardly listening to him or hurrying him to finish. It could also happen during the family conversation, when the adults are busy talking among themselves about topics of little or no interest to the children. Boredom and neglect can occur when the guests are strangers.

At times, parents may receive a call from a yeshiva or Bais Yaakov seminary that is holding a Shabbaton in their area and are looking for families to host the students. Other times, a local outreach organization may ask families to host some potential baalei teshuva for a meal to be mekarev them or have a positive influence on their lives. Although it is a tremendous chesed to have baalei teshuva as Shabbos guests, and the “Shabbos experience” at your home may make a lifetime impact on them, nevertheless, it should not be done at the childrens’ expense. A young child once remarked, “I would like to be a baal teshuva, a Russian or even a convert, because every time they get invited to our Shabbos meals, they are the center of attention!”
I have even experienced Shabbos tables of professional mechanchim, where the children were “seen but not heard” due to the parents’ constant involvement with their guests. Eventually, the children left the table in the middle of the meal and didn’t even return for benching with a zimun. I have also been at a Shabbos table of about 15 guests, where the older children were completely lost in the crowd (I didn’t even know that the couple had older children until the end of the meal). It is difficult to really know a child’s feelings in these situations. A child may be very resentful that outsiders are stealing his parent’s time and attention from him, especially if they show impatience when he wants to talk or say a d’var Torah, and they seem to have all the time in the world for the guests. Harboring resentment toward parents can cause a child to be rebellious in his adolescent years.

The proper way to conduct a Shabbos table with guests is to first give the children proper attention and have the guests observe how you conduct the meal. Ideally, parents should inform guests of this practice beforehand so they do not feel offended. The zemiros and divrei Torah shold be conducted as usual, and each child should be given ample time to contribute what he or she learned in school that week. After giving children their full attention, parents can then focus on the guests, without being concerned that they may feel left out. On the contrary, guests usually enjoy observing a Shabbos meal where the entire family is present and harmonious. Their “Shabbos experience” is further enhanced when they see how children honor and serve their parents—behavior rarely found in the secular world.

I heard about an interesting practice of an outreach professional, who solved the “problem” of Shabbos guests by first eating his regular meal with his family and then conducting another meal for prospective baalei teshuva. A good example was Rav Moshe Feinstein, who never neglected his obligations to his own children. His youngest son, Rav Reuven, was always seated next to his father at mealtime. Even though the children were taught that the needs of others came before their own, he always sat next to his father no matter how many guests were at their table (Reb Moshe, Artscroll, p. 163).

Another word of caution to parents: Be careful to whom you expose your children. Some people may be the type to criticize or speak lashon hara, use vulgar language or discuss subjects that you would not like your children to hear. (This commonly occurs with people who are first becoming observant and are still attached to their old lifestyle.)

Sometimes parents may feel obligated to have Shabbos guests because of a desire to do chesed. However, Rav Chaim Friedlander writes, just as there is a halacha that states that giving tzedakah to one’s closest relatives takes priority over giving to others, the same is true with the mitzvah of chesed – one’s family takes priority over others (Guide to Chasanim, p. 62). Parents should not do chesed with others if it detracts from their obligations to their children.

Rav Avraham Pam once remarked that when the townspeople of Brisk complained to the Brisker Rav that he wasn’t giving enough time to communal affairs, he replied that his first priority is to be mechanech his children.

ATTENDING A LONG KIDDUSH

Children may also feel neglected by parents who attend long kiddushes on Shabbos morning, keeping them waiting for parents to return before they can eat the meal. This scenario makes children feel that others are more important than they are, especially if the home meal is rushed on account of a late kiddush. In the event that parents must attend a long kiddush or aufruff, it may be wise to take their children with them.

There are two important halachos for parents to be aware of regarding keeping their family waiting for the Shabbos meal:

1. Children below bar and bas mitzvah age are permitted to eat before kiddush, because it is prohibited to cause them distress (Mishna Brura, 269:1; cf Sefer Chanoch Lenaar, ch. 16, footnote #3, which writes that this halacha also applies to the Friday night kiddush).Therefore, if they get hungry before the father comes home from shul, they should be allowed to eat.

2. Chazal relate that when Rav Zeira saw people engaged in Torah study on Shabbos, he would tell them, “Please do not degrade Shabbos.” Rashi explains that because of their Torah study, these people would neglect to enjoy Shabbos, which is considered chilul Shabbos (Mesechta Shabbos, 119a-b; Rashi s.v. “Mehader”). Similarly, this halacha applies to parents who delay their return from shul and keep their family waiting. Causing one’s family discomfort in waiting for the Shabbos meal is a form of chilul Shabbos.

(Picture courtesy of Shaarei Tzedek Windsor)

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